Kind of a really personal thing, but I could really use some advice

[Amy Carey]

This is not normally something i would post on an open board, but i know and love you girls like family just about an I'm sitting here all by myself and confused and hurt and I just need a sounding board. So guess what? You're it.

What would YOU do if a woman finds your husband through facebook. She had dated him some when he was in the military, not a steady relationship or anything. she finds him and tells him to call her because she has news for him, and the news is that he has a 12 year old daughter? What would YOUR reaction be? I ask because I have had several people tell me I should "look at it from the other side" , "be more compassionate" , "he didn't know, don't hold it against him"...yadda yadda...which is all true and well and good and maybe I can do that, but I've only had this information for oh...and hour and a half. So am I not entitled some time to process this and the impact on my life and my kids' lives? What would you do? how would you feel?

[lauren grier]

I would vomit. If I'm being honest that would be my reaction. You are COMPLETELY entitled to go through all and any emotions you need to till you figure it out in your head.

[Traci Reed]

Wow. Hugs Amy I would be upset, but perhaps not directed at my hubby. You have every right to feel and process however you want!

[Traci Reed]

Oh and then I'd order a DNA test.

[amystoffel]

In this order I would feel:

sick to my stomach
pissed off
homicidal
sick to my stomach
pissed off
sad

That's huge information to take in...and especially on facebook? Like she couldnt find another way to find him?

Don't be mad at DH. And yes....get a DNA test.

[AnnieBananie]

Originally Posted by Traci Reed

Oh and then I'd order a DNA test.

This ^^^ Absolutely. *nod*

I really don't know how I'd react personally but I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're feeling. Let it sink in... and until then, just ride all of these emotions out... where ever they may be directed.

[Voodoo_Bryn]

yeah, I'm with Reed, I'd order a dna test, because she might suddenly want child support. I'd vomit. I'd cry for at least a week straight...

and then... ultimately... I couldn't blame the 12 year old. I'm sure she's curious about her father, and I feel bad about that, because I was always that girl. I think... and this would tear me up inside...
if she's really his... he might want to actually reach out to her and make sure he has some sort of relationship with her. And there's not much you can do at that point since it was before you, you'll just have to ride out the bumps for awhile, unfortunately.

[Robin Carlton]

I'm with La, I'd vomit too, and then once I processed things (and got Traci's DNA test results) - I'd be as supportive and understanding as I could be. It really isnt his fault or the daughter's fault that this surprise is sitting in your lap, and we all had a life before we got married, so I'm in the camp of not holding things against people we love for things they did in a "past life" so to speak.

You know he loves you, and this has got to be incredibly shocking and stressful for him as well, so be the woman he fell in love with, and work together to find a solution that works for you as a family.

{{{HUGS}}} Amy!

R

[alansrock]

I'd likely not tell anyone until I knew it was DH's kid for sure. I am the suffer in silence type.

Can I just UGH for you, what a mess. And you feel whatever you need to feel honey.

[jessica31876]

I dont know...I would likely not be angry. It would be something that would be hard to deal with but the first thing id do/say is that I would want a DNA test to be positive.

[LibbysMommy]

I completely agree with what everyone has said so far. Biggest (((hugs))) to you Amy!!

[Amy Carey]

Oh I definitely don't hold it against him. I'm not mad at him but he didn't understand why I cried. And honestly, the first words out of my mouth were "but *I* am the mama of your babies". Gut reaction? yes. He says that I am everyone's mama (neighborhood kids, etc) and he sees me with all these other kids , treating them like my own and he says he would have thought I would be like this with this girl. And I probably will. I just really wanted just some time to allow myself to decide what to do, how to act how to feel without being expected to be HAPPY about this. I probably will love her to pieces. but it's a lot to absorb and yes, the thought of vomiting hasn't gone away. I will do the DNA test but really I think it's a moot point cause I've seen pictures and there is a very obvious family resemblance. But she SAYS she doesn't want any money, just that Brianna had been asking questions and had never had a good relationship with her step-dad and just wanted to know who her "real" dad was. I can understand that and while i was never that child, I can empathize. And yes, Chad did welcome MY son with open arms. Josh was 4 when I met chad and had never had a relationship with his biological father either. Josh asked chad before we even got married if he could call him Daddy and it's always been that way. Josh has seen his bio-dad maybe once in 10 years (a TRUE jerk!). But at least Chad KNEW about Josh when he met me and when we decided to get married, he knew what he was getting. I've been told I should be happy and excited and I can't help it, I'm just not there, yaknow? My daughter always yaks about being the "only princess" and "daddy's only girl" and now that's not true anymore and I just don't know how to tell her...it's stuff like that that makes me want to vomit. I dont hold anything against this little girl or even my husband...and you guys are so wise and so right. I love what Robin said about being the woman he fell in love with .....so that's what I'll do but it sure ain't easy.....

[nikkiARNGwife]

Oh wow...what a lot for you to process...so yes, you are entitled to all the time you need to deal with that kind of news.

[Leila]

I can't put myself in your shoes, Amy. I can say what I think I'd do though. First, I'd only get upset if this had happened while I was with him. If it predates our relationship--I have no place to be pissed at him. These things do happen. Second, if he believes she's telling the truth, suggest he ask for a DNA test.

[newfiemountiewife]

I ditto La on the vomiting, and Traci on the DNA.

I know it was "before" but I'd have a real hard time processing it, if I'm being honest.

[meganmecrazy]

My thoughts are like Amy's but also add the puking and heart racing feeling:

In this order I would feel:

sick to my stomach
pissed off
homicidal
sick to my stomach
pissed off
sad

That's huge information to take in...and especially on facebook? Like she couldnt find another way to find him?

Don't be mad at DH. And yes....get a DNA test.

[LeeAndra]

Speaking from a stepmother's perspective...

No matter what she says NOW, you MUST get a DNA test. Even if there is a resemblance, even if the dates work out, even if God tells you Himself... you must have a test. Period. She may have the same good intentions she says that she does and everything will work out just as she says, and that will be great. On the other hand, she may have bad intentions cloaked in false pretenses, and the last thing you want to do is be taken advantage of and/or fall in love with this gurl and make her part of your family only to find out a year or two or three from now that she is NOT your husband's child. I'm not saying that to scare you, but as someone who has been through two different EXTENSIVE and EXPENSIVE child support and custody trials.

If the DNA test proves she is your husband's child, you should go to court and get some kind of support and visitation set up. At the least, hire an attorney to draft some kind of legal written agreement that both biological parents sign. I cannot stress enough how helpful this will be to you down the road if the relationship between your husband and his child's mother suffers. A verbal agreement will not hold up in court and, ultimately, leave you at her mercy as to when she allows her daughter to be part of your life.

Last, it is perfectly okay for you to feel however you feel and however you will feel if things play out. Welcome to being a stepmother: dealing with your significant other's past decisions and circumstances in your current life. I can understand your DH's point if he is, technically, a stepfather to your oldest son -- a sort of 'I did this for your child, so why would it be so difficult for you to do it for mine?' kind of thing. Then again, it is perfectly okay for you to never love this gurl the same way you love your biological children. Being a stepmother is not abt loving all your children the same amount, but treating them the same way. It will certainly take you time to adjust to this news and how it will change your life; taking it one day at a time and letting whichever feelings develop happen on their own timetable is usually the best approach.

Good luck. I certainly have empathy for you and your situation. What a hard road to walk.

[Amber1279]

Oh My Amy!!! I can't imagine, I really can't. ((HUGS))

I echo everyone's advice, especially LeeAndra's.

[kscwgirl]

I'd throw up and then I'd get a DNA test. (((((Hugs)))) Amy. I've sort of been there. Jeff and I were engaged but not married yet when I found out he had a 2nd child. We didn't have kids yet though, so I can only imagine.

[~Julie~]

I dont know what I would do but wanted to give you {{{{big giant hugs Amy}}}}

[ColleenSwerb]

Amy, as a woman without any children of her own, I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now.

But, anything you feel is OK! No one should be saying to you that you should feel this way, or react that way. That's not right. You are you, and this is a huge bombshell to be dropped on your shoulders, and you have every right to feel anything you do, and in whatever timeline those feelings come.

Big big hugs Amy!!

[Julie Billingsley]

Amy, sweetie, big hugs. Everyone gave good advice. I'm just echoing everyone with saying have a DNA test. Just knowing *for sure* is good. I have to say that if it was me that I'd get scared about the demands this would place on your family. Ultimately though this is probably a sweet girl that would love to have you and your family as part of her life. I'll be praying for you all ((hugs))

[cheltzey]

Oh, Amy. I'm so sorry. You have every right to be devastated. I can't even imagine the heartache you must feel.

I do wholeheartedly agree with LeeAndra. Do everything you can to protect yourself and your family. That's your responsibility, and hopefully your husband can see that.

[cindyg]

Oh Amy - I am so sorry you are even having to deal with this!!! I just want to say that I'm hoping you'll find the best way to work through this. God bless you!

[AmyM]

DNA test first.
It's perfectly understandable to be upset and feel whatever emotions you are feeling, because this is a life changing thing. You don't know what's going to happen next or how it will effect your family. But once you get past the emotions.....this could turn out for good. Somehow someway. I don't have any advice because I'd be asking for it myself. Just have hugs and prayers for you Amy (((HUGS))))

[switchwiz]

I totally agree with everyone else too----DNA test first-----someone had tried to pull that on an old boyfriend of mine. I was upset, scared, sad, sick and worried for how our lives could change and we weren't even married so I can understand a bit of what you're going thru. For use the DNA test proved he was not the father, so life went to back to some semblence of normal.


You have the right to feel whatever you must feel to handle this.
You just hang in there, and you'll get through this. {{{HUGS}}}

[Amy Carey]

quick question though...is it possible to get a DNA test done long-distance? I mean do you think he would have to go there to get it done?

[Jenn Barrette]

I believe there are kits you can purchase, sent it out them, they send back with her DNA sample, and then to the lab.

(*hugs*)

[beaucat]

Yikes, you have every right to be upset.

Given that this happened before he met you and given that he must also be in shock, try to be understanding for your DH.

Good luck!

[heatherdumas]

Amy, I am so sorry. I would feel sick. I would be cautious. I would ask for paternity test. And I would NEVER trust that woman. Facebook is like a pathway to hell.
I love you.

[scrapperjade]

HUGS Amy! I can't imagine how I would react to that! BUT if it was ME, I think that a lot of my reaction would depend on whether this happened before DH and I were together, which I'm assuming is the case.

I would of course feel upset, hurt, scared... everything you are feeling, but I wouldn't be able to hold it against him, because its not like he was hiding it, kwim. If he genuinely didn't know about, its probably just as much (or more) of a shock to him as it is to you!

What I'm wondering is why now? Why contact him NOW that the boy is 12? What pushed her to do it? Is she all of a sudden wanting money? Does she want him to get to know his dad? Did she all of a sudden want DH back? So many questions. At this point I would be more upset with HER than with DH.

[kim21673]

OMG! You poor thing.

I would be devastated if this happened. I would be in shock, would cry, would probably leave for a few hours to sort through everything, would cry some more, would be angry and hurt and then lastly I would definitely demand a DNA test before you told your kiddos! The most important thing is to talk with DH and get some answers too...from what you said he had no idea...I am sure he is in shock too!

I would definitely get answers...why after all these years is she NOW contacting him???? What does she want?

Hugs to you!
Kim

[xboxmom]

I know I am knew here but I wanted to say that I agree with Jaedyn. If this was before you were together I would be less upset than if it happened while I was married. You however still have every right in the world to be in shock and horror! As I am sure your husband is too. I think I would sit down with him and talk about what to do next. Which I agree with everyone else on that a DNA test is in order. No matter what though don't think any of your feelings are wrong you have the rights to those feelings! Good Luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

~Kim
xboxmom

[Megan Turnidge]

Oh my word! ((HUGS)) I'm sure I'd be pissed off and really hurt. Definitely want a DNA test. I don't understand why women wait so long to tell their baby's daddy? It doesn't make sense to me.

[Stacey42]

{{{hugs}}} what a shock to have thrown at you both! It will take time to process & everything you are feeling is valid & perfectly understandable. My first suggestion would be take some time to think about it before talking to your DH about how you feel. He's still dealing too & unfortunate things could be said that are reaction, not necessarily how you really feel & that just adds more stress. Take a day or so and think on it before doing anything. I agree with the DNA test ultimately & with seeing a lawyer. If the child is 12 you have 6 years of dealing with her mom ahead of you. Possibly it will all be ok, but why risk it.

Personally I'd be shocked and confused if it were me, angry at the mom for keeping something like that from my DH for so long, sad for DH that he missed out on seeing his child as a baby, worried about how this new development would affect our family, wondering how it would all play out over time... it'd probably be a few days before I had anything coherent to say on the subject.

[Mandy]

Well hon, being that I know you pretty well, I'd say that people do all kinds of things and keep all kinds of secrets...kwim? I'd be beside myself first of all, then probably would cry for my children because I'd never be sure how they'd feel about this and how they'd process the information. After that I'd probably be so worried about what her motives are...especially if they involve child support or back child suppport (though I don't know what the laws concerning this are).

But here's the kicker. Why on Earth would she contact him through Facebook to tell him this. This is something I would have thought she'd try to do years ago (contact him, I mean).

[crystalbella77]

Oh you poor thing!! I don't have anything new to add other than to give you my support. You are perfectly right to feel however you need to to process this info. Big hugs girl!

[Priscilla]

oooh god. I have no idea

I second the dna.

[DawnMarch]

I would be shocked and upset too. I know you don't hold it against your DH or the girl, but that's no reason you shouldn't feel traumatized by having your world turned upside down. If I were you, I'd tell your DH that you aren't mad at him, and that he has your support, but that you need a bit of time just to get over the shock of it and comes to grips with the news.

[lovely1m]

I would be amazingly freaked out, a little pissed off, a little sick to my stomach, a little upset and a whole lot more freaked out. That is huge and you have every right to whatever emotions you feel. And, yes, get a DNA test.

[Sharon Kay]

DNA! Absolutely the DNA test. No compromising there...if dh says he is certain...still say for the sake of your family...a DNA test IS in order. You can have people resemble a family member and in no way be related...I ran across my dh's UNCLE that we see at LEAST twice a year...only to find out that the man was NOT the uncle...but could have passed for a twin brother...and he said he has actually been called that man's name more than once (apparently he fooled other family members too)....strange thing is...there are TWINS...and this man would make a 3rd/triplet!...if he were related.

{{hugs}} and what a shocker! ...but demand that DNA test before anything else happens...that way you know one way or another for sure.

[iJenny]

Oh, Amy. There are no words, honey. I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

[4noisyboys]

A little different story...but I'm the girl...or one like her. I was 30 when I found out who my birth father was, and then he told all his family. His wife had to find out that while he was trying to date her, he was sleeping with my bio mom.

There was a lot of different emotions from everyone.

I haven't read all the posts, so I'm not sure if you've updated or not, but there is a chance that there has been another man who has stepped up in the role as "Dad", and she doesn't need another father, kwim? If she is his bio child, your kids have another sister...and that can be pretty cool! I'm just saying this because I understand the other side of it.

{{{HUGS}}}

[alien21xx]

Big hugs to you, Amy. At such a time in your life, I think you really need it and I'm glad the community is here to support you as well.

Just wanted to chime in as well that I can understand because I've been in both your position as well as the position of the daughter. It was very painful for me to accept the occasional feeling of being relegated to second priority for both my dad, who now has another family, and my boyfriend, who also has children from a previous partner. Sometimes, I even feel that the attention is just not there because I also do not have children with my boyfriend and we're not married so there's really nothing that ties us together in that way.

I hope that it will still turn out to end well, though. We always have to hope for the best for our situations, but definitely it's a big shocker to swallow.

[suze]

Originally Posted by BrodoNY0123

Amy, as a woman without any children of her own, I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now.

But, anything you feel is OK! No one should be saying to you that you should feel this way, or react that way. That's not right. You are you, and this is a huge bombshell to be dropped on your shoulders, and you have every right to feel anything you do, and in whatever timeline those feelings come.

Big big hugs Amy!!

more hugs from me. I myself don't have children either. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes... and I just can't imagine what you are going through. Its hard but in time you'll know what to do. You're a mom, and I respect each and every mom out there. Its a huge change but in no way the childs or fathers fault.

Feel free to go through all the emotions out there. You'll finally settle down, but now... feel what you need to feel.

*I just want to say to the community here, I'm so happy that we have you guys to just simply talk too. Sometimes it helps more than you know.*

[lizzyfizzy]

yes, amy...i'm pretty sure you can do a dna test long distance.

and ditto to everything stated here. i am sick to my stomach and this is not even remotely related to me. i CANNOT imagine how you must be feeling. you have to do the dna test and everything LA suggested. it would just be silly to get involved in this before you have the key specific things ironed out. anywho...you know this. GIANT HUGS and love and prayers going out for you...honestly...i cannot imagine.

[rach3975]

((Hugs)). What a huge shock. I can't believe that you have people telling you that you should be happy about this when you've only known a few hours. Telling you that it'll all work out in the end and may be a good thing--sure. But expecting you to be happy right now? Heck, no.

Even though your DH has another child, you're still the only one who really parents with him, who was there through all the shared moments with your little ones that he'll never get back with this daughter.

If it were me, I'd be shocked and feel sick, and I would want all the answers and resolution immediately, even though I'd know that can't happen. I don't think I'd be mad at DH, but I guess I can't say for sure. I definitely wouldn't be mad at the daughter--I'd feel sorry that she missed out on so many years that she could have had with a great dad and her half siblings. All that anger would be directed toward the mother, for not telling my DH way back when. But after some time to process (and you take as much time as it takes you), I think I'd want to meet her, have my kids know their older sister, and build as good a relationship as possible. I think it would be a long time until I was entirely over the shocked and sick feeling, probably not until we'd begun to build a relationship with her and I saw that everything really was going to be okay.

[bellbird425]

i'd feel disgusted first off and cry buckets - havent read all the posts but u have the right to feel how u instinctively feel and although that may change and go from one emotional extreme to the next, noone should be encouraging u to fast forward that process ((hugs))

[LeeAndra]

Check this out, Amy:
http://www.dnacenter.com/

It says that while both the gurl and your DH will have to go into a facility to be tested, they do not have to go into the same facility or at the same time. This company has testing facilities all over the U.S. and you can make an appointment at whichever facility is most convenient for you.

It looks like the test will run you abt $500, but you can go on a payment plan once you pay a $99 deposit. They won't release the results to you until you pay it off, but it's something.

[sczos911]

oh Amy. Anything you may feel right now is perfectly normal. I would say, yes, it should take some time for you to "recover" from all this. As easy as it is to say to not be mad at DH, I for one would be, but that is me and my emotions and how I deal.

I second the DNA testing. It's a must especially if she is going to seek child support AND back pay for child support (if that is possible, IDK)

Another thing I would suggest for you is talking to someone. Therapy would probably help & you could go alone and/or bring DH in at some point. I went through therapy & it helped me out a lot. It's nice to talk to someone not involved.

Big hugs, Amy.