Need to whine...personal

[Laura_A]

This is a little on the personal side, but I honestly don't really have anyone I can bounce this off of, so y'all get to listen to me complain.

Hubby and I went through a REALLY rough patch in 2009 when he was deployed in Iraq. He was not handling what he was seeing very well and I was home, on my own beginning to resent being, in essence, a single parent in a foreign country with no family or close friends near for support. And because of what he was going through over there, he wasn't a support either. Quite the opposite, actually. It seemed like he was pushing me away. It was so awful! Anyway, I became very depressed, resentful and angry. By the time his year deployment was over, I was convinced that I couldn't live the military life anymore, that love was not enough to keep us together and that I wanted to leave Germany and go home without him. Thankfully, it's not that easy and we were "forced" to stay together until we could work out the logistics of a separation, but while we were working on that, we sought counseling and he refused to believe that things couldn't get better. I will forever be thankful that he didn't give up because he was right. Things are SO much better now...actually, better than they've ever been and we are ridiculously happy.

Here's my "problem". I have days when I get frustrated with every day life in general...days when I feel like a maid/taxi/cook...unappreciated...you get the idea. Some days I just struggle, I'm grumpy...doesn't everyone have days like that? Anyway, I can't really show it when I'm feeling that way because my poor hubby automatically jumps to conclusions and decides I'm back in the same mind frame as I was in 2009/2010 and starts to get worried. For him, there's no middle ground...I'm either good, or I'm a mess. It's frustrating for me because I need to be able to have a bad day now and then, and I need for him to be ok with that and not worry. Our whole marriage, I've worried about him and his feelings, which I think is important, but if I continue to stifle mine, I'm afraid I'll start to get resentful and I DON'T want that.

Deep breath...so, that's me. Thanks for letting me vent and if you might have any advice, I'd love to hear it.

[Lyd]

I feel ya. There have been times when I've just had to tell hubby, "I'm entitled to a bad day every now and then. It doesn't mean the world is falling apart. It doesn't mean anything is seriously wrong with our lives . . . just a bad day. Now, calm down and let me have my mood." Men think a lot more in black and white than women do. (((Hugs)))

[emmasmommy]

i'm with lyd. we ALL have bad days. (((hugs)))

[mrshobbes]

Is it a guy thing, then? Because when that happens to me the hubs assumes it's something he *needs* to fix. We've never hit a rough patch like you have, but I really understand the need to have your grumps without feeling like you need to "defend" it, kwim? So I end up having the grumps with my sister or brother (whoever is handy, lol). Or an online friend or two. Or I leave the house and take a walk.

In other words, yes, you are entitled to the grumps.

[NeverendingJen]

we've hit some really rough patches post deployment too. It's taken a lot of yelling at DH and eating a lot of chocolate, but Ive managed to convince him that having bad days=okay as long as its not having bad days plus other crap. I hope you can get him to understand the difference. *hugs*

[Beebo]

I have bad days too. Sometimes I feel like screaming about how I feel. But DH thinks it is all about him. If he comes homes from work on his lunch break and I'm being grumpy he wants to know what has he done now. It's not you sweetheart, I'm just having a bad day. Then he wants to know why. I have no idea why I'm so grumpy.

[LJSDesigns]

Not to play in to the sterotype, but when you are grumpy, can't you just tell him it's PMS and have your grumps? Men assign most moodiness to it anyway, so I say use it to your advantage and be as grumpy as you want. And seriously, I am not trying to belittle how you feel, I just tend to look for an easy solution and PMS got me out of a lot of gym classes back in high school, so...

[YepBrook]

I have bad days... If fact, just recently I had a string of them and it caused some problems with DH. I think part of the problem is that, as a woman, I am more likely to talk about it... vocalize my problems. This makes DH feel uncomfortable. Men don't seem to want to share as much or they dont need to. I wanted to talk talk talk about it, feel comforted by him, and it was just too much. He was tapped out. I'd even say he got confused by it funny enough. It pissed me off big time because I needed to get it out, he just has his limits, especially when it includes long stories about my frustrations. I think sharing problems is ok and healthy in a relationship, but I realized I have to be careful to not use him as a dumping ground... any more than I would dump on a friend. I need to learn when to stop.

DH and I have had small bumps in our marriage, nothing major. I don't think he personalizes it when I'm moody. But I can see how your DH might since you almost ended your marriage. 3-4 years ago is still pretty fresh, he might still have some insecurities about it. I think it's ok for you to let him see that you're having a bad day, and share it, and then let him see it has nothing to do with your marriage. But, if you're needing to talk it out more without upsetting him too much... Well, that's what friends are for!

[misfitinmn]

I think the other ladies have had really great things to say - I have to say, I think Lydia's statement is the perfect thing to say to a man. I, too, tend to want to talk about my feelings and it helps me feel like it's not getting all bottled inside me and the pressure builds until we have a knock-down drag-out fight (which happens once in awhile!), where my hubby is one who just likes to be left alone when he's stressed out/angry/had a bad day. I think just a flat out - hey, this isn't me saying our marriage is in trouble, I just need to get these things off my chest - is in plain enough language for him to "get it". I definitely would not put your feelings on the back burner because that WILL send you back to that place in your marriage, you know? :/

[jacinda]

If you think it's hard to verbally tell him, maybe you should write a nice long letter explaining how you feel. Then see if he'll come to an agreement with you that you get a day off a week where you don't have to cook, take care of the kids etc. If it's a day he's home, then you get to take off and have time to yourself. Or whatever you feel you'd like to do on that day. Help him see that time off for you means you'll be happier and more balanced for the family.

[MandaT]

Originally Posted by Laura_A

..... Our whole marriage, I've worried about him and his feelings, which I think is important, but if I continue to stifle mine, I'm afraid I'll start to get resentful and I DON'T want that.

I'm not sure I have any advise, as I'm currently in a situation that's well but I can say that I know what you're saying here, completely understand. It's sometimes easier to put ourselves last and worry about the other person. Knowing and accepting that our feelings are important and valid and deserve just as much attention is tough.

Right now I am very thankful for a few good friends that I can lean on, sound off of without fear of judgement and get advice from.

I hope that you are able to find a solution soon.

[nun69]

I have to say that I actually seperated from my DH twice over the past 20 years and we still have our rough spots, and honeslty I feel like this MOST days since I feel like other than working a full time job (and retired from the military) that nobody in my house apperciates me so I am just always in a bad mood, for the most part

[FireWolf]

Your feelings are completely understandable. I think we all go through this as wives/moms. I do have a couple of suggestions. First, write down what you want to tell him about those days and then when you are NOT having one of those days sit down with him and talk to him about it. Just let him know that you get tired, stressed and a bit grumpy now and again and that it is ok, it doesn't mean your unhappy and want out of the marriage. If you try to tell him these things in the midst of a bad day then it will only escalate the problem for him and he won't get it. If you really feel you can't talk to him about then do like Jacinda says and write him a letter explaining things.

[lorigaud]

I do like the letter idea a lot. It definitely allows you to say what you're feeling without getting caught up in the moment and forgetting half of what you wanted to tell him. (That kind of thing always happens to me). I'm not much on advice other than that... I'm in the process of writing a letter to my husband to explain that I want a divorce.

[dailydwellin]

I'm so sorry. DH and I have had our struggles, especially when coming off of deployment. I felt as you did when he was deployed when we were in Germany. It was incredibly hard. I think the best thing you can do is explain things to him as you just did to us....that a bad day is just a bad day and sometimes you're just doing to have them. A bad day does not mean that you're unhappy in your marriage or want out. He sounds as if he really loves you and is probably fearful of losing you as he almost did before. The letter suggestion is good, especially if it's hard to explain in words or if you feel as if you're had this conversation with him before.

[maryinaz]

My DH has never been a "talker" so I don't even go there with him. I know that about him and I can't change that about him. When I have a bad day, I call my sister. She makes it all better. He has no idea what she has saved him from!

Personally, I think letters are scary and permanent and should only be used in dire situations. I like Lydia's suggestion better, when it's just a bad day thing.

[YepBrook]

Originally Posted by maryinaz

My DH has never been a "talker" so I don't even go there with him. I know that about him and I can't change that about him. When I have a bad day, I call my sister. She makes it all better. He has no idea what she has saved him from!

Personally, I think letters are scary and permanent and should only be used in dire situations. I like Lydia's suggestion better, when it's just a bad day thing.

I agree... a letter would actually freak my DH out... make him think it's really something BIG. They're also very one-sided and it might not make you feel better at all since he will probably not respond to you with a letter. Know what I mean?

[Beebo]

I have actually done the letter thing! It doesn't work! It made my DH even more insecure at the time. And it took me days to convince him my having bad days at the time wasn't his fault!

[Lyd]

I only write letters if I know I'm NOT going to give it to him. It's just a good way to get my feelings out. Then, I either hide it or throw it away. And, I actually haven't needed to write any of those letters for a long time. But, I do have to tell DH to chill out . . . things are fine . . . on a fairly consistent basis. And, we've never had serious problems with our marriage . . . he's just a big ball of anxiety, and little things freak him out.

[Sherri Tierney]

I've written letters to my husband in the past to get my feelings out. Sometimes I give them to him, sometimes I don't. He's always been okay with them though. He doesn't spook easily (better not, he married ME after all!) so for me it's just a way to let him know exactly what I am thinking without everything else getting in the way. I make sure I'm not all emotional in them, but rational.

What works for us is that I just tell Sean that I'm 'having a day' and he better let me have it. Long ago Terri Clark put out the song 'I Just Wanna Be Mad' and we both got a good chuckle out of it. We both agreed that there were just some days that we deserve to have a bad day and it doesn't mean anything, so just let it go. We don't have the kind of history that you do though. We had our rough patch so many years ago that it's long been forgotten.

[Stacey42]

The letter thing works for us, but we are not good talkers. If we talk in the moment we shout & if we wait until we've cooled off we don't want to bring it up. We both work better with the written word because it gives you time to fully consider a response & you can express yourself calmly without fear of interruption. We're not so good at not interrupting in an argument. Which is why the counselor recommended writing notes. It all comes down to how you best communicate together. For us talking is a bad idea until we've messaged back & forth our main statements & responses.

Nowadays we mostly use the white board in the kitchen to say "having a cranky day, feeling a bit unappreciated" or "work has been a pain, not feeling civil this evening" so everyone knows what is going on. Even the boys do it now. My oldest wrote "Mad about teacher blaming me for what S did. Not talking for a bit" 2 weeks ago.

[Lauramarie]

I am in no way an expert but I wanted to share a book I am reading, "The Happiness Project" and it covers relationships and the differences of men and women and communication, etc. You are not alone in feeling unappreciated and probably will never really get "gold stars" so to speak from the men in our lives because they just do not function that way. It sort of explains that the things you do should be done for you to make you happy and not for acknowledgment from others, esp SO. Again, its not that you have to do this but it made me feel a bit better knowing I am not the only one who struggles with this and everyone is right, we all have moody days, we are only human after all.

[Laura_A]

Thanks for your responses everyone. It helps to be able to hear opinions and other peoples' experiences. I should clarify something...it's very seldom that I feel unappreciated by my hubby. He's amazing at making sure I know how much he appreciates all I do. Usually I just feel that way with my kids...but I guess we can't expect kids to have that type of mature ability yet.

I talked to him last night (cuz I was pretty grumpy) and expressed that I wished he wouldn't panic and jump to conclusions when I'm having a crabby day. I told him that I can be crabby without being unhappy and that just because I'm frustrated or even a little depressed for no apparent reason, it doesn't mean I'm dissatisfied with our relationship or my life. I asked him to think about when he's irritated or worried about something from work and he brings it home and sometimes snaps at us. I asked if, at those moments, he was feeling unhappy with me. He said "of course not"...I told him it's the same for me. That there are times when I'm grumpy and it has nothing to do with him. And even the times when it might be him, are just moments...they're not my general feelings all the time. I think he got it and understands. I agreed to let him know when I'm feeling crabby/sad/frustrated etc and he agreed to work on believing me when I tell him it's not him or us. I'm hoping he'll remember our conversation the next time.

[NeverendingJen]

I'm glad you guys talked <3

[Sherri Tierney]

So glad you guys were able to talk about it. It sucks to have to hold in those feelings! And, yep, kids just don't seem to appreciate us sometimes, do they?

[lorigaud]

So glad you had the chance to talk to him, Laura. Glad things are going well for you. I hear you about being under-appreciated by kids... I know I never really appreciated my mom until I went away to college and had to do everything for myself!

Stacey, I like the white board idea.... that has me thinking. It's great that even your kids have gotten into using it.

I think that the letter thing is what will work best for us because we don't tend to communicate well when we're emotional - angry, upset or whatever. I feel like I would forget half of what I want to say unless I write it down. My husband is a bit unpredictable with his temper too.... so I also feel like I don't really want to be around when he reads my letter telling him that I want a divorce. I'm a bit scared about facing it, actually. Probably why I've been dragging my feet..... *sigh*

[alinalove]

great that you talked.
i think one of the biggest differences between men and women is, that women want to TALK about their mood and men want to FIX the mood of their girl.
even my hubby who is very talkative and understanding sometimes doesn't get it when i am down.
but on the other hand i might admit that i am not totally happy when he is not. so why should he be happy when i am not?

[Lyd]

Originally Posted by woofpurrpurr

great that you talked.
i think one of the biggest differences between men and women is, that women want to TALK about their mood and men want to FIX the mood of their girl.
even my hubby who is very talkative and understanding sometimes doesn't get it when i am down.

I swear, we are the opposite of this "norm." Hubby wants understanding, and I want to fix. It causes problems for us from time to time, for sure. Lol.

[alinalove]

Originally Posted by ltarbox

I swear, we are the opposite of this "norm." Hubby wants understanding, and I want to fix. It causes problems for us from time to time, for sure. Lol.

lol yes, it can be the other way round for us as well. only that i can whine longer than he :-D

[lilusmom]

Whoever called it wedded bliss? I have been married to my dh for 26 years and there have been up times and down times. What I find works when I am cranky, I just apologize as soon as he gets home. I tell him I am in a really bad mood and that I am sorry but that's just the way it is!

[Laura_A]

So, I have to share this. I was a HUGE crab today. SOOOO tired and we traveled all day (we're spending the weekend at a ski resort). He was so sweet, totally let me be a raging bitc* then very gently, kinda jokingly said "I'm sorry you're so cranky". LOL That was his way of saying, "I'm kinda tired of it". He never once questioned WHY I was crabby or expressed concern for our relationship. Felt like a pretty big deal to me. <3

[jacinda]

That's great Laura!