where do i go from here? (super long personal vent post)

[SarahMD]

A lot has happened in the last year. I for the most part feel like I am 100% to at fault for a lot of the situations my children seem to be placed in.

Since the Summer of 2009 my husband and I had problems, super big problems... started with his infidelity. Living in a new place (at the time Florida) I didn't have anyone, so after a month he wanted to come back and I let him. Thinking we were back on track a year went by with me working full time as a preschool photographer. Over that winter of 2009-2010 he had invited two of his brothers to come live with us!?! They were expected to contribute... never really did outside of their questionable babysitting. I fed them, housed them, and even ended up letting their girlfriends move in or stay over long periods of time. Mind you, I have 3 children at this time 5, 2, and 1 barely.

That summer comes around and I'm planning a long vacation back home (here in Ohio) to visit my dad and my sister. While I'm up here with my kids, he and his brothers vandalize the house, my husband loses his job, starts doing drugs (various drugs), and two more extramarital affairs... one of which he tries to keep contact with. Now by now, I was stuck. Three kids, the only one working, and I was STILL broke. I tried to get help from my dad, and my step mom made it blatantly obvious I was to not be assisted.

This took LOTS of prayer. My kids were then enrolled in a child care facility and I continued working decided that as soon as I get money saved up or my tax check I was OUT.

Well, shortly before I could even file taxes, my son was bit by a dog, and had huge lacerations to his face. He was rushed to a children's hospital and we faced a lot of scrutiny over the whole thing. There went my money saved...

We moved again, together, because I needed him for the help with the kids... getting my oldest to school and staying with my other two. The pattern of disgust and animosity toward him grew from that summer of 2010.

I prayed lots and hard and he skipped from job to jobless to "contractor" to jobless and the cycle continued. We had moved 3 other places. And from 2010 to 2011 there was even physical violence toward me from him. In October of 2012 I had had enough. I took a paycheck, bought my dad I one way ticket to Tampa, picked him up from the airport while my husband was at work, and I got my kids, and we rolled out.

It was the hardest thing I had to do was to leave and tell my kids they will see their daddy again soon. I LOVED Florida, I LOVED my job... florida and my dream job (nearly) is what I had to give up to better our lives!

Now I'm enrolled full time at a community college for associates in Business Management, and certificates in the following, Entrepreneurship, Photographic Technology, and Human Resource Management. If it isn't obvious... I'm aiming for running my own studio!

I want to say I "met this guy" but in reality, I've known him from grade school, had a ton of classes with him in school, and worked with him at K-Mart during high school too. We started hanging out and dating when I got back into town. Sometimes I feel ashamed to say that he met my kids, and I met his, and he moved in super quickly, within about 2 months.

My husband moved back up at the end of October 2012 after numerous threats and what not, on Thanksgiving weekend I decided to give him a chance to see the kids. Well at the end of the weekend on Sunday he wasn't going to give them back. I physically picked my girls up (now 8 and 3) one at a time carried them out to the car where my dad was waiting. I tried to get my son (4) but he wouldn't let him go. My boyfriend devised a plan to pull up and offer to take him to the kids' preschool to show him where they were going. Well we pulled up, my step mom in the back, i'm driving, passenger seat door locked but empty and Cal's seat in the passenger side back seat. So when my husband put Cal in and buckled him up, I sped off.

So that, needless to say was the last time I let him see them unsupervised. I invited him over to see them while I was home but he never could "get a ride". Fast forward to April/May of this year he starts dating a girl and decided he was going to try to be a father again. Now my boyfriend, whom I've been dating for 8 months, has stepped up FULLY to the father figure roll, discipline, educating, caring for and playing and doing things for/with my kids. I start letting them go over on weekends here and there and things are just okay. He continuously calls and "gripes" about things like why they are behaving so badly, why is caliber crying when he spills his drink..." and so on... any parent of an 8-9 year old girl, 5 year old boy, and 4 year old girl can attest to the kinds of mood swings and phases kids go through.

With summer, he started getting them for a week at a time, which I admit after 9 months of NO babysitter and continuous kid time... I welcomed it. He wanted to start doing 50/50 but I was driving them spending my time and my money while he only recently gave me 30 bucks. Then the "griping" got worse, he started threatening my boyfriend with bodily harm because my 4 year old call's my boyfriend "DaddyTiger" because of a game they played a few months ago about her being a baby tiger and he was the daddy tiger doing the roaring and everything. My son is getting aggressive and acting out a little bit, he's still super sweet, but he's dropping curse words and i hate you's all the time. My 9 year old is now acting 5 throwing tantrums and crying and arguing alllllllll the time. AND TO TOP IT OFF. He told me he is hustling (and I'll leave it at that).

This is where I'm at currently. There is 4 weeks left of the summer, he hasn't paid ONE DOLLAR in any kind of support and up until a few months ago I had no idea what his address was to file for the divorce. Now money is tight and I'm stuck. The kids want to see their dad, but it's a no brainer for me... I am not taking them over there!!!!!! Between the bad behavior, the lack of support, and his new found business endeavor... period I'm done.

What do I tell my kids? What do I say?? During those 7 months he was hopping from place to place doing whatever he wanted NOT calling the kids... my kids were good, well behaved, and happy kids. I did hear the, I miss dad... once in a while but I always covered for him saying Dad is working or Dad is busy or Dad is out of town?? With him back in the picture my kids are coming back saying, Edyn can't call Jared daddy tiger or he's going to beat up Jared and daddy's stronger than Jared. And I guess now my son is not allowed to wrestle with my boyfriend?

I don't know what I hoped to accomplish from this super huge post... maybe a vent... because ultimately I know I'm doing the right thing by putting my foot down now... and it's going to probably take the court ordered visitation schedule to get me to allow him to be one on one with the kids. That is when I have the extra money to do it.

[clearskies]

Oh my word. Yes, I can see why a nice long vent was needed...

I will pray for some stability for you and your kiddos. Sometimes we mama bears just have to protect our young...even from people in our own families...

In the meantime...do you have any girlfriends up there who would be willing to swap out some childcare with you???

[nun69]

oh wow...you are doing the right thing......it's hard to give you any advice on what to tell your kids, but ultimately this is the right thing to do...they may be angry with you and your boyfriend, but as time goes by, it will work itself out.....I recommend that if you and your BF have cell phones, get rid of your home phone and don't answer ANY calls from him. And I know you aren't "divorced" , but I would certainly try my best to see if you can get a restraining order against him at least for the physical abuse that he caused to you.... I think the "harder" you make it for him and the more time goes by, he won't go through all the effort.....

{{HUGS}} and I will be keeping you in my thoughts~

[rach3975]

I don't have any advice, either, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I disagree on one thing--you said the situation is your fault, and it doesn't sound that way to me. It sounds like you're doing the best you can for your kids while their father works against you. The one thing I've heard advised in situations like this is to document everything you can along the way in case you eventually do need to go to court against their father.

[jacinda]

Oh my heart hurts for you Sarah. I have no advice, but huge hugs and prayers that things will work out the way you want them to.

[Sherri Tierney]

No advice. Just sending some prayers your way and saying I hope things get a lot better really soon. I do hope that at some point your ex can step up and be the kind of dad those kids deserve.

[catgoddess]

Please don't blame yourself. We are human and hindsight does funny things to us. We don't always realize we're making a bad choice at the time because we don't have future events to guide us. Accept your present the best you can and make the best choices you know how - no regrets and no beating yourself up!

As a child of a single mother who grew-up with her grandfather as her only father figure, your kids will be OK without such a bad influence in their lives. I knew from a young age that my father was not a good person and through my grandfather's example, I learned that unconditional love doesn't only come from a parent. Love your kids and do what's best for you and for them and you will get through this very terrible time.

My heart is with you. Be strong and be gentle with yourself.
xoxo