Kids and dating

[Valgal]

Since the subject has come up, how many of you have kids that are dating or have a boyfriend/girlfriend? What boundaries do you have in place? How do you feel about it?

My oldests, both boys, are 17 and only the one has a serious girlfriend and it's his first real one. They have been going out since October and it seems pretty serious but they both recognize they're only teenagers.

Elementary school age the basic rule was that boy/girl relationships do not extend outside of school. ie. you can 'go out' at school, where we can't control everything, but there are no phone calls or meeting up outside of school. No texting, no Facebook friend'ing, no emailing, etc...

Middle school age, group activities only. Texting/calling is fine but mom ultimately makes the judgement call.

High school age, they are old enough to go out on dates alone, but they are given the expectation that their integrity is at stake. It has been explained to Jake recently that it is also his job to protect his girlfriend's reputation (which is why it was NOT cool for him to come home with a hickey a few weeks ago ) and to uphold the rules her mother and father have put in place. To remember that his little sister is watching what he does, etc. Not allowed in the basement or behind closed doors in our home. He is responsible for himself at her house.

Overall it doesn't freak me out TOO badly because my kids have way better respect and standards for themselves than I ever did. I was boy crazy and sexually active and experimenting with drugs/alcohol and horribly rebellious when I was much younger than the boys. I gave my parents a run for their money, lol!

I'm so pleased with my kids! I know someday I'm going to hear about some nutso things they've done, but we talk about so much already that I feel ok about their choices.

Tell me! I'm so curious how other mom's deal with this.

[icindi]

Ugh. I have 3 teens dating. One is 19 and has been dating his girlfriend for almost a year. I like her! They are going to college in different states, so we have to deal with visits. Scary! We can teach them our values and expectations but in the end we have to trust them and hope the hormones don't get in the way of their common sense and values!
My second oldest is almost 17 and has been dating a girl for more than 6 months. She's not my first choice of girls for him....that's the polite way of putting it! We have the no girls in the bedroom rule and they are not allowed in the loft of our basement, where there's a futon. I am thankful she will go to college in the fall and hope they find others to date at that point since my son has one more year of high school.
My 15 year old has been a couple of dates - at her house or our house, and closely supervised.
Sigh. Not fun parenting teens and young adults - it was easier when we had more control over our kids. This takes a leap of faith and a lot of prayer!

[cherrygutz]

Originally Posted by Valgal

It has been explained to Jake recently that it is also his job to protect his girlfriend's reputation (which is why it was NOT cool for him to come home with a hickey a few weeks ago )

No, no, no, no!!!! I'm not yet ready for that!!

[bexy]

I don't even want to think about this!!! Thank heavens my kids are only 10, 8, and 5. I still have a little bit of time, right???

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by bexy

I don't even want to think about this!!! Thank heavens my kids are only 10, 8, and 5. I still have a little bit of time, right???

Oh yeah, don't freak out about it. There's always a new thing happening with kids. Either it's potty training (freak out!) or starting school (freak out!) or driving (freak out!) You really could fall apart at every little stage, but you'd just exhaust yourself. I just try to take things one issue at a time and do my best. Granted, some things are more nerve wracking then others (driving was WAY more stressful to me than dating as been) but... go with the flow.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by cherrygutz

No, no, no, no!!!! I'm not yet ready for that!!

I know, right?! I could've throttled him. Of course he looked horrified when we pointed out that walking around like that in front of the other guys that they would all know what Emma does to boys now. He did NOT like that idea. I don't think we'll see any of that nonsense anymore, because he thinks the world of her. Treats her like a little queen.

[clucaswvu04]

My oldest is 9 - will be 10 in May...so no dating yet, and honestly there are kids in his class that have "girlfriends" but he has no interest right now, his response apparently the last time two of his friends were talking about a girl and her being their girlfriend (they both liked the girl) over him was "come on guys you your whole lives to worry about girls, can you give it a rest so I can read my book" ha ha - this is what another friend of his told me who is in his class I am praying this lasts a while longer! We did though just have "the talk" with him a bit, because well I don't want him to hear about sex, and things of that nature from his friends first and hope he knows he can always talk to us about anything.

I'm so not ready for him to be interested in dating...but am trying to embrace all that it may entail so he will talk to me. We will have the basic rules though - no boys/girls in each other's rooms/behind closed doors, we have right now discussed that there won't be single dates until 15/16, but I'm sure group activities will happen before that.

[carrie1977]

I'm not there yet but my oldest is almost 13 so I'm not naive enough to think it isn't coming soon. I just know that I am going to be open and honest with her about expectations.

[kendallt]

My daughter is 14, and so far, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She hasn't shown a great deal of interest in "dating" until recently, but now there is a boy she likes at school - though she doesn't think he likes her back. I'm not sure what my rule will be when it comes to her actually going out on dates. I'm so torn. I want to trust her and know that I'll have to let go at some point, but...I also know what a nightmare I was as a teen, so I'm a wee bit horrified at the thought of her having a boyfriend! I've always made sure to keep the lines of communication open with her, so I hope that will continue as she gets older.

[ellasspace]

I'm very lucky in this respect my two oldest sons are past this stage and made it through pretty well. Skyler just turned 18 and is more mature then me (not that hard lol) She is a fabulous young woman and has a lot of respect for herself and demands it from others, I adore her boyfriend of a year he is very good too her and loves her because she has the morals she does ... A rare find we will keep him

[mariewilcox]

Well, I've already gone through it with my son - he's now 28. He was always so mature for his age - he was born Oct. 19 so he had to wait a year before starting school (the cutoff date to start K was October 15 where we were living at the time), so he was always older than the kids in his class. I also believe that growing up a military kid matured him due to all the moving and his dad being gone on deployments a lot - he was always very outgoing and females aged 2 to 90 would crush on him He grew up even faster when his dad died when he was 15; we moved back to Maine and he settled into one place for his last 3 years of high school. He had dated before then but not anything major. Then right at the beginning of his sophomore year he met a girl and they started spending all their free time together (she did go to a different high school though). My rules were always no closed doors (we didn't have a basement then) and no excessive displays of affection (i.e. making out). I didn't mind them cozying up on the couch while we were all watching TV - he was and still is a very touchy-feely person (unlike me and Cheyanne) and that's his love language - I didn't mind the occasional smooch in front of me (just not totally sucking face ). Cheyanne was only 3 years old at the time and they always said she was the best birth control because they definitely didn't want to have a kid like her to raise! LOL I know they had sex long before they were seniors but it wasn't under my roof and they always respected my boundaries and they were respectful of each other. They've now been married for 8 years and have 2 kids

Cheyanne is 15 and a sophomore. She "dated" a boy in Jr. high who was really just a good friend since K. I'm good friends with his parents and in fact went to high school with his father. We would all go do things together; movies, dinner, ball games, amusement parks, the beach, etc. so they were always together, but in 6th grade they "dated" at school. I remember one day before we were all going to the movies he texted her and asked if he could hold her hand during the movie; it was really sweet actually because he was so nervous. They "fizzled" out after a year and now they're back to being good friends. She hasn't really been to interested in dating outside of having a date for various events; sub deb, homecoming, winter carnival, etc. She is very mature also and has very high standards for herself and boys so I really don't see any serious boyfriends happening in high school. She told me that it's stupid to get too serious about someone in high school because they haven't experienced life yet and haven't developed their personalities, beliefs, etc. to their fullest... she is a wise young woman

[Valgal]

About the 'wanting to trust them' idea... an older, wiser friend of mine (more like a mentor) helped me with this because Jake would say things like, "You just don't trust me!" and I never knew how to respond. If I say, "Yes I do." then my rule wouldn't make any sense (whatever the rule is) but if I say, "You're right, I don't" I'm going to damage our relationship a bit. She taught me to say

"I trust that you have very good intentions."

[JennNtheBoys]

My son just had his one year anniversary with his girlfriend (he only just turned 14 a few days ago and she is a year older). They are pretty attached, spend time together at school, visit each others house and they are on skype talking while they play computer games together pretty much any waking minute they are not busy with school work or other activities. My only MAJOR rule is that they are not to be behind closed doors when going to each others homes. I don't mind them going into my sons room to watch movies or play their computer games, but I can also see into the room from the livingroom and kitchen so there couldn't be any funny business even if they tried (not to mention his little brothers are nosy and won't leave them alone for 5 minutes LOL). We talk about everything all the time and he still says his "I love yous" (to me) and he did get one trait from his father that I love and that's that he is very honest... even when he does something he knows he shouldn't have he always 'tells on himself'.... so until he does something to break my trust (which I'm confident won't happen... with this one anyway) I always give him the benefit of the doubt (his brothers on the other hand I think will be a handful when they become teens).

Anyway, it's just one of those parenting things where there's no right or wrong way to do things, you just gotta do what works best for your family... only you know your kids, yourself, and can judge how to handle things.

[nietis]

I should be glad that my son is only almost 4 years old right...
Reading this gives me anxiety!

[rach3975]

My oldest is 12 and not that interested in girls yet, but I'm sure it's coming sooner than we're ready for. He's a lot like me as a kid (and even now)--cautious and responsible. So for him I don't feel like I need to set rules about what age he can date at. If he was a different child, we might. Of course we'll still have rules about things like being in his room with the door shut.

I had my first boyfriend at 12, and throughout middle and high school I had a few close guy friends who became long term boyfriends. I'd feel very comfortable with my kids having the same sort of relationships at the same ages. If I'd been a different sort of kid or if DS had a different personality, I might feel the need for stricter rules. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll have to tackle this with DS2 as a teen. He's on the autism spectrum, and even finding friends is very tough for him. DD is only 7, but she's not nearly as cautious and responsible as DS1. It will be interesting the see if we feel like we need to lay down the law more with her.

[cherrygutz]

Originally Posted by Valgal

I know, right?! I could've throttled him. Of course he looked horrified when we pointed out that walking around like that in front of the other guys that they would all know what Emma does to boys now. He did NOT like that idea. I don't think we'll see any of that nonsense anymore, because he thinks the world of her. Treats her like a little queen.

The world would need a lot of him!