What to do?Friend with a baby needs help.

[Gabbina]

So, I thought to ask here too, since I really have no idea what should I do.
One of my very best friend 2 years ago had this beautiful boy. At first we were all so very happy for them, she got married the year before and everything looked perfect.
A few months later, things started to get hard for her. Her husband didn't want to sleep with her, because he needs to sleep and work. (yeah right...) And she was ok with that, because she felt right to sleep in the same bed with the baby. We all thought it was due to the new mommyhood, that once things were settled, everything would have back to normal. But not. One year passed, and she was still sleeping with the baby and not her husband. If the baby wanted to sleep during the day, she was sleeping with him, and totally following his rules (eating when he wanted, sleeping when he wanted, he doesnt wanna sleep in his bed and so on...). She started to gain weight, she didnt drive so she was all alone with the boy all the time. The house was a mess. Her husband always at the office. Now 2 years are passed, and things are ALWAYS the same. The kid doesn't sleep during the night. And so she does. She still breast feed him, cause it's the only way he fall asleep. She gained a LOT of weight and started to pass out randomly.
I really don't know what to do. I wanna help her, but anytime I Call her she's sleeping, or she's busy trying to feed him. She says it's hard, but doesn't want me to come over and help. Her family seems to not see this is a problem. But I am really concerned now. What if she passes out when she's alone with the baby? What would you do... I have no kid, so I don't really know if that's normal or not, but the kid is 2 years old now, I think he shuould be settled with bed time and food time, right? Someone had a similar experience? I really feel like she doesn't have anyone else. And no. Her husband think this is ok, and he needs to "make the money" and have no time.

[joelsgirl]

Wow. That is scary! I would be very very worried about my friend who is living like this. I don't think it's normal or healthy, but I don't know what you can do to help. I hope someone else can give you some good advice.

[KateD]

That wouldn't be considered "normal" where I live. Have you tried talking with her family? Maybe they're just not seeing what you do. I know there are people who breast feed as long as possible. I don't have any experience with that myself, but I would think that the toddler will grow out of it at some point - or she'll reach the point where she thinks he's too old to continue.

As far as the child being settled into a routine, I think that kids settle into routines because their parents make the routines for them and encourage them to adapt to them.

You're a good friend to be concerned.

[MissKim]

I'd be concerned, too, but I'm not sure there's much you can do as a friend. Her family needs to put a stop to it... for the child's sake, if not for hers. What is happening is not healthy for either mom or baby. It's tragic.

[adrianka]

Edited post:

Sorry, Gabbi, I replied to the wrong thread...

It's sad with your friend, and it's definitely not normal, but I can't offer any advice. It's very hard when one is a friend - not really much opportunity to DO something. :-(

[SmallMoments]

Oh wow. Could it be an extreme case of post-partum depression? Would she go to the doctor if you offered to drive her there?

[heathergw]

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

[mummytothree]

Originally Posted by heathergw

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

I agree with every word of this!! Huge hugs for your friend...and while I think she needs to see a doctor immediately to get treated, if she is not willing to see a problem there is nothing you can do...the harder you (and her family) push her the harder she will push back. But that doesn't mean you can't be there for her in other ways!!! Make sure you are calling her often and inviting her places...even if you know she won't come. Make sure that you visit her when ever possible...even if she won't let you in. Just be "present" in her life as much as possible and let her know that you love her and care for her...no matter what!!!

Do you have a hubby or boyfriend or even a male friend that could talk with her hubby!?!!? I really think he needs whipped into shape and needs to be the one to get her to come around and see that there is a problem and she needs to get help ass soon as possible before something terrible/drastic happens!!!

[Paula]

Originally Posted by heathergw

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

Word!!

[Gabbina]

Thanks for the words, girls... I'll try to call later and go see her tonight. She texted me this morning saying she passed out yesterday and she was all alone with the baby. The baby is ok, anyway. Her family isn't around her much, so I feel almost responsible for her.

I'll try to talk to her about post-partum depression, and maybe find a doctor or someone she can talk to.

[lovely1m]

Originally Posted by heathergw

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

I agree totally with Heather. I had PPD and didn't come out of it until shortly before my son was 2. I didn't even realize I had it until then either. A friend of mine had suspected, but didn't say anything. I recently had to have a talk with a friend about depression and it was very, very hard to do. Hugs!

[nanienamou]

Originally Posted by heathergw

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

Same here!

[DawnMarch]

The passing out is very concerning and I wonder if it could be a cry for help on her part -- whether consciously or subconsciuosly. I would try to intervene with her and tell her that she may need some help to get back on track with a normal schedule. There's no reason that a 2 year old shouldn't be sleeping at night -- then they could at least get out and do stuff during the day. She would be very isolated if they are sleeping all day.

[newfiemountiewife]

Originally Posted by heathergw

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

I agree with this whole heartedly. It really sounds like post patum depression to me and I think she would need some help from a doctor to help with it. Also, it wouldn't hurt for someone to speak to her DH, obviously she needs more support there also.

[deepounds]

Very scary situation . . . she definitely needs help & hopefully you can convince her of that. Obviously her husband is oblivious, and apparently her family is too & that is most likely not helping the situation . . . you're a good friend, and I hope you can talk her into seeing a professional. ((hugs))

[Shawna Clingerman]

yeah, i think the co-sleeping/nursing/spoiling is really not something you can say anything to her about, all sorts of parents make all sorts of choices that seem questionable to us - and by telling her you think she is doing those things wrong you will probably have a harder time getting her to listen to you about the other issues.


The randomly passing out and the exhaustion is a really important concern... only a dr. can say what it is, but there is a wide range of things it could be - from ppd, to thyroid issues, to nutrition issues.

I think the best you can do is get her to a dr, i wouldn't try to tell her you think it is ppd (even though that seems really likely) instead just tell her you are worried and that you want to help and that maybe she can start feeling better if she goes to a dr. Offer to drive her, to watch her kid, what ever it takes to get her some medical assistance.

I hope you can get her the help she needs.

[dlaratonae]

Originally Posted by heathergw

while I'm one who thinks that co-sleeping and breastfeeding at age 2 is totally normal and something we do in our family and many of my friends do too... I would say though that the sleeping, passing out, weight gain and all out not taking care of herself and her house is totally not normal and I personally think she is dealing with post partum depression and would be concerned for her and think she needs help.

I completely agree with this. I will be praying for you and your friend.

[rach3975]

You're a good friend to be trying to help! PPD is probably the most likely explanation, but I'll throw out 1 other thing. The baby could have a medically-caused sleep disorder (sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, etc) that has them both so sleep deprived that she can't function and is passing out from exhaustion.

Some clues that it could be a sleep disorder are snoring and lots of ear infections (which could indicate enlarged tonsils and adenoids causing sleep apnea) or a child who never seems well rested. (If the baby sleeps decently and seems well rested but is sleeping during the day, that sounds more like a schedule problem than a sleep disorder.) Unfortunately, I think pediatricians miss true sleep problems in babies and toddlers because poor sleep habits is a much more common cause. I think it isn't until later that they start to take it seriously--we're still dealing with getting a diagnosis and treatment for my 4.5 year old, but he's old enough now that at least they're taking us seriously when we say there's something wrong.