Forgiveness is hard....

[ColleenSwerb]

::sigh:: This is long. Sorry.

So, my Dad's mom didn't come to our wedding. She's always hated my mother, and for the last 10 years or so has really gone a little on the crazy side. Not coming to the wedding was kind of the last straw for most of us. She doesn't talk to anyone and is angry angry angry at all of us, but no one knows why. My siblings and I are the only grandchildren she has, and I believe my family are the only living relatives she has left. She burned all bridges with her own family ages ago, and once her husband died (2005) things REALLY got bad.

Last Christmas I sent her a card with our wedding photo in it. I never heard anything from back her. At this point I haven't actually spoken to her since June of 2009. My sister (who is a "fixer") has been in contact with her a little bit more this year, trying to make amends. She doesn't even talk to my father, her only child.

So obviously, I had to tell her about the baby. She's going to be a great-grandmother, and she deserved to know that. So I called her 2 weeks or so ago and left her a voicemail (she screens her phone calls). The next day my mom calls to tell me that Grandma fell and hurt herself, and called Dad for help. She ended up in the ER with a busted arm and knee, and a big gash on her forehead (where she previously had skin cancer removed, in 2008 or 2009 I think). Because of all this, she's been talking to my Dad a lot more. She's admitted she "might" have made some mistakes in the recent past and that she was heartbroken she missed our wedding. My Dad wants me to call and talk to her sometime soon. My sister spoke with her the other day and said she's very excited and happy for Jordan and I.

So here's the thing. I KNOW I should be glad that she's "coming around" somewhat. I KNOW I should forgive her for missing our wedding. I KNOW I should just be happy that she'll hopefully get to meet this baby.
But I'm still angry. There was NO REASON for her to miss the wedding. She got angry over something ridiculous and RSVP'd as a no. No explanation to ANYONE, no phone call, no letter, no nothing. She hasn't spoken to the rest of us in almost 2 years. She's practically thrown my father out of her house just for thinking that my mother might have been there.

::sigh:: I know I need to let that anger go and move on. But man, it sucks.
I just needed to vent a little. If you made it this far you're a saint, lol.

[Darcy Baldwin]

I know it's hard, Col...but let it go. Something happened that you're not privy to..and most of the family isn't. Her pride is making it hard for her...but she's reaching for you...((HUGS))

[*Celeste*]

that's hard, but try and look at it as a positive. maybe she's suffering from some dementia or something too. you never know.

[cardinalskate]

I hear you about forgiveness being hard. My grandmother...is not the nicest person. She's downright mean, actually. Especially to my mother. So even when she's being nice to me, the way she treats my mother does not make me feel warm and fuzzy towards her. But if she began to see the error of her ways, I may be open to having her in my life more.

This is such a personal thing. Hurt, especially from family, is hard to forgive and impossible to forget.

[nun69]

that's hard, but I agree with Darcy...{{{HUGS}}}

[taracotta7]

Darcy is right. Plus, anger will just punish you, not her. You don't want this situation to take away from the awesome blessing that is happening to you right now. It sucks to be a grown up and do the better thing at times.

[ColleenSwerb]

Oh I know that I need to let it go, and I will call her, and all that.
It just sucks. I think that I never really dealt with my feelings about it all after the wedding because she just disappeared. She made it clear she didn't want anything to do with any of us, so I just pushed it all from my mind I guess. Now I have to deal with it, and I'm actually surprised that I'm still upset by it. And these pregnancy hormones aren't helping either, lol.

[Leila]

I totally agree with Darcy. Totally.

A few years ago, TLC had a show called The Messengers. It was on at 2am, so it was something I found one night when I couldn't sleep. That night, the contestants, all motivational speakers of some sort, were talking on forgiveness. The eventual winner, Daneea Badio said this:

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different.

I've held on to that for years, reminded myself of it when dealing with unresolved feels regarding my bio father, my mother, anyone who 'wronged' me. I can't change the past. It is what it is, and I need to let it go to move on, move forward in my life. IDK--maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't. Just thought I'd put the quote out there.

BTW--that quote is attributed to Oprah, but I know she's not the one who said it first. Nor is Daneea Badio--I'm trying to find the book it was in because it's bugging me that I can't remember the person's name.

[MamaBee]

Ugh- hugs, sweetie!!! From a family that likes to hold our grudges... I can relate... it's hard to forgive. As long as she is open, I would, for the sake of your little one, keep the bridge open... you don't have to forget what has happened, maybe you will be able to move past it in time...

[Nettio]

Originally Posted by ColleenSwerb

Oh I know that I need to let it go, and I will call her, and all that.
It just sucks. I think that I never really dealt with my feelings about it all after the wedding because she just disappeared. She made it clear she didn't want anything to do with any of us, so I just pushed it all from my mind I guess. Now I have to deal with it, and I'm actually surprised that I'm still upset by it. And these pregnancy hormones aren't helping either, lol.

((HUGS)) Col. If it makes you feel better, my MIL missed our wedding 5.5 years ago and I'm not entirely convinced my DH has completely forgiven her for it either. In our case it was different because she missed the wedding due to complications from her morbid obesity, but I know my DH hoped it would be a bit of a wake up call for her, ya know, missing her "baby boy's" wedding due to her refusal to take care of her own body and all. Sadly that hasn't happened (if anything she's making even less of an effort now) and while he probably wouldn't admit it, I do think it's somewhat soured his relationship with her since then.

Anyway, I guess my point is that it's normal to be upset, hurt or even angry when someone isn't willing to make the effort to be there for a day that is SO important to you. But the fact that she's making an effort to make amends now, so she can be there for the next milestone, seems like a good thing.

[CA Dreamer]

You have to let it all go. I know it is hard. Especially if she is actually willing to admit that she 'might have' made mistakes. She won't be around for very long and she is not coming to move in with you. It is probably really hard for her to have even opened the door a little bit as she has obviously held on to so much bitterness for so long.

That being said, you have a right to be angry, but I think you will be happy in the long run if you could find it in your heart to just let it go and have a fresh start with her.

[heathergw]

(((HUGS)))

[Laurarae13]

It seems to me that it was her loss that she missed your wedding and I think she realizes that and is probably as angry at herself as you are at her. Look at it this way, what if she had come to the wedding all hateful and bitter and ruined your day? It is best that she waited to come back into your lives until she was ready to admit to her mistakes and ask for forgiveness. The hardest part for you must be how she treats your mother. That I would have a problem with. Good luck, I hope she really is changing.

[Davita]

No advice here. This kind of thing is always so hard. Sending you lots of hugs though. Don't let it stop you from enjoying every minute of this special time for you and your hubby. The baby wouldn't like that.

[rachaelsscraps]

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. I don't really have any advice, but I feel your pain. (Some family issues with my mom.. I had custody of my little sister and it put a lot of strain on our relationship). It's no fun! So big hugs cuz I know what you're going through!!

[Jengerbread88]

I want to tell you to go and forgive. I say that you should because I didn't in a similar situation, and now in a lot of ways I wish I would have.

It's good to forgive, though. I'll be praying for you, that things work out how they should.

[Lyd]

Yep - obviously you know what you need to do, but it really is so much easier said than done. But, you know what Col, just understanding that you need to forgive is a huge step in the process, and it will just take some time. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can't get over it in a day or a week or a month. Keep moving forward with the idea in your heart that you want to forgive and move on. Eventually, the peace will come into your heart, and you'll wake up one day realizing that the burden has been lifted.

At least that's how it happened for me . . . .

[MissKim]

Colleen, I'm so feeling you. My own parents betrayed me in a heartbreaking way a few weeks ago (actually, it was on my birthday). I have barely spoken to them in the 3 weeks since then. I know I'm right. I know they're wrong. Heck, they admitted it. It is so hard for me to be the bigger person here. I know what I need to do. It just kills me to do it.

One of my facebook friends said, "Sometimes we can't move on, but we can move forward." That's sort of my philosophy right now. Even though my heart breaks again every time I talk to my parents.

[joelsgirl]

Yup, I agree. She hurt YOU, not just all the things she did to you family, and that is something you have to deal with and can't just be like, "Woohoo, mean ol' grandma is coming around!" I hope you are able to forgive her because the peace of forgiveness is way better than the bitterness of holding grudges.

[LeeAndra]

Don't be too hard on yourself, Col. Sure, you can work on forgiving her and make the 'olive branch' effort to have her involved with your child's life, but it does NOT mean that you have to throw caution to the wind and be her BFF this second.

She has proven to have some emotional/mental issues that you need to be cautious of especially in light of the baby. Make the first move and be the better person, but don't expect all the nasty to go away when you do. Take baby steps (ha ha), and let her prove that she really wants a relationship with you and your family.

My side of the family definitely has a dysfunctional way of dealing with things (emotions) that I find very toxic (which is part of the reason I live 2.5 hours away from them!) and have hurt me in the past for things they've never apologized to me for that I'm supposed to pretend never happened. However, they have been nothing but good as gold to DD over the last two years, so I make the effort for them to see her at least once every 6-8 weeks. While they and I will never be as close as I wish we could be, I hope that they have a better relationship with DD and can be close to her as the years go by. If they were to ever do something to her like they have done to me, you can be sure I'd pull the plug really quickly, but I try to not let the mindset keep DD from enjoying her family and vice versa.

[rach3975]

Hard as it is, you clearly know what you need to do. If it were me I'd make the call and open the door now, but true forgiveness would come a lot more slowly. It sounds like you'd made your peace with her absence, and if she hadn't come back into your life that would have been that. It's hard to open yourself up to her again, not knowing why she turned her back on everyone and whether it is going to happen again. But given that she's trying, you'd probably regret it later if you didn't try to reopen a relationship with her.

[Teresa]

So sorry, Col....just wanted to give you some supportive ((HUGS)). Family dynamics are so dauntingly complicated, right? I definitely feel for you. My aunt, only one I ever knew growing up, completely ignored both mine and my sister's weddings (as did her children), our pregnancies, basically entire lives since we graduated from high school. There's no real explanation I know of and I've let her go...I don't expect a resolution, but if it ever came, I'm not sure I'd be as open and forgiving as many have suggested...maybe accepting, but not enough to try to heal the years, just to proceed with caution. I hope you all are able to mend the relationship with her (as much as you can)!

[newfiemountiewife]

As someone who cut their Step mother (and essentially her father) from her life 2 years ago, I'm not sure I can offer much advice. I held out the olive branch to her more times than I can count, but something I said or did 15 years ago still bugs her so much that she wouldn't come visit my children thus, my father really hasn't gotten to know his grandchildren. Our last encounter was me yelling at her to not fight with me in front of my kids, her ignoring it and calling me every name in the book, and then telling me to go f*** myself. I haven't seen her since. Nor will I. It's a shame, but I've learned it is THEIR loss. I love my father, he's a good man, and it's hard for him to be in the middle of this nonsense. I'm still somewhat bitter that my step mom is being such a horrid person, but I had to let it go so I could heal and concentrate on the good that I have in my life. She holds grudges forever, and I STILL don't even know what I did wrong!!!!!!

You don't need to forgive and forget overnight. It takes time. Just think about what will be best for you, and best for your family (Jordan, you and the baby), then do it. Do you want the baby to know her? Or does that matter to you? Think about it all before you jump right back in, and don't expect an apology. If she's like my step mother, she will never give you one, even if she knows she was in the wrong. ((hugs))

[AmyG]

[ColleenSwerb]

Thanks so much guys. So many of you said things that were spot on to what I've been thinking and feeling.

I'll give her a call once I'm feeling better. The morning sickness is still pretty bad at night, and I know my stomach will be in knots when I make the call, so I'd rather wait until it's not a total mess.

I'm going to try and go into with no expectations. She's let us down enough before that I should have that down pat by now.