When awful things happen...

[kendallt]

You guys. I know this is a dark topic, and even though I try to keep things happy and positive, my heart is really heavy right now. I have a close knit circle of friends. In the last two weeks, two friends have had miscarriages, and one other who was due next month lost her baby girl.

I'm devastated. I'm confused. I'm at a loss for what to do or say. My heart just hurts so much. I have offered to make dinner, come by and talk, and in general am just trying to be there for my friends without crowding or making them feel uncomfortable, but it's so hard.

The funeral for Baby Ruth is this afternoon, and I know I need to go, but I honestly have no idea how I'm going to get through it. I'm really sorry for posting such a heavy, serious subject, but you guys are just so good at listening and being supportive. If you have any advice for how I can be a good friend without being overbearing in this situation, it would be much appreciated. Life is so rough sometimes...

[carrie1977]

I'm not going to lie to you. A funeral for a baby is hard. It's heartbreaking. It's unfair. To see that little casket.....my nephew was born at 26 weeks and didn't survive. My brother was crushed. All you can do is be there for them. They'll know that they have your love and support. It's hard to know exactly what to do because everyone grieves differently. You can't be too overbearing either. They'll want their space sometimes.

Sending big love your way. I'll be thinking of you all today.

[misfitinmn]

Awww Kendall, that's awful and heartbreaking. I have a friend (granted an online friend so different circumstances) who lost her 7 year old soon last year and since then I've done a lot of reading on grief and child loss. I always felt, prior to this, that I wouldn't want to "reopen their wounds" so to speak but that wound will always be there and it seems most parents just don't want you to forget their child. So...remember them on holidays, the "angelversary", due date, etc. Use the baby's name. Open yourself up to them as someone they can talk to about their loss.

It's not going to be easy, that funeral. I'll be thinking of you.

[nietis]

SO so sorry Kendall... My husband just shared with me that one of his colleagues lost his baby that is due in December. He was asking me what he should do. I said for him to listen to his friend telling him his grief was the best thing he could do at the moment.
Losing a baby is almost an impossible thing to get over from... I lost my niece without seeing her. It left a hole in my heart ever since...

[Keely~B]

I'm sorry Kendall, that's so, so hard. I don't think there's a magic formula as it's going to be different for everyone. I think being present and open is the most important thing. My heart goes out to you and your people. Hugs and good thoughts your way.

[mariewilcox]

It's not easy Kendall, that's for sure.

I agree with the others - our first instinct is to not talk about the child because we're afraid it will only hurt the parents but I know that the opposite is true. It's only been 5 months and 11 days since the 12-yo daughter of my best friend passed (completely unexpectedly - one minute a completely healthy active athletic child running during practice and literally the next minute collapsed and never regained consciousness). It helps her dad and sister to talk about it and me too (she was like a daughter to me and lived with us a lot when her mother was dying from kidney disease). No one wants to feel like their child is forgotten or that no one cared enough to remember them.

That said, give them space to grieve but don't avoid them (they already feel badly and avoiding them makes them feel even worse in my experience). Share memories, let them talk about it, etc. Like someone else said, remember the dates that are important.

[lovely1m]

My sister had my niece at right about 22 weeks, she did not live. At her funeral, I gave her a necklace with her name engraved on it. She wore it daily for the time she needed it to grieve and eventually put it away for just times she needed it. She said it helped a lot. All you can really do it continue to reach out to them and offer your help/lend an ear/be there for them. I am so sorry for your friends.

[DawnMarch]

I read a really good article about how to support grieving people. It basically said to stay away from a lot of the platitudes like "this was God's plan" or that the loved one was in a "better place" because your friend may not believe those things. Instead, if you don't know what to say or do, you just should be honest and open. They suggested something like: "I don't really know what the right thing is to say or do to help but I'm here to support you in any way that you need support, whether it's talking or making food or . . . ., now or later."

As for you, I've never been to a funeral for a baby but I would think it would be incredibly sad. I would probably try to get through it by focusing on helping the family rather than on the tragedy itself. Ugh, so so sad. I had two miscarriages and it is much more emotionally devastating than I ever imagined prior to being pregnant. I was amazed at the time how many people have gone through it and never said anything until they were trying to comfort me. I'm glad people are being a little more open about it these days.

[rach3975]

I'm so sorry!

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[Valgal]

First of all, don't be sorry. Lord knows I've started my share of serious posts and it always helps to get things off my chest and see other points of view and encouragement.

Secondly, I think you're doing the right things already. The funeral will be hard and I know you don't want to go, but I know that you WILL go, and we'll be here if you want to talk later.

(((hugs)))

[Melissa Bennett]

Oh I am so sorry and I can see how it would be so difficult. Glad you are there for them. Sending you all prayers and love.

[mrsashbaugh]

So heartbreaking. Hugs and will be lifting your friends up in prayer.

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[Sweeet]

A lot of great suggestions/advice from such a great community, I echo what many have shared. My sister and SIL both had still-births and that was difficult especially I was 19 (never had a child) and they both turned to me for comfort, etc. I really didn't know how to react honestly, but was completely heartbroken for both. I said exactly what Dawn mentioned "I don't know what to say or do, but I'm here for you, whether it's by talking, visiting, helping, whatever it is, I'm here for you."

You're an amazing woman and you'll get through this, I know. It's the big heart you have. You are already being there for them by attending funeral (I know you went, past tense)....anyways, you know I lifted them all up prayers, will continue. Much love honey! ::heart::

[kim517]

I've walked through two infant deaths with close friends. One was stillborn on her due date and the other was born at 25 weeks and they were forced to take him off life support 2 days later. When the second happened, I distinctly remember standing outside the hospital room about to walk in and thinking "I cannot do this again." What I can say from those experiences is that what everyone has said is true. Funerals for infants are terrible and gut wrenching and hard - but you need to be there. And you know what you need to be there even more for? Every other day. Let them talk and be sad. Don't say cliche things. Don't expect them to "get over it". Say the child's name. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to say or do. Let them know you're their friend and support and pray and that's all you can do. Hugs!

[Saar]

I'm so sorry to hear this Kendall.

[JennNtheBoys]

I am so sorry to hear this. It is a VERY difficult thing to go through for everyone involved. It sounds to me like you are already being a wonderful friend for them.... all you can really do is let them know that you are there for them if and when they need someone. My BFF went through this last year and I think being as close as we are helped a lot as I knew her opinions and how topics such as this made her feel, I knew how she handled sad/stressful/heart breaking situations.... and I knew that she knew how I felt about all these things as well.... so for example my friend prefers to be left alone and if she wants to talk she will.... I am the same way.... on the other hand when things are sad we both need a good laugh.... I know THAT probably sounds dark, but humor has always gotten us through tough times, we certainly did NOT joke about what happened, but we did take some time to just "forget about the sadness" for a few minutes cause I knew she would want that. I think all you can do is think about your friends, and how they cope with things, let them know you are there and the let them come to you.

[crystalbella77]

This is so heartbreaking. When I had my first miscarriage my mom and sister bought me a necklace like Mari mentioned. IT said "always in my heart" and I wore it until I felt like I was ok not wearing it. We have a special thing we do when we have a baby where we buy the baby a GIANT stuffed animal. When we lost August, hubby went and bought one for him and that was so kind to me. <3 Bringing meals is awesome...or gift cards for meals. The first few weeks for me I could barely function just because I was sooooo sad.

We have friends who lost their 6 month old and it's soooo sad and uncomfortable. Hubby was talking the husband one day (Jason) and Jason told him that he wants to talk about Skyla. That she is their daughter and people want to never mention her or bring her up, but that she is theirs and they miss her and she did exist.

When I had my second miscarriage I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone when I lost the baby because some people are AWFUL...so I can tell you a few things NOT to do if that's helpful?
- Do not tell them that there is a reason for it. That God only gives you what you can handle. It's BS and the worst thing to here. I have a lot to say about this, but not everyone is religious so I will keep it to myself unless someone asks.
- Don't ever no matter how long it's been, say it's time to move on. (Not that I think you would or are a jerk like my IL's...but this was infuriating to me)
- Don't expect them to go anywhere where there will be lots of babies at first...no matter what the event is. I made a few people pretty mad cause I just couldn't do it and it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, it was just sad.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I am sooooo sorry for your friend's losses. It doesn't make sense and it is devastating!!

[kendallt]

Thanks, everyone, for all your sweet comments and suggestions. I don't ever want to make this all about me, but for some reason, I'm just having a super hard time dealing. I've been crying off and on since the funeral yesterday. We are supposed to be going to a Halloween party tonight, and I know it will be a good distraction, but I am really not in a party-type mood at all.

And for those of you who have gone through and experienced this personally, I am so very sorry for your loss.

[MommaTrish]

When my cousin's baby died what meant the most to her wasnt what everyone did and said right afterwards. Having her baby remembered, talked about and celebrated on birthdays and holidays has meant the most.

[jessica31876]

The ones who showed up and did what needed to be done when I could not do them really helped me. My sisters boyfriend brought his crew to mow the lawn. My best friend brought food. (two large rotisserie chickens from costco). My daughters mil and fil brought sandwich meat, cheese and bread. Lots of people sent cards. People from SSD donated money to help with whatever expenses came up. There were lots of things I had to buy and then the cost of driving back and forth everyday as well. One of my friends sent flowers. My sisters job donated a 50 gift card for me to use to buy food. I hope your friends have a huge support system. Its such a hard thing to go through and one I dont wish at any stage of development whether it be down the road, during pregnancy or at birth.

[angiepangie]

Originally Posted by kendallt

I don't ever want to make this all about me, but for some reason, I'm just having a super hard time dealing.

You're not making it about yourself Kendall, you're being an incredible friend whom truly cares about others. The world needs more people like you.

I've lost two children (both during pregnancy, my second daughter also technically died during birth but thankfully(!!!) was able to be resuscitated) and in all honesty, the best thing you can do is just be there for the parents. I found it toughest to deal with the people who just ignore that it happened and the huge emotional and physical toll it takes on you (especially since I had to go through labour and give birth - one of the labours I even had to go through when I was away from home in Japan).

I gave birth to my first child, deceased, within a week of one of my cousins having their first child. I was so happy for them, sent them a present and everything (I live on an island), but what made it difficult for me was when they completely ignored me afterward because they didn't know what to say. My Mum managed to meet their child before she died later that year. I was 22 weeks pregnant with my son when she died (I fell pregnant again not long after losing our first child), so she never met any of her own grandchildren. My cousins never know what to say around my sister and I anymore (my sister found out she was pregnant with her first child a few days before Mum's funeral). The relationship with my cousins has completely disintegrated, no matter how hard I try. I hate it because I'm genuinely so happy for them. I lost my baby, I lost my cousins, then I lost my Mum within six months.

By the sounds of it you are doing exactly what I appreciated others doing when we lost our babies. <3 Remembering the child and considering the parents is honestly the best thing you can do.

[Captivated Visions]

Kendall this is so hard and you're a great caring friend, everyone here has given great advice that I echo, sending you big big hugs xo

[Becca Bonneville]

Oh Kendall, that is so difficult. You sound like an amazing friend who wants to be there. I echo Rachel in it sounds like you have received great advice. Just letting them know you are there is always nice. Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers! ((hugs))

[bexy]

That really is the hardest thing ever. Lots of love and prayers for your friend. And to all of you out there who have gone through this - I'm so sorry and my love goes to you too!!!

[icindi]

Hugs to you and the families affected. Sooo hard. That should never happen.

[tammybean04]

So sorry for your friends losses Kendall. Sounds like you got some awesome advice. Sending hugs and keeping all of you in my thoughts.