Kids throwing fits

[joelsgirl]

Max is five, and he has always been prone to freaking out, but it got really bad last year when we moved to Manila. At his bday party, 2 months after we moved, we invited all the neighborhood kids for a Filipino style party. It was lots of fun for everyone...except Max. He hated being the center of attention, losing at games and was totally overwhelmed, so he spent most of the party hiding under the table and crying. It wasn't typical of him, but it wasn't really like, "OMG, what happened to him??"

After that, he had a similar meltdown once a month the rest of the year. Screaming, sobbing, totally irrational, triggered in ways that we didn't see being a trigger. But after it was over each time, he was totally fine, apologized for his behavior and everything was ok.

Today he had his first meltdown this year. We were at the store, and I wouldn't buy him a Batman umbrella. My parents are coming in two days, and I said he could get it when they come. He put the umbrella up, but once we got to the next aisle, he started going back to the umbrellas. I had to leave my cart in the store and drag him outside because he was crying and trying to run away. I told him that if he chose to keep acting this way, we would go home and he would stay in his room till bedtime. (It was 1:15 pm at the time) He continued to throw a fit, so we went home, without our groceries. : (

So now he's punished in his room, and I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Would you have punished him? Would you have left the mall? Seriously, I don't know what to do or if what I did was right, and I'd like to be a little more prepared next time.

[jacinda]

Yep, I totally would've done what you did. My kids at 5 yrs old understood consequences once they were warned, and I always followed through. I found at that age, I had to make my kids have a nap in the weekend now and then. Not every week, but whenever I could see they were getting tired. It seemed to prevent so many melt downs, especially with Elisa. She's 6 and a half now, and still has melt downs towards the end of each term when she's too tired. Learning takes up so much of their energy.

Stick to your guns and follow through on any punishment you give. One child psych says to find the kids 'currency'. What is it that they just can't do without. For teenagers it might be their cell phone, for younger ones it might mean a special toy or TV time. Take away their currency when they misbehave. They have to earn it back.

Edited to add: I don't know that I would keep a 5 yr old in their room for awfully long though. Not till dinner time anyway. I'd keep him in there till he was ready to apologise and accept responsibility for his actions. Once he's done that, inform him of any additional consequences (no tv for the rest of the week etc), then give him a hug and consider the matter over. Young kids need immediate consequences.

[joelsgirl]

Ok, I told him he can come out once Jack gets home from school at 3. That's an hour and a half in his room plus no electronics/TV. He was already calm AND apologetic by the time we got home; this is what makes me think punishing him isn't what I should do. As soon as he's over it, he is back to his normal self. It's like he can't really make the choice to stay calm. Most of the time, he does make choices, but in these events, it's like he can't handle his emotions. What do you think?

[bexy]

my 5 year old son is the same way. i struggle with his punishments too because he is always really sincere in his apologies but i've stuck with it. i warn him and if i get to a third warning he gets the punishment no matter how sorry he says he is. i know he gets that his behaviour is wrong, but he needs to know that there are consequences to terrible behaviour. we also moved across the world recently, but his life is stable and he wants for nothing, so onward we go with the normal routines...

[jacinda]

Maybe he need some training in how to handle negative emotions? I don't know. Maybe the Super Nanny site would have some better advice.

[glumirk]

I always read these threads hoping that it'll get better, but my 3 year old is the same. He's definitely worse when he's tired, hungry, over-stimulated, or sick. He doesn't know how to handle the emotions of not getting his way, and lashes out. On Sunday he pulled his best friend's hair HARD. I haves found his "currency" yet either. Most of his toys are in the basement because I've taken them away, and even when he earns them back he will probably lose them again in a week or two.

I have found that if I warn him about every possibility that at least the emotions won't catch him off-guard and we will have a smaller melt-down, but not always.

What I do know is that it always helps me to know that I'm not alone. Kids these days need strong personalities and need to be stubborn in standing up for themselves, I just wish I knew how to teach him when he needs to stand his ground and when it's ok to let something go. Again, I have no clue how, but it helps me to know that my fiends have similar problems with their boys too.

[MissKim]

First, I think you did the absolute right thing once the behavior started.

I guess the teacher in me would try to prevent the behavior from happening again, and I'd ask myself what function the fit served. It almost sounds to me like there was some anxiety around that umbrella.... almost like he felt he had to have it right then. I'm sure he heard you and understood what you said, but he couldn't stop himself from wanting it. And then when you pulled him out of the store, he got to the point where he couldn't get himself out of the tantrum and so then he really lost it. [I have this happen on an almost daily basis in my classroom, btw, so I don't have all the answers.] Anxiety in children is so hard for me. My philosophy is just to love without judging about the anxiety and to just state in plain terms the facts of the situation. Let them have the tantrum and when they're done, they can return to the activity. They still don't get what they wanted, but they get a way to get out of the tantrum with dignity and rejoin our group.

[LeeAndra]

It sounds like he gets easily overstimulated and/or overwhelmed when there is too much going on around him or inside him.

I totally get that. I am the same way; I just don't throw a fit on the outside.

My DD is like that, too. I do a lot of explaining of things when we go someplace e.g. on the way to the store, I explain where we're going and what we're going to get there, inside the store I explain what we're doing as we're walking down each aisle and how much time is left until we're done, when I'm checking out the groceries I explain that we're almost done, and as we're walking out to the car I explain that we're done and what we're doing next. I also do a lot of positive reinforcement when she's doing well in a public place.

I always carry snacks with me (being hungry is a trigger for her & she doesn't usually eat enough at a sit-down meal to get her through to the next one), and I'm not above bribing her into being good in public/leaving without throwing a fit with a snack/meal once we get in the car.

When she has hit meltdown mode, I do a lot of explaining to her what she is feeling e.g. 'I bet you are feeling frustrated that I won't let you have the toy. Frustrated means that you are upset or mad that you can't have something or something is not the way you want it to be.' I also encourage her to take deep breaths, try to hold her and/or make her sit down someplace, and propose another fun activity we can do once she has stopped crying e.g. 'Once you stop throwing a fit, we can watch the rest of our movie/read book/take a bath.' This seems to help most of the time.

When we are out and abt, we then have some downtime at home to decompress. I need this, too, so while she and I might go on one or two errands at a time or go to someone's house for something, we wouldn't push it by being gone all day long with no chance to relax/unwind/play at home. We would come back home for an hour or two before going back out to do something else. Being at home and able to run around and be loud really seems to help her with her ability to be good/obedient/quiet in public and abide by the rules she knows she's supposed to follow.

[ChristyHC]

When my ds was 4 he had a very emotional year like that. He is a very well behaved child, but he would just lose it at times - screaming, crying, hitting, etc. I finally sat down with him soon after one fit - when he was completely calm again - and we talked about it. I asked him to think about why the fit happened. We talked about how he is bigger now and can start to control his own behavior. Together we brainstormed some other things he could do when he felt angry or overwhelmed. It was great to get his perspective on it all and helped me deal with it better.

[YepBrook]

I agree with much of what's already been said. I think throwing fits & having meltdowns is a pretty normal thing for kids, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Grace is more of my fit-thrower than Ben. Especially in stores or when we're out running an errand (basically anytime I am really trying to accomplish something and NEED her to be on her best behavior).

Here's a few things I've tried that might help you with Max:

1. On our way there in the car I always discuss: a) where we are going & what we're doing there or buying (and in particular what we're NOT buying) b) how I expect the kids to behave and c) what will happen if they don't behave.

2. When we are in the store or wherever else we're going (store, post office, grocery shopping) I try to think of something the kids can do to help me and I give them jobs. This is a HUGE one. Like: "help me find the maple syrup!" or: "I need someone to sort things in the basket for me". Now that Ben is older I can give him a simple list and his job is often my "list keeper". He reads the list over and over and checks off the things as we get them. It keeps them from becoming bored and dissatisfied with the trip. I am not so great at remembering to do this because it does take some thought and can make the trip longer... but whenever I do it really works. Gotta give my DH credit for this one, he's great at this.

3. When it comes to toys & purchases for the kids, cut out spontaneous purchases and the begging for things while in the store will almost disappear. ALMOST. I have found the reason the kids were nightmares when it came to the toy aisle is because I did sometimes decide to spontaneously buy them something while we were out. So, I think they started thinking that might happen every time. I do discuss with them what we're out to buy beforehand, and if it's clothes for them I say: "only clothes today! I will let you choose a shirt!" Rather than having to have that discussion in the store.

4. Rewards for good behavior on the endless-errands kind of day. I try to think of some treat or prize (special drink, bouncy ball, snack, etc.) they might like after being good in the stores on days when we have to make several stops.

5. If they don't behave in the store, do not tolerate tantrums... leave your basket and go home right away. Even with unfinished errands. This one is hard, but my mom suggested this to me when Ben was a toddler and I never really had to do it until Grace turned 2. I have done this 3 or 4 times and it WORKS. They feel awful that all the things we had to get had to be left behind, and they remember it for a looong time after. I wouldn't have thought my kids would care about leaving a basket of groceries behind, but they do. And once I was unable to get a birthday card for my friend and Ben cried that she would be so sorry I had no card for her. So, it's an effective consequence.

Hope this helps, Kellie!!! And (((HUGS))) big time. I'm right there with you. Being a mom sure is a lot of hard work, but it's worth it.

[nun69]

good luck....I agree with Kim and think it just sounds like some anxiety and maybe some overstimulation....my poor little guy has been like this over and over and over....luckily the school recognized what was happening and we are getting him tested for different things (not to say that is what Max needs, but I totlaly understand what you are going through) ...{{{HUGS}}}

[kristijoy]

My son is 6. He does not do well in a big crowd. He gets edgy, anxious, nervous, can't make good decisions, sharp with his words etc... For this we totally limit his interactions with groups. If I have kids over it's ONE. At school he only has 10 in his class and there is lots of time outside at recess for space. He can also CHOOSE to interact or not to interact if he needs a break. He does better with more kids if there is a very specific controlled environment (like his martial arts class which has upwards of 30 kids sometimes). I also give him lots of calming time (like hot soaks in the bathtub, one-on-one reading time with Mom on the couch, etc...) (Also...if you are into alternative things, I've had great luck with vibrational remedies (flower essences) with my son.)

For the purchasing thing we had a similar type of irrational behavior. Then I realized we had absolutely now rules, boudaries or guidelines around it. So after DH and I talked about it we presented him with very specific rules for buying things:

1. He can earn an allowance ($3) every week by keeping up on specific jobs/activities around the house (cleaning up dishes, getting clothes on when asked, taking regular baths, making the bed in the morning, putting dirty clothes away, etc..)

2. He can earn more money at any given time by doing additional jobs. These range from simple things like dusting window sills for 50 cents to helping Dad lay gravel/rock around our new house for $8/hour (this was heavy work).

3. He can earn money by trading in/giving away old toys (we really needed to encourage him to LET GO of things he really didn't play with anymore)

4. When we get to the store and he sees something he wants he can do several things:

a. if he has enough money he can buy it

b. if he doesn't have enough money he can put it on his wish list for when he does have enough money and then earn money by above methods. Or he can put it on a holiday wish list for Christmas and/or birthday. He's already got ideas for what he will be asking for at his birthday.

c. He can decide to let it go because he is saving money for something else.

d. If he freaked out instead of being calm and thoughtfull (as in a, b & c) then there were consequences usually involving loss of allowance or something like that.

This did WONDERS. It was AMAZING. Suddenly when we went to a store he had a tool he personally could use. It empowered him to think about spending and then how he could put out more energy to earn. Now he finds something he desires (like a Perplexus Maze Ball) and works to earn the money to buy it. Last weekend he did that heavy gravel laying job with Dad. And he doesn't FREAK OUT at the store anymore.

[schock77]

Didn't even have time to read all of the responses- just wanted to say my son would get like that too when he was in first grade (now he's in fourth) I really felt like I understood him better after reading The Explosive Child. The book also talks about kids who are explosively violent which wasn't the case for us, but the emotional regulation piece was very helpful so don't let that throw you off.