S/O Do you argue in front of your kids?

[aggiefamily]

I grew up only seeing the happy side of a marriage. I know my parents had disagreements but I never saw them or how they were handled. Kinda threw me for a loop the first time Billy and I had a disagreement. Billy grew up in a family where his mom goes out of her way to make sure there isn't any tension. So having me stand my ground on some issues was a shock to him.

We will argue and have debates in front of the boys. Of course the matter is appropriate and if not we go behind closed doors. Most of the time it is about politics or something social and not about us. We are not ugly to each other, do not yell and if we start to get hot headed we take it to another room or just stop.

On the other hand we also make sure to demonstrate affection (G rated of course!) in front of the boys. They see us kiss and hug and be playful with each other.

[Megan Turnidge]

I think it's important for kids to grow up seeing their parents work through disagreements. We'll argue some in front of the kids, but we would never get ugly or yell at each other/call names or anything like that. We don't usually do that even behind closed doors. Compromising and communication are important parts of making marriage work and children need to learn how to do it too - seeing it modeled in a healthy way by their parents. Very personal, more heated discussions? No, not in front of the kids.

[Davita]

We honestly do not argue much anyway and it never gets ugly. We have had disagreements in front of the kids but it is never major. My husband never saw his parents even argue and they were married 40+ years, until his dad passed away. My parents were divorced before I was three but I can still remember some of the horrible fights they had. My dd does not even like for us to disagree. If we debate over where to eat she thinks we are "fighting."

[Traci Reed]

We disagree in front of the kids sometimes but we normally don't disagree on much and when we fight sometimes it can get heated and we go behind closed doors. Luckily we don't fight too often normally.

[cardinalskate]

I've never really thought about my DD learning how to deal with conflicts from us...makes perfect sense. My DH and I just don't really fight, or even really have words. Sometimes we'll disagree on how to handle disciplining HER, but she just agrees with whomever has the lesser punishment LOL!

[carriesmom]

If it is something that is going to be involved or has potential to get heated, we wait until they go to sleep and hash it out. But day to day stuff, we disagree about in front of the kids but it's not full blown fighting so much as it is heated discussion. We are both in the legal field so arguing your point is kind of second nature. But we never get ugly in front of the kids.

[MamaBee]

I also grew up with parents that didn't argue in front of me... so it was a bit of a shock when they divorced when I was 24. Then hubby had the totally opposite... his family bicker ALL THE TIME... so now, DH and I don't argue a lot... we will have disagreements like all married couples, but we are both pretty even keel... so yes, we will argue in front of kiddo - if the language stays clean.

[MissKim]

My dh does not like to argue (and hates anything that disrupts his schedule) so he'll walk away rather than fight with me. However, we did have a huge whammy of a fight while on vacation last month and we were in a 2 bedroom condo, so our kids witnessed it. My kids are teens and they got tired of it, so they went swimming. Then dh got tired of it, so he went swimming, too. So I won, but I'm at the condo alone. It sucked.

My parents argued in front of me. Not knock down, drag out, but argued. I doubt my in-laws ever argued. My FIL is the law and she will do what he says. One time he told her she couldn't serve shredded cheese out of the bag, she needed to put it in a bowl. So she did. I would have told my dh he could get his own d*mn bowl if it was a big deal to him. That exchange sticks out in my mind as being indicative of their relationship. Now my mom... always the stronger one in the relationship, and so that's how I am.

[newfiemountiewife]

My parents didn't fight either, so imagine my surprise when I was 14 and my mom said she was leaving.

We don't fight often, Tony is not a talker. So what normally happened was, issues get pushed down until they exploded. It became an issue so a few years ago we talked about THAT and we don't do that as much any more. He is quiet, I am not, I wear my heart on my sleeve, he does not, so it was difficult at first. But we worked around it.

I think it's important for kids to know that their parents can argue and make up, or that you can disagree but still love each other. Life isn't all about everyone agreeing with each other, that's too boring and not realistic. I don't think they should be exposed to knock down, drag em out fights, but I think if you're married you probably shouldn't be having that kind

[lovely1m]

I don't remember my parents ever argueing so, I, too, was shocked when they divorced when I was 12. My ex & I seperated when our son was 3. So we did argue some in front of him.

[jacinda]

Nope. We don't argue at all in front of the kids. Or behind closed doors actually. We've been married 11 years, and we've never had a fight of any kind. We might disagree on something, but rarely, and then we just talk about it and accept that one of us is going to get their way, and get over it. LOL. We're a good match. We like to please each other, so very very rarely have a problem we can't calmly talk through.

[NeverendingJen]

disagree? yes. big argument? no. big arguments rarely happen though

[nanienamou]

Nope, we don't fight in front of the kids. We disagree sometimes and talk it out or debate (politics and such), but we don't fight. We rarely fight, anyway.

I'm a bit of an emo and DH is down to earth, so he listen to me talk about my feelings alot. We complete each other in that sense. But he has his pride and is strong-minded, so I know what buttons to avoid with him. I feel that we both put water in our wine because we don't want to live in a tension-filled house.

[emmasmommy]

Originally Posted by NeverendingJen

disagree? yes. big argument? no. big arguments rarely happen though

this

[clearskies]

...we try not too. However, we do snip at each other...a lot...especially when we're traveling or when DH is stressed...

I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard my parents argue. And although they're still together, I felt horribly unprepared for the reality of marriage...

[NatalieKW]

Originally Posted by jacinda

Nope. We don't argue at all in front of the kids. Or behind closed doors actually. We've been married 11 years, and we've never had a fight of any kind. We might disagree on something, but rarely, and then we just talk about it and accept that one of us is going to get their way, and get over it. LOL. We're a good match. We like to please each other, so very very rarely have a problem we can't calmly talk through.

^^^This is my husband and I, except we've only been married for 3 years.

[Buggie185]

I read a bit of research that stated that it is beneficial for children to witness their parents arguing IF they can see them work out their issues and come back together and reconnect. Parents that start arguing, notice the kids are around and finish their debate behind closed doors- where the resolution also happens- is difficult for kids. So therefore we fight in front of our kids, and do (most of) our making up in front of them too lol.

[aggiefamily]

This is interesting!

We haven't had a huge argument in a long long time. Probably not since my first was born.
I do make an effort to apologize to my husband in front of my kids. But that doesn't have to happen very often.

[LeeAndra]

Yes, we do bicker in front of the kids. DH has impulse control issues/ADHD, so it is often him instinctively reacting to a situation where he feels out of control, cornered, or stressed without thinking abt how what he's saying will come across to others (me) or that it is contradicting something he has said/we have agreed on previously. This is happening more often this year as he is working third shift and going back to school without enough sleep to get him through either activity.

If it is something important, I will try to rephrase it in such a way that his feathers are deuffled or he understands what is really happening or being said. If it is not, I will let it go and discuss it later with him. He and SS talk so much and so frequently that I might be the only person who even caught what was said or remembers it 5 minutes later.

If it is something disrespectful or mean-ish, I will use the 'making a point to teach a lesson' voice so that DH hears this particular tone (he is not sensitive to actual words, but very sensitive to tone) and knows I mean business. He is good abt refocusing and apologizing publically once he hears this tone and recognizes it.

[scrapperjade]

Originally Posted by jacinda

Nope. We don't argue at all in front of the kids. Or behind closed doors actually. We've been married 11 years, and we've never had a fight of any kind. We might disagree on something, but rarely, and then we just talk about it and accept that one of us is going to get their way, and get over it. LOL. We're a good match. We like to please each other, so very very rarely have a problem we can't calmly talk through.

This is how it is with my DH. We've just celebrated our 7th anniversary this month, and honestly have never had a fight. We've disagreed on some things, but it's never gotten heated or ugly. We do discuss & debate in front of our girls, but it's always with respect to each other and each other's opinions. We were both raised in homes that were like that though (and I am so thankful!).

One of my friends was married 4 years ago, and after the first few months was struggling. She seperated from her husband about 6 months after she married him (although she did go back). There were a lot of issues, but I personally think the main one was that she didn't have a real view of marriage. She told me that she & her DH argued a lot, and she hated it because her parents never, ever, ever, not even once disagreed. Ever. I looked at her and told her that I guaranteed that they did, but they probably did it where she & her siblings wouldn't hear. Her parents are very happy together, it's a great thing to see, but I feel that by trying to shelter their kids from seeing their disagreements & differences of opinion was somewhat of a disservice in a way, you know? It's like she was set up for a huge shock when her marraige wasn't "perfect" like her parents supposedly was/is.

[4noisyboys]

well....hmmmm....

Yes, we argue at times. Yes, we fight. I can't remember if the boys saw it much when they were little, or if we kept it quiet till later when we had privacy.

You see, I'm always right, and it's really hard for someone like me to allow someone else to think they're right!

Actually, we are a lot like Jamie and her dh. My husband is quiet and you really never know where he stands on something until he is pushed too far and then he blows. We've had a few doosies in our marriage. I on the other hand am an open book. There are no secrets with me.

We've been married almost 30 years. I think we did ok!

[DawnMarch]

My DH and I have been together for over 20 years and we've only had a handful of heated arguments. I can only remember one in front of the kids, although we've certainly had more "cranky" kind of disagreements from time to time. My daughter is a total peace-maker, and it upsets her when people argue, but we try to explain that it's normal for people to disagree sometimes and that we actually argue infrequently compared to a lot of families!

[TheHybridMess]

uhm we rarely disagree on domestic life. We do have minor ones where I go quiet and everything is FINE and lots of noise from the kitchen. But when we do if DD's around then she sees it.

As for debating well thats another story. DH and I, actually have fundametally different views and opinions (think Nora and William Walker) so we tend debate many issues. These can get heated but never personal. And as Nikita's got older she enjoys them too. We now actually give examples when we debate because she wants to know what we mean and give her opinion too.

[MandaT]

Originally Posted by NeverendingJen

disagree? yes. big argument? no. big arguments rarely happen though

pretty much this...

[joelsgirl]

omgosh, you people kill me. We argue pretty much ever day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And we are ugly to each other in front of the kids, mostly HIM, but if he starts in on me, I have a REALLY hard time not biting back just as hard. Or I say, "Not in front of the kids," which pisses him off even more and makes him livid. But seriously, have a little self control to wait until we are alone to berate me if it bothers you so much. {bleck}

I can't believe I'm the only one who argues in front of my kids. I wish I didn't, but I'm going to lylas if you say you do too. : )

[emmasmommy]

we honestly disagree, but i can count the times we've had an actual fight on one hand. i'm a talker, i know you're surprised, and if i have a problem, we talk about it. i think fights come from keeping in aggression, but that's just my opinion. my children know we disagree, and we do resolve issues in front of them, but we also have agreed to never undermine the other in front of them....
people fight, i know that, i grew up in a family where my parents fought almost constantly, but we don't.

[nanienamou]

I think I was brainwashed by Dr. Phil, he kept repeating in almost every show that parents should not fight in front of children. lol!

[scrapweaver]

We have argued in front of the kids - I am ashamed to say that my kids have witnessed some real doozies . . we have been together for just over 11 years and our arguments have got less frequent the longer we have been together. Three out of my four kids have Aspergers so that had an impact on how we argue/communicate with eachother. Whenever the kids have seen us argue, we usually have a talk with them explaining what happened and seeing if they need to say/ask something. Usually works out ok

[jessica31876]

In our house you can hear pretty much everything that is being said. So when my husband and I argue the kids heard it. Weve been together 20 years now and for the last three years my husband has been disabled and we have been together 24/7 for those three years. I bet we have had not more then a dozen arguments in that time. We just do not really fight that much. Besides even when we do fight its mostly me. He does not argue with me. Out of those three years I think maybe three or four were mutual arguments and the other ones were because I was worried about my husband. So while yes we do argue basically in front of the kids its not like hurtful arguments and even the ones we do have are pretty rare

[MommaTrish]

John and I were both raised that you don't argue or fight in front of the kids. (Which is kind of funny since he was raised by his grandparents who were in their 60s when they got him when he was a baby, and I was raised by my mom and step-dad who are both rather young) So we don't fight in front of them. We may let the other know we're unhappy about something, but we don't discuss it in front of them. We definitely don't fight in front of them.

[Gemma]

We've only had 1 'big' argument in front of the kids, other times it's just the odd disagreement, like when he thinks he's right and I know he's not lol!

[Lukasmummy]

Originally Posted by joelsgirl

omgosh, you people kill me. We argue pretty much ever day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And we are ugly to each other in front of the kids, mostly HIM, but if he starts in on me, I have a REALLY hard time not biting back just as hard. Or I say, "Not in front of the kids," which pisses him off even more and makes him livid. But seriously, have a little self control to wait until we are alone to berate me if it bothers you so much. {bleck}

I can't believe I'm the only one who argues in front of my kids. I wish I didn't, but I'm going to lylas if you say you do too. : )

We fight like cat and dog, we scream, we shout, occasionally I even throw things at him, I used to be a fairly balanced person even with the depression with a slow burning temper now it's more like rapid ignition and huge explosion. I think it's amazing that some of you can work out your differences without being awful to each other but that's just not going to happen in this house. There is no such thing as behind closed doors here, at least one of the kids is always around. Who knows one day he might wake up and decide to suddenly stop doing all of the things we argue about or I will wake up and not be such a but it's not very likely. Sometimes it's easy to wonder why we are even together but the truth is very simple we love each other and both of us need each other, we drive each other insane but we just can't be apart, our relationship has always been volatile and probably always will be. I guess the best I can hope for is that they remember seeing all the good stuff like the hugs, kisses and um adult stuff they walk in on as well as the bad side to both mummy and daddy.

[ColleenSwerb]

I think this is something that Jordan and I will really have to work on once we have kids. Jordan is his father's clone and there is no middle ground with them. His temper goes from 0 to 60 in 0.5 seconds. And since he's always right, you're always wrong, and he's VERY quick point that out.

I don't mind arguing or disagreements or fighting. I actually really like that we can argue and get it out, and come back together afterwards and it's ok. All of my previous relationships were the total opposite because I bit my tongue and held everything in (and that was awful awful awful). My biggest issue with Jordan's fighting is his name calling. If I start to disagree with him, he immediately goes to name calling and putting me down. When he does that I shut down, which only makes him even more angry. Every time it happens, when it's over, I tell him again that he has no right to call me names like that and he apologizes. We're working on it, lol.

I just really don't want the name calling to happen in front of the kids. I don't think it's right or fair or appropriate. We're adults, we can use our words and have a disagreement without resorting to that. Or at least we should be able to anyway, lol.

My parents disagreed in front of us, but never the big ones. Those happened between closed doors. But they often made up in the kitchen (random memory) so we knew things were ok.

[Stacey42]

We have disagreements in front of the kids & get a little tense but we don't argue much in general & the last big fight we had was in 1998 when DH was traveling all the time for work & I was done with it. But we didn't have kids then.

We have most of our disagreements over email or text & in person we are both passive aggressive people so instead of arguing we do things to annoy one another until we get a reaction.

My parents bickered all the time, especially in the car, but I only remember one big argument my whole childhood.

[ZaCola3]

I'm with Kellie-We do argue in front of the kids...but we don't argue often...which I guess is good.
As far as the kids learning you can argue and reconnect...I'm not sure I buy that they need to see us arguing to learn that...don't they learn that lesson when we argue with them? I argue with my kids way more than I argue with my husband.
I agree that not arguing in front of them might make them have false illusions of a marriage...but thankfully my husband and I have a marriage unlike both of our parents...it's ours so it doesn't follow any set blueprint...except for the one we have drawn up.
I can't remember the last "big argument" we had but I know I do things daily that rub him the wrong way and the same for him...silly little things that end quickly with a curt look or a snide comment...since it goes both ways.

[Megan Turnidge]

I wanted to add that our fighting is more like minor disagreements. We only really have a big disagreement like 2x a year. We don't yell or name call or belittle one another. Those are dirty fighting tactics and we try not to use them in our home.

And re: Dr. Phil, I'm willing to bet he's talking about real, bad fights... not smaller issues that are dealt with quickly and without anger.

[kendallt]

Okay, I'm gonna be really honest here. Yes, DH and I argue in front our our daughter. We both realize we shouldn't and feel guilty and awful about it afterward, but he and I are sooo much alike that it's impossible for us not to clash about certain things. He thinks he's always right...period. (I HATE being wrong but can at least admit it when I am!). Most of our fights stem from the fact that we're both stubborn and sometimes don't want to see the other person's point of view.

I grew up in a house where my parents frequently had disagreements in front of my sister and me. Sometimes these disagreements were really rough. My mom never stood up for herself though, and I think that's why I am such a "not gonna take crap off anyone" kind of person. I really have to work to find a good balance between standing up for myself and also being willing to compromise and attempt to see DH's side of things. It's not easy, but it's a constant work in progress.

We are always careful to stress to our DD that although Mommy and Daddy don't always agree with one another, that doesn't mean we don't love each other. Some days I feel like the worst mom in the world, but I do my best, and I love my daughter more than anything, so all I can do is keep trying to be a better person, ya know?

[aggiefamily]

Originally Posted by joelsgirl

omgosh, you people kill me. We argue pretty much ever day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And we are ugly to each other in front of the kids, mostly HIM, but if he starts in on me, I have a REALLY hard time not biting back just as hard. Or I say, "Not in front of the kids," which pisses him off even more and makes him livid. But seriously, have a little self control to wait until we are alone to berate me if it bothers you so much. {bleck}

I can't believe I'm the only one who argues in front of my kids. I wish I didn't, but I'm going to lylas if you say you do too. : )

Don't get me wrong! We do argue in front of our kids and also apologize and solve it in front of them. But the big discussions/fights/whatever you call them happen alone. There are just some issues they don't need to know about or hear about yet.

Now the "you didn't take the trash out again" bickering happens all the time. I fuss at my husband just as much as I fuss at the boys. And in the same voice. LOL!