NSBR: Expecting Too Much Re: Friendships?

[LeeAndra]

A close friend of mine, who lives a couple states away, and I have been trying to get together for the last several months. When I contacted her last August abt what her plans were in November & December, she told me that she was already booked straight through, so we agreed to get together Oct 29th and 30th at her place. After 3 or 4 weeks in which I got DH's sched cleared, someone to watch the dog, etc etc., she let me know that she hadn't realized that was Halloween weekend (?!) and that the weekend didn't work for her anymore. [She had a couple Halloween parties to attend at other friends' houses that were adults only, so she would have had to miss them if we came down with DD.]

I called her on New Year's Day and made it a point to ask if she + her BF wanted to get together sometime over the week of the Fourth of July. I realize that it's a 7 month lead time, but since her calendar was already filled up in August for November & December, I figured the extra time would be sure to get me on the calendar. Last summer, I was not able to see her because she spent 2 weeks in the Southwest visiting family, 2 1/2 weeks in Paris, a couple long weekend work trips to other cities in the U.S., and lots of time on the road driving to see her BF who lives 3 hours from her.

She said she would get back to me on whether there was any possibility we could get together.... and she emailed me today to tell me that she couldn't commit to anything yet this summer, but wanted to 'revisit the issue' in April or May. She said it had to do with her BF's graduation in May since he'll be moving to her town after that. Under different circumstances, I would chalk this up to drifting apart or some other cliche like that, but this same friend sends us presents for Christmas and our birthdays, regularly emails with me, keeps track of my FB page and when I post new pictures or sb pages, etc.

Last week, she texted me to ask if she & her friend could come up and crash with us if her friend's team made it to the Super Bowl. I told her yes, and then she texted the next day to say her BF would want to come, too. I told her yes, and then she texted the NEXT day to say that her roommate would want to come, too. At that point, it was 4 extra adults in our small duplex, so I said that would be all the adults that would fit comfortably in addition to DH, DD, the dog, and me. We discussed going downtown, eating out vs. staying in to cook, and celebrating my bday while we waited on the playoffs to finish up. That team lost, and while I told her that she could still come to hang out for the weekend (obviously, the Super Bowl is still going on here, favorite team or not), she said that they were not going to come.

I feel pretty dispensable to her at the moment. It's okay to make and break plans with me at will, but trying to make plans with her is impossible. It's too late, it's too soon, it's the wrong team... I just don't get it. She is very much a (self admitted) Type A personality who loves organizing things. I'm trying to be understanding, but I feel like I'm getting the runaround from her.

What is your take on this? Am I being ridiculous? Am I expecting too much from her? Is this not how close friendships work? Do regular people not plan weekend get togethers with their far away friends and family a few months in advance? Please advise.

[jacinda]

I dunno La, it sounds to me like it's all effort on your part and not hers at all. I'd let it go. Keep contact by facebook and email and such like you already do. Maybe that's all she wants now. Have you asked her straight what's going on? Put her on the spot? Maybe it's not worth it though. Friendships do move on, drift apart, etc - maybe that's what's happened here? Sorry, I'm not very good at the advice thing. Personally I would let it go and stop trying to get together.

[DawnMarch]

I don't think you are expecting too much and I'd be annoyed if she were my friend. You are being very accommodating in trying to work around her schedule. She sounds to me like one of those people who strings people along waiting for the best offer for any particular weekend -- which is rude. Like she's free to come to your place for the Super Bowl, but suddenly she has other plans if her team doesn't make it to the Super Bowl?

[Lyd]

Bleh. Hugs La. If it were me, I would probably ask her straight out. I would tell her how I'm feeling (keeping it as unemotional as possible) and see what she says. But, whether or not you can do that really depends on the kind of relationship you have with her. But, I agree with Jacinda, too. I'd probably let it drop for a while. If the friendship is really important to her, she'll reach out to you at some point.

[jessica31876]

I have had friends like that. I would keep up by email/facebook but stop asking about getting together. Let her plan it next time so you are not disappointed. I dont think it is to much but it sounds like she is more or less carefree (no kids?). You have a husband and your daughter and bills and all that comes from having a family and responsibilities so it is probably easier for her to make/break plans then you. That is just my take on it though. You could tell her it is bothering you. If she is a good friend she will understand.

[shastahun]

I think she's giving you the run around and you just need to stop asking to hang out. Maybe just keep in contact via Facebook and let her make the next move when she is ready? I can definitely see how it would be annoying. I had a "friend" when I moved out here to Delaware from AZ who was so excited to hang out and do all these things with me, and I haven't heard from her since on the hanging out front, even when I've initiated and asked if she would like to go out to lunch. At first I was hurt and wasn't sure what I did to receive the cold shoulder so abruptly, but I finally just learned to let it go and stop trying. When she wants to hang out, she can contact me.

[seatrout]

You deserve better than to be treated like that

Seems to me like it's time she did some of the running - and if she's not prepared to do that for you - then why should you do it for her.

Maybe she just doesn't realise what she's doing?

[xboxmom]

I think she is totally being the B word to you. If she was a true friend she would be jumping through hoops to come see you especially if she has no kids and responsibilities family wise. It's much easier for her to come to you being semi single and having no kids or pets to have concerns about. And using you to have a free place to stay if her Team is going to the super bowl and bringing her whole "crew" with her is just taking advantage of you. I mean if she had already planned to come visit for the super bowl but now her team didn't make it a true friend would still come out. Sorry you are having to deal with this. I would totally talk to her about it but knowing that if you do it might be the end of the whole friendship. And if it does end the friendship then you have your answer, she really wasn't a friend at all. Hugs and good luck!

[LeeAndra]

Thanks, guys, for the feedback.

She has a 'big' birthday coming this year which I wanted to help plan something for, but when I talked to her on NY's, she said her BF had already volunteered to do something. I finally got a hold of him on FB this morning, and he said his 'plan' is a trip for the two of them somewhere as a combo her bday + his graduation + his bday (in July). I haven't met him yet, but he's really starting to rub me the wrong way. I know that she will be disappointed to not have a party, but oh well, I guess.

Yeah, I will definitely have to just let the rope go here. Maybe after she gets married and has a kid or two, she will grow up some.

In the meantime, I'll try to plan something closer to home for us to do over FOJ. If anyone here who lives in IL/IN/MI/OH and has little kids is interested in renting a lake cabin over FOJ, let me know.