Vent

[ColleenSwerb]

I need to vent.
I'm just starting my cycle, so I'm super emo these last 3 days.
My in-laws decided to make a spur of the moment visit this weekend (which was totally fine). The problem is, as always, my BIL.

I can't deal with the amount of time he spends here. Example. He lives 35 minutes away, yet has slept here since friday and isn't going home until tomorrow night because he has off tomorrow.

I want to cry.

I mention to Jordan that I'm not ok with Joey staying here until tomorrow night, and he says "it's just one day". No, it's not, he's been here since freaking friday (which, I didn't know he was coming up immediately following work and almost had a meltdown when I got home from work and he was already here). The reason? They want to play a *()$*)(@#4^&*%$@ video game together. Again. That they played for several hours friday evening, and have been playing since like 2pm today.

::sigh:: I've been praying to God to teach me to have more patience. This is clearly a lesson. I realize that this probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it's just not freaking normal. Go. Home. I would never spend 3 nights here if I only lived 35 minutes away. It's absurd.

[hmlentz]

Wow. That is kind of crazy. I think I would tell my DH that he could say something or I would. One night max for annoying people. Seriously.

[CA Dreamer]

((((Colleen)))))... You work hard and you deserve to be able to come home to YOUR home and be able to relax. One night--with leaving early the next day is already an imposition(and rude, especially if not invited!!)... camping out for the whole weekend is just plain wrong.

[carriesmom]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I get on my DH all the time about last minute plans. Like getting a call as I'm coming up saying we are babysitting for his brother in like 15 minutes and my house is a wreck. I just think that some people aren't program with the capacity to understand that they are imposing and incovenient.

i was once really rude and basically ignored my sister in law when she come over to our house right at bath/bedtime with my girls. My parents were here and she call on her way over to say that she wanted to see our house because she had never seen it! Believe I had words with DH about it.

Sounds like Jordan is non-confrontational. You may have address directly with both him and BIL if it becomes a regular problem.

I am so sorry. Patience is sometimes such a difficult lesson to learn.

[mrshobbes]

It's downright rude, especially as you are both newlyweds. Your BIL needs to learn that he has to respect your space, no matter how close he and your hubs are. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this now. I hate last-minute plans myself and my MIL is the QUEEN of sudden get togethers, lunches, etc that has driven me up the wall.

When we were first married I freaked out because my MIL had a key to our condo that the hubs had given her. It took a while but I had him get it back. I don't want ANYONE except us having access to our home!

[Traci Reed]

It's totally rude and moochy..ugh.

one thing I learned though is that you can't come between them and if it doesn't bother hubby (which it SHOULD since it bothers you) then you just make yourself look like an ass if you point it out more than once to him. I've had many a fights like this with P and have just had to deal most of the time.

I totally think J should respect your wishes on this but if he's not gonna...what can you do? bleh.

[joelsgirl]

Well at least he HAS a home to go to these days! Sorry you still have to put up with his crap.

[WalkersMommy]

It would bother me too, for sure. And I feel ya on the excessive video games, sister. Lol (((hugs)))

[Gabbina]

Originally Posted by CA Dreamer

One night--with leaving early the next day is already an imposition(and rude, especially if not invited!!)... camping out for the whole weekend is just plain wrong.

This. Wrong.

[emmasmommy]

i'm with traci.

what *I* would do is act overly obnoxious to make him not want to stay as long and maybe he'd get the hint....but...i'm childish like that

[MissKim]

I'd be ticked, too. I don't like overnight visitors, let alone weekend visitors. However, Traci has a point... if you come between your dh and his brother, you'll be the bad one. Ignore him, don't make it easy for him, and suck it up.

[SweetMelissa]

Oh wow! If my BIL did that I would be like "Marc its waaayyy past time you leave". What he is doing is really rude and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

[adrianka]

I'd be as much pissed off as you are, Col.

I hope it settles in some way with time. *hugs*

Do you think it would help if one of your friends / family members stayed over the weekend and kept being obnoxious? And you'd give them more attention than you would to your DH? Silly, I know, but I'd be tempted at your place. ;-)

[sprauncey1]

Very rude, but not uncommon for BIL/DH's relationship right?

I would after BIL leaves and you can appear "rational" (because you are but I'm sure DH knows you are emo right now and would blame that) you and DH need to sit down and set some boundaries.

Tell him you don't mind a guy weekend, IF it is set up ahead of time.
Tell him you don't mind drop in guests sometimes, IF they are gone by such and such a time.
Tell him that it would make BOTH your lives better in the end and help with your relationship with his family.

And lastly...big hugs! Hoping he goes home/gone home already!

[ColleenSwerb]

Being obnoxious doesn't work. It didn't work when he lived with us for 2 years (8 months of which were post-wedding, awesome), and it certainly won't work now.

I totally understand that I can't get between DH and BIL, which is why I suck it up 90% of the time and don't even mention it to Jordan. New Year's weekend he did the same thing. We had a half day thursday and off on friday. He was there thursday afternoon and didn't leave until LATE sunday night.

I don't feel like I can tell BIL to leave, I don't feel like I can yell at him to get my frustrations out. It's the same feelings I had from when he lived with us. Stuck between a rock and a miserable hard place, with no options.

I'm going to attempt to talk to DH about it again. I don't mind if BIL wants to come up on the weekend, but I need some time for him to not be there too. I can deal with it if he comes up on friday and then leaves around 12 on sunday. Or if he comes up on saturday and I can have friday night. It's just the being there ALL WEEKEND that I can't take. It's like I get no weekend at all.

Kellie, I do keep trying to remind myself of that. It wasn't that long ago that he was here and living with us and I am trying to be grateful that he's NOT living with us anymore.

Traci, I think that's the part that bothers me the most. That Jordan KNOWS it bothers me, and just doesn't seem to care enough to change. That's what hurts.

[scrap2day]

I'm sorry for you Col.

[nietis]

*HUGS* That's pure annoying!!! This makes me grateful that DH is the only son, but now I understand fully how DH was ticked my my brother stayed with us too long.

Hope you get it sorted soon. Yeah, sometimes men don't think it's hurtful to do such and such

[heathergw]

Originally Posted by ColleenSwerb

Traci, I think that's the part that bothers me the most. That Jordan KNOWS it bothers me, and just doesn't seem to care enough to change. That's what hurts.

I'm so sorry Col, I can only imagine how hurt you are.

[lilmommy319]

I agree with you! I'm so glad my in-laws live an hour and a half away... especially my SIL. My husband likes to do the whole video game thing too but it back fired on him when he noticed he didn't like how much time our boys wanted to spend on video games and electronics. I made sure we had a talk ... and now the video gaming thing only goes on for an hour or so at night after the kids have gone to bed. Praise God.

I hope it gets better for you.

[Keely~B]

Setting boundaries doesn't have to translate into "coming between" brothers. Their relationship is important, so is your marriage. If your DH is smart he'd realize it would be a lot better for him if you and BIL weren't at odds. I don't think you should be passive-aggressive or just suck it up. Those behaviors don't solve anything, they just breed resentment. The fact is that you're not feeling respected or supported and that is a problem. It might be in regards to BIL right now but these things have a way of bleeding into other areas of life/relationships. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your honey, be calm and straight-up about the stress, resentment and hurt you feel. I really don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. IMHO, these are things that if addressed and worked out early in marriage make the long road a lot less bumpy. Hugs to you Col.

[Leah]

Sit down with them and start talking about your period, like it gross detail. That oughta work?

I'd be telling him to go home to his own house. Times up. Period.

I'm sorry Colleen - there's only so many days on the weekend and I'd be upset too. {{hugs}}

[mummytothree]

Originally Posted by Keely~B

Setting boundaries doesn't have to translate into "coming between" brothers. Their relationship is important, so is your marriage. If your DH is smart he'd realize it would be a lot better for him if you and BIL weren't at odds. I don't think you should be passive-aggressive or just suck it up. Those behaviors don't solve anything, they just breed resentment. The fact is that you're not feeling respected or supported and that is a problem. It might be in regards to BIL right now but these things have a way of bleeding into other areas of life/relationships. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your honey, be calm and straight-up about the stress, resentment and hurt you feel. I really don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. IMHO, these are things that if addressed and worked out early in marriage make the long road a lot less bumpy. Hugs to you Col.

Ditto...I was gonna post something along the lines of why can't you come between them...but Keely put it way more eloquently then I could!!

Col I'm so sorry you still deal with this, it has to be draining!!! I really really hope you can find a solution that works for you and for your hubby!!!

[Stacey42]

Yeah, it's not like you are saying you never want BIL over, you just want some ground rules - like at least 24 hours advanced notice & a 36 hour visit length. None of that is in the least unreasonable.

Or, when he shows up unannounced you will take Jordon's credit card and check into a spa for the duration so you can relax away the tension.

[Nettio]

Originally Posted by Keely~B

Setting boundaries doesn't have to translate into "coming between" brothers. Their relationship is important, so is your marriage. If your DH is smart he'd realize it would be a lot better for him if you and BIL weren't at odds. I don't think you should be passive-aggressive or just suck it up. Those behaviors don't solve anything, they just breed resentment. The fact is that you're not feeling respected or supported and that is a problem. It might be in regards to BIL right now but these things have a way of bleeding into other areas of life/relationships. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your honey, be calm and straight-up about the stress, resentment and hurt you feel. I really don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. IMHO, these are things that if addressed and worked out early in marriage make the long road a lot less bumpy. Hugs to you Col.

I 110% agree with Keely here. I don't think your BIL is really the issue here. I think the real issue is that Jordon simply isn't being respectful of your feelings. I noticed the same theme in the Dave Ramsey thread the other day too. It's kind of his way or the highway which isn't how it should be. You shouldn't have to be the one always compromising. Your feelings matter too.

[MichaelsMomJo]

Wow... you have every right to be bothered by it, and I think your husband needs to understand that this is an intrusion into your life. It is one thing for a relative who lives far away to come spend a week with you. It is another thing entirely for a relative who lives 35 mins. away to decide he's going to camp out at your house for 5 days so that he can play video games. Sounds like somebody likes eating your food rather than paying for his own. Really, there's no reason that he and your husband can't play their game, then your BIL get back in his car and go home.

I agree with Keely and others in that letting your husband and BIL know how you feel is not coming between them. You have a right to not feel like an outsider/maid/hostess in your own home. You have a right to be comfortable and have a place where you can unwind. Limiting the amount of time that your BIL is there creates a more healthy home environment for you and your husband.

[ColleenSwerb]

Originally Posted by Keely~B

Setting boundaries doesn't have to translate into "coming between" brothers. Their relationship is important, so is your marriage. If your DH is smart he'd realize it would be a lot better for him if you and BIL weren't at odds. I don't think you should be passive-aggressive or just suck it up. Those behaviors don't solve anything, they just breed resentment. The fact is that you're not feeling respected or supported and that is a problem. It might be in regards to BIL right now but these things have a way of bleeding into other areas of life/relationships. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your honey, be calm and straight-up about the stress, resentment and hurt you feel. I really don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. IMHO, these are things that if addressed and worked out early in marriage make the long road a lot less bumpy. Hugs to you Col.

Originally Posted by Nettio

I 110% agree with Keely here. I don't think your BIL is really the issue here. I think the real issue is that Jordon simply isn't being respectful of your feelings. I noticed the same theme in the Dave Ramsey thread the other day too. It's kind of his way or the highway which isn't how it should be. You shouldn't have to be the one always compromising. Your feelings matter too.

You're both right. And you're right in the other thread too Lynnette. And I've expressed to him before that I don't appreciate the way my feelings/wants/needs are brushed aside/ignored. It was the same way when I spent months begging him to get Joey to move out. It didn't matter how upset it made me, HE needed to reach that point in his own time, and it was never going to happen before then. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from, or why I'm frustrated, or why I feel the way I do, and it's easier for him to ignore it than try to compromise. Which obviously doesn't work for me, because I feel like I'm the only one compromising anything.

Like I said, if Joey wants to come play video games, fine. It just can't be for the ENTIRE weekend, every time. And I know that this isn't an unreasonable request, which is why I get so frustrated and upset when it just gets ignored, or I'm treated like I'm being ridiculous.

We talk, he's better about things for a while, and then he reverts back to his old ways and we start over again. It is something I working on with him, whether he realizes it or not.

I will be going home to BIL in the house tonight. I'll probably just go to our bedroom and shut the door and study. Tomorrow, Jordan is working a half day and then heading out to his parents to go skiing with a friend. He's coming back wednesday night, so by then I should have calmed down enough to have a reasonable discussion about it all. If not, we're driving to NY on thursday night so I can corner him in the car to talk about it. It will be a fight, but I know it needs to happen.

[deepounds]

So sorry you've got this mess on your hands, but Keely is One Million Percent right with everything she said! And as someone who has been married longer than most of you have been alive, let me add that almost all men I've known (either family or friends) are majorly non-confrontational - especially when it comes to situations like this. Doesn't make them bad - it's just the way most of them are! The average man will just go with the status quo & let things get out of hand unless you MAKE him deal with a problem. (Don't ever, by the way, expect men to "just know" what's bothering you . . . their minds aren't nearly that complex!) Anyway, when you do talk with him it's imperative that you address it in as calm and rational a manner as possible - not when you're angry or have your feelings hurt. If you don't take the emotion out of it, he'll simply attribute it to "raging hormones" or just plain bitchiness, and nothing will ever change.

All in all, you have a really big problem to solve, but I'm sure you'll get it all worked out . . . will keep my fingers crossed for you!