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Old 03-31-2022, 12:27 AM
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Default What is one thing you would change...

About yourself. And I am not talking anything physical like weight, height, hair color, etc. I am talking about some trait that you possess that hinders you in some way.

For example, with the wisdom of age, I know the one thing that I would have changed about myself is my inability to let things go. I am not one for holding grudges or things like that, but I am someone who holds on to ideas, dreams and people way beyond when I should.

The biggest example of this is my husband. On Saturday it will be 31 years since he died and it has only been in the last 5 to 10 years that I have let him and the hurt of losing him go.

I not only held on to it way too long, but I realize now that I nursed it, because I thought it proved how much I loved him. Why I felt I needed to prove that is a long, drawn out story, but in the end it was just an excuse not to trust my own judgement and risk my heart again. By holding on to that, I didn't make room for something or someone else and while I am happy with my life, I know that I might have had something more if I had just let things go sooner.

When they say the only thing stopping you from doing the things you want to do is you, they were definitely talking about me. It is sad that I didn't see it at the time, but when you are trying to hold on to something that is long gone, you can't see anything else. I know it now and I try not let myself dwell on things, look back too much and not take chances. I am not always successful, because that trait is strong in me, but at least I finally recognize it. It only took me 55 years.
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Old 03-31-2022, 02:03 AM
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I over think things and it causes me anxiety. My mind can fixate on something and not let it go until I make myself, and those around me, absolutely crazeeeeee

I lost, what I considered a very dear, long term friendship, a few years ago. I have no idea why and know I will never get an answer from that person as she holds everything very close to her chest. I just felt the push from her and over time she pushed me and my family so far away that we have nothing to do with each other anymore (our daughters, thankfully, are still besties).

It took me three years to get over the loss of that friendship and I now know that it was my my own doing that kept me from letting go and moving on. I kept trying to work out what I had done that was so wrong she couldn't talk to me, tell me so I could try and fix it. Thankfully, finally, I managed to get our friendship out of my head and now, when I do happen to think of it, I manage to push her right out of my head again.

So, if here was one thing I wish I could change, it would be overthinking things, big time.

As for your loss Lorie... it was such a shock that you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt, don't beat yourself up about it. Dealing with that kind of trauma can finish one off and it did not finish you so you have that. And you are never too old to find someone new who can bring you joy

Big hugs my friend xx
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Old 03-31-2022, 05:57 AM
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So many things I would change.

The two traits you two ladies mentioned are some of mine that I would change too.
I hang onto things, I hold grudges for sooo long, if I feel disrespected you will be out of my life forever and I will think about it often, and avoid situations where I might see you again. I am not confident in myself and have a hard time meeting new people because I’m always second guessing what they might think of me. I also can’t deal with confrontation because I shut down and always “lose” the battle.
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Old 03-31-2022, 06:09 PM
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I wish someone would find a way to let change the things you don’t like about yourself without having to do the hard work of changing!

I wish I wasn’t so lazy. It takes so much momentum for me to get started on something…and to keep doing it…and to finish it! I always gravitate toward the computer or the phone or the puzzle. I always thought my problems with the computer, but Joel and I are sharing a computer right now, and I just find other things to replace my time on the computer with. Though I will say I’m much more likely to get up and do something productive when getting on the computer isn’t an option. It’s really ironic, because I highly value being productive and judge myself for how productive I am, and yet, I am truly lazy.
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Old 03-31-2022, 07:20 PM
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So many things I would change.

The two traits you two ladies mentioned are some of mine that I would change too.
I hang onto things, I hold grudges for sooo long, if I feel disrespected you will be out of my life forever and I will think about it often, and avoid situations where I might see you again. I am not confident in myself and have a hard time meeting new people because I’m always second guessing what they might think of me. I also can’t deal with confrontation because I shut down and always “lose” the battle.
I was going to answer this question but ^this pretty much sums it up.
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Old 03-31-2022, 07:25 PM
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I wish I could let myself get to close to people - but I keep everyone at arms length because I've had a lot of rejection in my past. Another thing I would love to change is being able to stand up for myself - but I'm an avoider of conflict and I have a fear of authority. I'm fearful of letting people down.. and getting in trouble. Oh - and another... I wish I could let physical things go - I'm way too sentimental.
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by JoCee View Post
I over think things and it causes me anxiety. My mind can fixate on something and not let it go until I make myself, and those around me, absolutely crazeeeeee

I lost, what I considered a very dear, long term friendship, a few years ago. I have no idea why and know I will never get an answer from that person as she holds everything very close to her chest. I just felt the push from her and over time she pushed me and my family so far away that we have nothing to do with each other anymore (our daughters, thankfully, are still besties).

It took me three years to get over the loss of that friendship and I now know that it was my my own doing that kept me from letting go and moving on. I kept trying to work out what I had done that was so wrong she couldn't talk to me, tell me so I could try and fix it. Thankfully, finally, I managed to get our friendship out of my head and now, when I do happen to think of it, I manage to push her right out of my head again.

So, if here was one thing I wish I could change, it would be overthinking things, big time.

As for your loss Lorie... it was such a shock that you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt, don't beat yourself up about it. Dealing with that kind of trauma can finish one off and it did not finish you so you have that. And you are never too old to find someone new who can bring you joy

Big hugs my friend xx
I am the same way, so I completely understand how overthinking things is a vicious circle. I think, like me, you have a need to understand things and will keep trying to work it out in your head to get a real answer. It's not a bad thing until you get to something that there is no good answer for. It's then that it hinders you and, at least for me, it keeps me from moving on.

Jo, it's no wonder we are friends because we can totally relate to each other's "crazy."
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:23 PM
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So many things I would change.

The two traits you two ladies mentioned are some of mine that I would change too.
I hang onto things, I hold grudges for sooo long, if I feel disrespected you will be out of my life forever and I will think about it often, and avoid situations where I might see you again. I am not confident in myself and have a hard time meeting new people because I’m always second guessing what they might think of me. I also can’t deal with confrontation because I shut down and always “lose” the battle.
Leah, my son does the same thing when he feels a person has betrayed him. To his credit, he gives second and third chances, but he is totally a "three strikes and you're out" person. I always tell him that forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself, because carrying a grudge only burdens you. The other person doesn't feel that weight like you do nor do they think about how to avoid you. If someone does me wrong, if I care about them, I get in their face and tell them about it, then let it go. If I don't care about them, then I just let it go because they don't matter enough to bother with. But I do have a hot temper, so when I say I let it go, it's after I totally rant about it for a while. LOL

I am not good with new people either. Heck, I am not good with people IRL at all. I've been told I am like a prickly pear, hard to get close to but sweet inside. I don't know about the sweet part, but I am definitely prickly. Making friends has always been hard for me.

One good thing about age is the older you get the less you care about what people think of you, so you may not have the problem years from now.

Confrontation is hard for most people, I myself do not care for it at all and will avoid it if I can. If I can't, I will stand up for myself because no one has the right to "push" me around or silence my voice. Seriously, my mouth has a mind of it's own. I get that from my mom. She was very much an independent, opinionated woman who was not afraid to stand her ground.
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:30 PM
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I wish someone would find a way to let change the things you don’t like about yourself without having to do the hard work of changing!

I wish I wasn’t so lazy. It takes so much momentum for me to get started on something…and to keep doing it…and to finish it! I always gravitate toward the computer or the phone or the puzzle. I always thought my problems with the computer, but Joel and I are sharing a computer right now, and I just find other things to replace my time on the computer with. Though I will say I’m much more likely to get up and do something productive when getting on the computer isn’t an option. It’s really ironic, because I highly value being productive and judge myself for how productive I am, and yet, I am truly lazy.
Okay Kellie, I am not Dr. Oz, but what you describe sounds like it might not be laziness, but a mild depression. It is hard to be motivated and productive when you are clinically depressed. I suffer from anxiety myself, but it works the opposite on me. I am highly motivated, have to do everything at a dead run so I get it done and can't sleep because I am thinking about all the things I need to do.

Frankly, I think you may be judging yourself too harshly because we all tend to judge ourselves too harshly. Someone once told me we treat ourselves like our worst enemy instead of our best friend and I think there is a lot of truth in that.

But again, I am no doctor so I could be talking out my butt. I told you all, that mouth of mine has a mind of it's own and often gets my fingers involved in it's mischief.
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:32 PM
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I was going to answer this question but ^this pretty much sums it up.
I am so good at the comeback in a debate or argument, people pick on me just to hear what I am going to say. LOL
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:35 PM
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I'm very good a tuning out the world... anything I don't want to see or do or deal with in the moment, I just block it out and do something else (usually on my computer.) It was handy when I had little ones that listened to annoying shows and things like that, but at this point in my life it just stops me from getting things accomplished that need to be done. I can put anything off indefinitely because I just don't think about it. As soon as I let myself "see" it then I have to deal with it, because it'll drive me insane. I don't know if that makes any sense... but I wish I didn't do that.
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:38 PM
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I wish I could let myself get to close to people - but I keep everyone at arms length because I've had a lot of rejection in my past. Another thing I would love to change is being able to stand up for myself - but I'm an avoider of conflict and I have a fear of authority. I'm fearful of letting people down.. and getting in trouble. Oh - and another... I wish I could let physical things go - I'm way too sentimental.
Ah, another prickly pear. Rejection leaves it's mark for sure because it sucks. Mankind has been building walls for defense since the dawn of time, so building emotional ones is quite natural. It would be nice if we could all be open and trusting, but you learn things from your life experience and it is hard to unlearn them. I think all your other fears stem from the first one. You don't want to make people mad, get in trouble , etc. because you don't want to be rejected for being "bad."

As to being sentimental, I will cry at a commerical, but I will toss out stuff in a heart beat. I think it is because I carry the important things in my heart and mind, you know those memories we all scrap about, that I don't need to keep the physical things. Plus, I hate clutter. LOL
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:41 PM
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I'm very good a tuning out the world... anything I don't want to see or do or deal with in the moment, I just block it out and do something else (usually on my computer.) It was handy when I had little ones that listened to annoying shows and things like that, but at this point in my life it just stops me from getting things accomplished that need to be done. I can put anything off indefinitely because I just don't think about it. As soon as I let myself "see" it then I have to deal with it, because it'll drive me insane. I don't know if that makes any sense... but I wish I didn't do that.
It makes total sense. My son says I live in my own world, because I am so good at blocking things out and he is not wrong. But like I tell him, it's okay, I know and trust everyone in my own world and the voices in my head are friendly. LOL

You, my friend are a procrastinator, just like so many of us.
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Old 03-31-2022, 08:44 PM
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Please know if I sound all "doctorish" and bossy in my replies, I am not trying to be that, I just want you all to know that I can relate to what you are saying and am tying to be supportive and understanding with my words.

Having said that, I would like to point out that statement shows I am overthinking things again, worrying about making people mad and wanting to avoid any possible confrontation.
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Old 03-31-2022, 10:10 PM
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You, my friend are a procrastinator, just like so many of us.
Absolutely!!! I can procrastinate with the best of them, but when I'm ready I want it done RIGHT NOW. And you better want that too!
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Old 03-31-2022, 10:25 PM
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I wish I was less irritable and that my default was to see the good in every situation.
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Old 03-31-2022, 11:45 PM
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I've got two. First, I'm too serious. I think I'd have better friends and be happier overall if I were more playful or took life less seriously, but that just isn't who I am. Second, I'm very introverted. Between my immediate family and being a teacher, I feel "all people'd out" by the end of the day. In the abstract I wish I had friends, but I have no emotional energy left to put into those relationships and haven't for 15 or so years. I know I'm going to regret it later (when my teens leave home and I realize I didn't make enough of a life for myself separate from motherhood), but I can't make myself put in the effort.
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Old 04-04-2022, 12:19 PM
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My shyness. I am 1000x better than I used to be, but going to do things with groups of people is still an issue. I tend to stop talking completely and will just sit there in silence. I will now go to do things in groups, but I have to literally force myself to go. For instance, last week some work friends were having a supper night out. I agreed to go, but my husband could not go with me. So I sat outside the restaurant for 10 minutes prepping myself and mostly only spoke up when spoken to. Friends know and understand this about me, but I do still hate it.
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Old 04-04-2022, 01:13 PM
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Being insecure/judging others and feeling judged (even if they are not) by others is probably one of my largest stumbling blocks.

It's not lost on me (ha!) that I weigh the most I've ever weighed in my life at the same time that I own my own home, have a good steady job, have 2 good kids, and am in a loving healthy relationship so it's not as if not being thin/society's idea of "beautiful" has kept me from achieving my goals and experiencing peace/love/happiness but my heart needs extra practice believing that.

I'm currently dread-planning and anxiety-spiraling about my son's birthday party next month. He wants to have it here at the house which pokes at my insecurities about being a bad housekeeper (my house is never immaculate like my mom's always has been) + having to entertain a herd of children I've never met before (I don't like herds of children) + having to make small talk with these just-met children's just-met parents (introversion + being insecure about my looks/weight). Ugh.

My BF, who will be there, is also not super great at small talk or children-herds but, unlike me, doesn't care what anyone except a select few think about him so I know his calmness + love for/acceptance of me will help center me.
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Old 04-04-2022, 04:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LJSDesigns View Post
About yourself. And I am not talking anything physical like weight, height, hair color, etc. I am talking about some trait that you possess that hinders you in some way.

For example, with the wisdom of age, I know the one thing that I would have changed about myself is my inability to let things go. I am not one for holding grudges or things like that, but I am someone who holds on to ideas, dreams and people way beyond when I should.

The biggest example of this is my husband. On Saturday it will be 31 years since he died and it has only been in the last 5 to 10 years that I have let him and the hurt of losing him go.

I not only held on to it way too long, but I realize now that I nursed it, because I thought it proved how much I loved him. Why I felt I needed to prove that is a long, drawn out story, but in the end it was just an excuse not to trust my own judgement and risk my heart again. By holding on to that, I didn't make room for something or someone else and while I am happy with my life, I know that I might have had something more if I had just let things go sooner.

When they say the only thing stopping you from doing the things you want to do is you, they were definitely talking about me. It is sad that I didn't see it at the time, but when you are trying to hold on to something that is long gone, you can't see anything else. I know it now and I try not let myself dwell on things, look back too much and not take chances. I am not always successful, because that trait is strong in me, but at least I finally recognize it. It only took me 55 years.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening up and sharing this. I've done the very same thing - just can't let go. I would totally change that about myself if i knew how.
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