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Old 01-24-2010, 04:05 PM
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Default Married w/Children + Fling = Now What?

Married almost 10 years, three beautiful and healthy children, middle-upper class family, average marital issues, some marriage counseling, nothing really out-of-the-norm...

Until...

You find out that DH had a fling with a much younger girl (at least once).

Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Anything similar? What did you do? How did you deal with it? What was the process like for you? What about for your children? Regrets? No regrets?

I have prayed for strength and guidance.
And lots of coffee.

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Old 01-24-2010, 04:34 PM
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Oh Leah, I don't have any advice - but please know I am here for you or on YM if you need me!

See, I think it depends on what you want and what your husband thinks to do. Can you forgive him, do you both want to stay together and work on the relationship?

I don't know if I would or could, I would be devasted - I have promised myself that I would never except such thing and would go for divorce. And I definately wouldn't stay in a broken relationship for the kids sake, cause that doesn't work.

I am thinking of you, hugs and prayers!
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Old 01-24-2010, 04:36 PM
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Oh my- I have no experience with this- my heart goes out to you. Good luck hun, T & P comming your way.
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Old 01-24-2010, 04:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nathalie View Post

I don't know if I would or could, I would be devasted - I have promised myself that I would never except such thing and would go for divorce. And I definately wouldn't stay in a broken relationship for the kids sake, cause that doesn't work.

I am thinking of you, hugs and prayers!
The trust is gone, completely and totally gone. The respect is gone - I have not one ounce of respect left for this man. The love that was once there, is now completely clouded with betrayal and anger.

What does that leave???
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Old 01-24-2010, 04:47 PM
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Oh Leah, I too, cannot imagine how you must be feeling, only having been the shoulder -it happened to my best friend. According to her -me and hours of coffee for two. Talk it out with that one woman you know wil listen until 2 in the morning.

So sorry I cannot be of more help
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Old 01-24-2010, 04:55 PM
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Leah, my heart is just so heavy for you right now! P & PT your direction.
I haven't been in those shoes, so I don't know that I have much to offer in terms of advice. But I would say take your time to think through what you need to do for you and your kids...you shouldn't feel rushed to make such a huge decision.
IF I wanted to work on things, I know that I would require my DH to go to counseling and get involved in an Every Man's Battle group and get some accountablity partners. But other than that, I don't know.

*ETA...just read your response. Can't blame you at all for those feelings...I think that's how all of us would feel in your situation.
Legal separations are an option (well, they are here anyway LOL) if you want him out of the house while you think things through AND while he works on his issues (he obviously has some). If you see a split coming in the near future, it might not be a bad idea to talk with a lawyer and make sure that you are protected legally and financially in this mess.
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:16 PM
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I've not been there so I can't say what I would do... but just wanted to send hugs and positivie thoughts your way.

Has your husband told you what he expects of out the current situation? I think you should first, vent to a REALLY good friend who'll listen, then talk with your husband and maybe a counselor before deciding what to do.

HUGS!
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:28 PM
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I divorced the cheating bastard after 11 years of marriage and 4 kids. Found a faithful, loyal, devoted and AMAZING man to spend my next 40 with. I regret the years I spent being miserable thinking things would get better or that I was doing the right thing for the kids and so on. I lost some good quality years of my life. I'm happier now than I ever was in a "mediocre" marriage.

But, there were issues other than the fact that he never stopped dating, so I can't say I'd give everyone the same advice. It was a dark time in my life.
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:30 PM
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I'm so sorry! Lots of P&PT while you work through this and decide what you want to do.
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:33 PM
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hugs Leah...I too have no advice, but I know when DH and had issues we actually seperated twice and went our own ways {for a total of about 18 months- 2 years}...we were in our early twenties and he was just immature {no infidelty}...so I left and did what I needed to do to take care of me and Sam and then we worked it out later down the road...but I agree, take your time and I hope it all works out no matter what you decide~
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:37 PM
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I'm so sorry! I am not in your situation but I wanted you to know my thoughts are with you. This is a difficult time and you will feel a ton of emotions and think lots of things. Maybe time apart is what is needed to see if you want to rekindle what you had. You know the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? I don't know. I'm probably not helping here.
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:43 PM
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I'm so sorry, Leah! It's certainly not an easy road to go down. Whether you try to work things out or not. My first husband couldn't keep it in his pants to save his life. We went to marriage counseling on and off. Eventually neither of us could handle it any more. I couldn't trust him and rightfully so. He was too self absorbed and driven to cheat to actually care about me or our children. So we decided to end it. I remember feeling a lot of hurt but also a lot of relief that I didn't have to sit and wonder where he was or who he was with anymore.
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Old 01-24-2010, 05:58 PM
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So sorry that you are going through this Leah. I cannot imagine what you are going through but my brother is going through something similar, only he's the one that originally cheated, and even though she forgave him, the marriage is finally ending because she found someone while they were still together. It is devastating my brother and that's all I'll say about it. The kids seem to be doing just fine.

Just take the time you need to make a decision that you think is best for you and stick to it. And then hopefully you will start to heal.
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Old 01-24-2010, 06:14 PM
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I am so sorry; my h eart hurts so much for you right now. The only advice I would give you is not to make any permanent decisions right now. There are so many factors to consider in this situation, but right now I am sure that the hurt and betrayal are so overwhelming. I would work through this in your heart before you feel like you have to decide your future. I'll be praying for you and your family.
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Old 01-24-2010, 06:39 PM
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I think your response and how this comes out for you and your dh depends on his attitude and reaction as much as yours. If he is truly remorseful, trust can be re-built. If he's ambivalent then not so much. I haven't been through this personally but a couple from our church has and the wife stayed with her husband - she felt he was truly sorry and her viewpoint was that she didn't want to throw away all their history and their family over a mistake. I think it takes a very remorseful repentant dh for that to work though - and probably a lot of counseling and healing. ITA with Kellie above - I would not make any big decision short term - you need to put a lot of time to this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this!
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Old 01-24-2010, 07:36 PM
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Oh Leah I am so sorry. I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. ((((((big hugs))))))
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Old 01-24-2010, 08:30 PM
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I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice but I want you to know I'm sending {{{hugs}}}.
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Old 01-24-2010, 08:32 PM
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Trust is something that cannot totally ever be earned back. I think since you are feeling so hurt right now, asking him to leave for a bit while you sort out your feelings would be a good idea. I am currently going through a divorce, not for cheating, but if you need to talk, I am here.
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Old 01-24-2010, 09:36 PM
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Well, not sure if I should put my two cents in, but if the love, and more importantly, the respect is gone... move on. You can still be the best mom you can be even if you aren't living with their dad. And it might actually be easier on the kids if they are not feeling the tension in the air. I think if you can end things ammicably and not bring the kids into it, then you're both better off.

So, with that said, here's the Reader's Digest version of my past, hence my opinion... My first marriage ended in divorce because my husband and best friend had a several year affair. She was married too with 2 kids. We all vacationed together and lived across the street from each other. At the time I thought my life was over, but turns out my life is a 1000 times better than it ever was. We didn't have kids, but she did and they have turned out to be great kids. Both parents stayed involved with the kids and acted civil when in front of them.

It's a tough decision, not one I would want to re-live, but in the end I am a much stronger and mature woman and it taught me a lot. Think I'm a better mom for it too now that I have my own kid.
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Old 01-24-2010, 09:46 PM
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I believe trust can be rebuilt. My husband and I went through this same thing. We managed to work through it though and if you and your husband both are willing to work to save your marriage it can be done. You should do it because you both still want to be together though because if you dont both want it it wont work. I also think counseling would help because your husband had a fling for a reason and he should figure out that reason so that it does not happen again. Im not one who thinks that you should just throw it away or that once someone cheats they will always cheat. Sometimes it is just a really big mistake that wont happen again.
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Old 01-24-2010, 09:49 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I haven't been through what you are going through, but two very good friends went through something very similar with their husbands. One worked it out, and one didn't. And, as Emmy said, whether or not the marriage worked out in the end seemed to be based on whether or not the husband was truly sorry for what had happened and if he understood the impact on her, her trust of him, and the kids.

For one of my friends, it was her husband's way of saying that he didn't want the responsibility of kids (their schedules, their demands on him) and of being married anymore and that he wanted more "adventure"- it was more about him than the relationship. (He had also shown a lot more passive aggressive behaviors, etc. over the months and years before it happened.) It was his midlife crisis about 5 years too early. They worked it out, but it took a while apart and counselling for them and their kids. (Their son was quite angry with him for a long time.)

Take time, find someone to talk to, and take care of yourself through this. It's going to be a long healing process.

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Old 01-24-2010, 10:00 PM
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oh gosh! I am sooo sorry Leah!!! I wish I had some advice or something encouraging or even intelligent to say. Just know that if you need to chat I am here. I wish I could help you more!! HUGS!
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Old 01-24-2010, 10:04 PM
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Mo advice but hugs
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Old 01-24-2010, 10:52 PM
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I don't have much new to add, but wanted to add my BTDT/you are not alone to your replies.

If I was in your specific situation, it would depend on a few factors. What does a fling mean? Was it a one or two time deal or an ongoing relationship? How long ago did it happen? Did it happen during a rougher time in his life and/or your marriage or during a relatively normal peaceful time? Is this something completely out of the ordinary for your DH to do or is he not necessarily a stand up guy in certain situations? Did he grow up with a mother or father or other important adult figure who cheated? Has he cheated in previous relationships? Did he admit this to you or did you find out some other way? Who is the other woman? In general, I'd be more apt to work on forgiving someone who had a one or two night stand with someone who is not important in our life and was willing to do whatever I asked to make it right as opposed to someone who has cheated on previous SOs and/or me, who cheated with one of my family members or close friends for a long period of time, or has a tendency to stretch the truth abt things like gambling or p*rn or other hot button issues. KWIM?

I'm not asking you to answer these questions in this post or anything, but these are things you should ask yourself. I can say w almost definite certainty that if I found out it was with more than one woman, I'd be done.

I don't have any concrete proof that my ex and his current wife (then business partner) physically cheated while we were married, but there was definitely an emotional affair and lots of times where they were alone together where something physical could have happened. The dealbreaker for me was not as much that he was spending an inappropriate amount of time and energy on a woman that was not his wife as the fact that he would not acknowledge that it was happening. He justified it all as something in my head, and how do you work through that? It was so bittersweet to find out that he had moved in with his 'business partner' (because her house was closer to the office than his --- *lol*!) 2 weeks after I made him leave and that they were engaged within 4 months of us splitting because, of course, I was right and he just didn't have the b@lls to tell me so. Not only a betrayal, but so incredibly disrespectful. We didn't have any children together, but the hardest part of the whole thing for me was having to say goodbye forever to my stepdaughters.

I guess what I'm trying to say *lol* is that you are the best judge of your situation. Unfortunately, divorces are pretty commonplace, so as difficult as it will be for you and your kids, you'll be able to find lots of support and commonality with many people in your life. On the other hand, if you still love him and he still loves you and is truly sorry and is willing to do anything (and follows through on that promise!), don't let other people try to talk you into a divorce. 10 years is a long time to 'throw away' if you don't have to.

Oh, and of course, no divorced woman would ever leave off a post w/o posting the following: Consult an attorney. Take pictures of every room in your house focusing on big picture items that might later come into play in a separation or divorce. Transfer some money into a checking account in your name alone and/or pull some out and hide it somewhere that he will not find it. Make copies of all your important documents i.e. mortgage, his Social Security #, car registrations, etc. Keep an eye on any credit cards that are in both your names. Do NOT move out of the house under any circumstances.

Good luck! *hugs*
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Old 01-24-2010, 10:58 PM
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I would definitely ask him to leave while I sorted things out, and I agree with the questions LA posted for you to ask yourself. I think it's most important to know if he's remorseful at all, or if he's willing to work on it.

I don't think I could forgive. I know I couldn't. I got screwed by an ex in a similar fashion and though we weren't married, I swore I'd never let a man make me feel like that big of a loser ever again in my life.

I hope you can make the decision that is best for you. I think you need to sort things out in your head before you can make any big decisions. ((hugs))
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Old 01-25-2010, 12:58 AM
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Leah. My sister-in-law is going through a similar situation right now. She found out this past week that her husband has had an inappropriate relationship with her best friend. As far as I'm aware, nothing physical but still an emotional affair. She is also married with two kids and they hang out as couples together all the time. This is the second time they've been through this situation (different woman the first time around) and 18 months ago he walked out on her and the kids. They got back together after marriage counseling and have been together since then. After the revelation this week, she asked him to leave. From talking to her, all trust she has in their relationship is gone. She's been hurt and betrayed too many times for things to be salvaged now. She's scared to death to be alone at 30 with two small children but at this point, that seems like a better option than staying in a marriage where there is no trust left. I agree with the questions LeeAndra posed for you. I definitely don't think divorce is something to go into without examining every possible alternative first but only you know what you can handle.

Lots of love and prayers coming your way.
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:37 AM
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I have no advice either, but I want to say I'm sorry you have to get through this. I'll be praying for you... for the best decision for you and your children.
(((HUGS)))
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:49 AM
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Oh, Leah! I don't have any advice for you because I don't know, what I would do but I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you! I pray that you find the right decision for you and the kids!!! ((((HUGS))))
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:18 AM
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Big hugs for you - I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have never been in that situation, so I haven't got any advice for you. I will say this though - if you decide to stay, stay for you, and not for the kids. I have a friend who's parents stayed together because of her and her brother, and they divorced when both kids were in their twenties. She says she really wishes they would have gotten divorced earlier, as she would have preferred to have happy parents that weren't together rather than miserable ones that were together. She also feels she has never really been taught how a real, loving relationship should be like, so she has to work really hard on her own marriage.
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