NSBR: Parenting Advice Needed!

[mrs_jb]

I am just at my wits end with this and I feel I need some fresh perspective!

We are having serious attitude problems with our oldest son (8). He can be so sweet, funny, lovable... but he has a very spoiled/entitled attitude that makes me want to rip my hair out. He complains about everything, and I do mean everything, that does not go his way. This morning he complained about the following: didn't want to brush his teeth, didn't want to drink milk, couldn't unbuckle his belt, didn't like his pants, shoes wouldn't go on right. And these are not little complaints, they are whiny and pouty episodes that last from 5 minutes to a half hour. He literally pouted on the couch, moaning, for 30 mins because of the milk thing. I ignore it completely, but that really doesn't seem to have an effect.

This attitude also transfers over to his treatment of others, mainly his 5 year old brother. He has a way of talking to him which I refer to as his "stupid" tone because you could add the word stupid on to the end of everything he says. (i.e. Do it this way (stupid)! It's my turn (stupid)!) Of course, I don't allow name calling or anything like that, but it's just the general tone that he uses and his absolute impatience and lack of tolerance for anyone else.

I think part of the problem stems from the fact that he is gifted. Everything comes very naturally to him and I think that he has a hard time being patient for others to learn and understand. However, I'm desperate for him to learn some level of kindness and compassion. The only times when I really see him with a good attitude is if he is doing something he enjoys, if he is winning a game, if he's getting what he wants.

I'm not a pushover about this stuff either, I don't allow it to go on, which means that I'm endlessly talking to him about it, punishing him, or losing my temper about it. I just do not know what to do at this point because NOTHING I do is breaking through to him that this kind of behavior is wrong and will not be tolerated anymore.

Any advice is welcome! TIA!

[BrattyMeg]

((((Hugs)))) I have no words..my son is 11 and stillllll at "that age"

[jessica31876]

my daughter volunteered alot and one of the places she did was a homeless shelter where she went and played games with the kids (actually she served cookies and milk and helped the kids with their gamecards because they were playing bingo) but when she came home she talked about how it felt to see kids who had so little and how she appreciated what she had even more. Im not sure if he is old enough now but it might be something to look into. Maybe your whole family could go to serve thanksgiving dinner in a shelter. For a kid to see how fortunate they really are sometimes helps snap them back to reality and really makes them appreciate everything alot more. Aside from that the only thing that I could suggest which I do with my son is I tell him I will not listen to him when he talks like that (and he has had the same issues since he was abuot 7 or 8 also). He is getting alot better about it and when I remind him about how he is speaking he apologizes and usually corrects himself.

[emmasmommy]

I really like Jessica's suggestion!

I don't have any advice to give but **BIG HUGS**

[Kat Stokes]

It must be a boy thing.... my 7 year old has been really bad lately!!! So mouthy. I lost it yesterday - and then of course he came to me all sweet right before bed and apologized for being bad. Grrrrrrr. Sometimes I can't wait until they're grown and I don't have to deal with this anymore but then I wouldn't trade these years for anything, well minus the crappy attitude.

The only thing that works for my DS is the wrath of dad and losing his gaming and tv privileges - which creates another meltdown.

[nun69]

oh man...this totally sounds like my son!!! who is also 8~ he is suppose to read 15 mins a night but it is like pulling my hair out to ge thim to do it because no book really intrests him and he is way above his reading level! And I usually have issues with him in the morning just getting up!!!! so I'll be keeping up with thtis thread to see what people have to say as well

[junebug]

my daughter is sort of at that stage and she is 6. we have a hard time with her too. i hope it goes away? but i doubt it! (((hugs)))

[Emmy]

Couple suggestions -

- unkindness to brother. I punish this 2 ways - when he is truly unkind he has to spend 15 minutes 'serving' his brother. This can be helping his brother do a chore, reading to his brother, or playing a game / spending nice time with his brother. When it gets out of hand or nasty (telling his brother to shut up etc) he has to apologize and give his brother $1 from his allowance (money happens to be this child's "currency")

- general whining/complaining annoying me with his moaning & groaning. We have a chat, I remind him how unpleasant it is to be around someone acts like that. At the next offense, I explain that I'm going to have to help him break the habit. I make up a chart and he gets an X on it each time he complains (or does whatever issue I'm trying to manage). When he does the 'offense' I just look at him and say - we talked about this, you need to stop, that's an X on your chart. Then I X it and move on. If this is something that happens dozens of times a day you need to start big - like 30 boxes on the chart that represent 30 minutes of video game time (or tv, or whatever his most beloved activity is). Once it's somewhat under control I move to 10 boxes on the chart and each one can represent 3 minutes *or* at 3 X'she loses THIS priviledge and 5 X's THAT priviledge, etc. This is fairly effective with my kids.

HTH - there's no magic bullet, but both of these tools work well for my older 2 boys (age 9 and 7)

[iJenny]

We are *SO* there with my 7 1/2 year old son, Jac. I mean, you basically described Cameron's attitude completely.

Finally we came to a conclusion: if he is going to complain about EVERYTHING, then he will get NOTHING.

So, we stripped his room of toys, games, stuffed animals, music, etc. He was left with his bed, a couple of books (he reads before bed) and 1 stuffed animal to sleep with. He lost TV, video games, computer, and iPod. We gave him two weeks to change his attitude. Everyday we talked as a family about how his day went and if he got a "yes" for attitude or a "no". If he got a yes, then he was one more day closer to getting ONE electronic back (started w/ 1 hr. of TV). After two weeks, if he had fewer than four "no" (out of 14) then he got an hour of T.V. After another week, if he got fewer than 2 "no" days, he got 2 hours of T.V. Then came his Nintendo DS, then the Wii, then his iPod. And finally, we put his "stuff" back in his room. If he got a "no" week, we took away what he had earned the week before. If he got two "no" weeks, we would start from the beginning. It made Cameron appreciate what he has more and to complain less. Its been a success so far with a few minor bumps along the way.

Another thing we did day-to-day to help him see his attitude was this... we took two dollars (his bi-weekly allowance) in nickels and put them in a jar. Every.single.time he had a bad attitude (whining/complaining, back-talking, being rude to his brother, etc) he had to remove a nickel from the jar. At the end of the week, whatever was left was his allowance. The rest went to our tithing jar for church. He learned quickly how often he had a bad attitude when his money started to move from one jar to another.

I don't know if any of that will work for you, but it might be worth a shot. Also, there is a great book called Creative Correction that has some really great ideas for creative discipline. You have to take the book with a grain of salt because there are some things in there that i don't agree with. But for the most part I've loved the ideas I've gotten from it. Plus, its written from a Christian perspective so there are lots of ideas on how to correct your children from the bible.

Good luck hon. Its such a tough road. ((hugs))

[iJenny]

Originally Posted by Emmy

- unkindness to brother. I punish this 2 ways - when he is truly unkind he has to spend 15 minutes 'serving' his brother. This can be helping his brother do a chore, reading to his brother, or playing a game / spending nice time with his brother. When it gets out of hand or nasty (telling his brother to shut up etc) he has to apologize and give his brother $1 from his allowance (money happens to be this child's "currency")

This is a really great idea, Emmy. Money is starting to be Cameron's "currency" and having to pay his little brother would be torture for him. I also *love* the idea of having him serve his brother. I think I'm going to do that with Cameron. Connor is not even four yet, but I can see how Cameron's attitude hurts his feelings. And I'm trying to get Cameron to see that. Thanks for the idea!

[Amber1279]

great ideas ... I am working with a "special needs" child of sorts so I allow more leeway with DS, but DD is started to get attitude (at 5) that needs to get under control and FAST. I think some of these ideas will help with her.

[mrs_jb]

Thank you ladies SO much for all of the fantastic ideas!

I really like the ideas of things that he can see (like the allowance jar), so he realizes how much he has a bad attitude. I also agree that money is a big motivator for him, so that's something that we can definitely use.

What I also like, with dealing with his brother, is the idea that his punishment fit the crime. So if he is mean to his brother, he has to rectify it by doing something nice. That is really the lesson that I want him to learn... kindness!

Thanks also for the book recommendation Jenny, I'll definitely check that out!

[newfiemountiewife]

I haven't tried this, but I've heard that if you have a whiny kid, you can video tape them, and play it back for them. *Supposedly* they will go "My gosh! How horrible!" and then they stop.

Of course that is wishful thinking and I'm a skeptic LOL.

I don't really know what to tell you, my kids just were never really whiners, Amelia whines most, but even she doesn't whine too much. I hope that you are able to figure something out, especially as far as Nathan is concerned. I just hate it when Benjamin is mean to his sisters, but Benjamin is mostly like that when something else totally unrelated is going on.

Hang in there!

[kristine]

Originally Posted by newfiemountiewife

I haven't tried this, but I've heard that if you have a whiny kid, you can video tape them, and play it back for them. *Supposedly* they will go "My gosh! How horrible!" and then they stop.

I tried that, didn't work

My oldest went through a really whiny stage when she was about 6, I taped one of her tantrums, because I'm an evil mummy, but she just whined about me taping it, and then she whined to make me delete it.

Kaja has pretty much grown out of it now, although when she doesn't get enough sleep she falls back to it again. What worked well for us was a lot of positive attention (really over the top), and ignoring her when she was whining. We talked a lot about how mornings would be so much nicer if we could all be nice to eachother (and I made sure to tell her I was going to make an effort to nag less, so she wouldn't feel like it was all her fault) - mornings were the worst for us. The next day she would usually make an effort, and she would get lots of praise. Then the next morning she would have forgotten, and I would just remind her how much nicer the morning before was. After a while she got it, and now she really makes an effort most days.

[jannylynn]

The Love and Logic book has been helpful for us!

[suzyqscraps]

Emmy, my dad did a similar thing with us when we were unkind to our siblings. Except we called them love owies. Depending on the severity of the "crime," we were assigned X number of love owies (or services) to do for the person. And if our bad behavior had affected our mom's day, we were assigned love owies for her too.

There's something about serving others that helps you love them and treat them better. and being made to serve our mom too helped us realize how we were affecting her as well as each other, and made us appreciate all that she did for us.

And I love all these ideas with the money and visually connecting it to the bad behavior. My ds is only 2, but I'm going to tuck this away for future use.