I'm freaking out!!!

L

Laura_A

New member
So, kindof a long story here, but I gotta get it out somehow.

I haven't seen my biological father in over 20 years. It was discovered that he had been molesting my half sister, step sister and other girls in the neigborhood. He spent time in prison and after a while I lost track of him. The last time I saw my sisters was 20 years ago when they were in my wedding which was only about 6 months after my father was first arrested. They were 7 and 12 at the time. They lived in California and eventually I lost track of them, too.

Through the years I've done searches for them off and on but have never really had any luck. So, last night I'm searching the web, trying to find them and I'm stunned to find my father's obituary. He died June 23, 2011 and I never knew. I've only been in contact with one person from his side of the family, my Grandfather. "Contact" meaning a Christmas card each year. I don't understand why he never informed me and I'm SO confused about my emotions right now. I loved my father, no matter how many times he failed me through my life...which was a lot...but I had no intentions of ever having a relationship with him again. But to know for sure that he is gone forever has hit me much harder than I ever thought possible. I just don't know how to feel about it all...his death, how I learned of his death, etc.

Anyway, I finally decided to pay the $20 to get my sisters' addresses from PeopleSmart and, now that I had the city they were living in, I've found them on Facebook. I'm so happy to have found them, but now I'm terrified to contact them. What if they don't want anything to do with me? What if I'm just a reminder of a horrible time in their lives? My step mother always said I had nothing to do with their pain, but they were just kids back then...what if once they started growing up they decided to completely close that book for good?

Yeesh! I'm freaking out here!
 
emmasmommy said:
oh wow!

i'm adopted and i always wonder, what would i do if i had my biological mother's name/address....
Click to expand...

,y sister was adopted (she was a biological child of my mom and step dad...long story) but it is pretty amazing the relationship that she built with my mom (her biological mom) and the relationship that MY mom (her biological mom) has built with her adoptive mom....it is pretty amazing and their is more closure for everyone as opposed to any regrets :) so if you do end up opening that book Laura, it could be pretty amazing :) My sister and I are best friends even though we didn't find each other for 25 years~

eta: I agree with Brook, the worst that could happen is they just let you know their feelings and then you at least have some closure as well...
 
My nephew was removed from my sisters care and her rights were terminated. He was 22 when he came back into our lives. I am so happy I know he is ok. We do not talk a whole lot but we are friends on facebook and he occasionally messages me or my husband.

Second instance is a little more confusing. My grandmother (maternal side) had my mom. I think she was out of wedlock or her husband died in WWII. Im not sure. Anyhow she got pregnant by a man who was my aunt's biological father. Well he told his wife there was a woman who had gotten herself in trouble and would she like to adopt her child? She said yes and they arranged an adoption of his biological child...my aunt. She found my mother when I was a kid. Like no more then 7 years old. We did not have the best relationship either for a long time. I did not dislike her but had been hurt and so I thought it was best to distance myself. When my son Matthew died my aunt came back into my life and helped me and my husband with his burial as she worked for a funeral home. She also arranged the marker for his grave. (we paid for all of it though).

So there are two examples of what happens with adoption and finding your missing family. My best advice to you is to approach your sisters and build your relationship slowly. They will likely be curious too and you will never know if you do not try. Don't expect them to be a certain way as you knew them when they were a lot younger and they have had a whole lifetime (not really but you know what I mean LOL). I say that last part because when my nephew came back I had this idea of what he would be like and that the love I still had for him would be the same as the love he had for me. Only he did not remember any of us much.

He was 5 the last time I had seen him. His adoptive parents changed his name from George to Allen. So that was really weird and hard to get used to. So anyhow that is my story about people who have found me.

Oh I also had a half brother who lives in Ohio. He was my dad's biological son and when my dad's ex-wife remarried his step-father adopted my brother. His name is Graham. Don't talk to him but not because I do not like him just not much in common. But I am glad I did find him and talk to him a little bit because at least I know where he is and all that. If I didn't I would always be wondering
 
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Oh wow....I think if it were me I'd be just as terrified of rejection BUT I'd rather know that they don't want to be in my life than never know if I ever had a chance. Good luck to you! I truly hope that your story has a happy ending.
 
Thanks everyone! Thought I'd post an update. I went ahead and contacted them through FB and I'm so excited to say they were both happy to hear from me. They both said they'd thought of me through the years and they want to stay in touch! YAY! Happy "ending" to a rough weekend.
 
That's so great Laura! Do you live anywhere close enough to see them at some point?
I'm so sorry about the way you discovered your dad's passing. (((HUGS)))
 
One thing that is recommended when contacting is to have another person do the contact. The first initial shock can make or break the emotions. If you have a person in your life that you totally trust, have them make the first contact. Adoption.com has some great resources for first contact letters.
Crazy times for you, and a big ol' hug of support to you from a mom of 7 in the triad of adoption! The human aspect of emotions can never be realized until you are in the midst of it all!
 
So sorry about your father. My dad hasn't been an ideal individual and although we don't have a relationship and he has been in and out of prison he is still at the end of everything my father. And I know I'd be torn up if I was in your position.

When it comes to your sisters I agree with you going ahead and contacting them. Don't go in with any expectations. And try to be open minded and considerate about their reaction. It's just as intense on them as it is for you. But how exciting that you are being faced with this opportunity. I say take it. You don't want to life your life wondering "what if", good luck hon!
 
Something very similar happened to me, Laura.

I found my paternal grandmother's obituary online a couple years ago. It devastated me even though I had no relationship with her and hadn't seen her since I was 2 years old. Through her obituary, though, I discovered that I had three cousins I hadn't known existed until that point.

[My biological father passed when I was 16, so there is no reconciling with him, and his brothers are not the best people, either.]

Long story short, my bestie is one of those long-lost cousins, and the fact that she and I are so alike (vs. how different I am from my mom, her husband/my adopted dad, and my half sister) has given me an immeasurable amount of comfort and closure abt the situation.

I'm so glad that your sisters were open to connecting with you! I hope that you're able to forge a new relationship that is beneficial for all involved. :wub:
 
Glad you were able to connect with them, Laura.

Sorry about your dad. People should make better choices; the things they do effect those who love them. : (
 
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