I was inspired by the challenge to scrap our losses.
Simply Sweet Oh Baby Collab by SSD
Bad Sewing machine Stitch by Traci Reed
Pea Hannah Vanilla Font
Painted Heart by Patty Knox
Journaling: All my life I dreamt of being a mother.
I had picked out names already Merideth Anne Turner for a girl Jacob Fite Turner for a boy.
I would walk through baby stores, mentally picking out which clothes I would buy for my own child.
I browsed toy catalogs for baby supplies and mentally decorated my nursery in stores like Pottery Barn.
I pictured the blond haired, blue eyed baby girl who looked like me &the curly headed little boy with big brown eyes like his daddy.
I imagined what an amazing mom I would be...how natural motherhood would come for me...how my children would rise up and call me blessed...
but I also knew my own mother’s story. How desperately she wanted to have children for six years before I came along...how agonizing the two miscarriages she suffered were...how alienated she felt from her friends who were already finished having children before she had her first. And I was afraid.
Even before we started trying to get pregnant, I worried about having a miscarriage. I even told Joel before we got married that I might not be able to have children. But we knew it was in God’s hands and that His hands were capable of meeting our every need,. We just always hoped we didn’t have to test that.
After three years of marriage, in May 2003, I got off birth control and started charting my temperature, but for four months, I never ovulated. The doctor immediately prescribed Clomid to induce ovulation, and the second month on Clomid, I got pregnant.
We were beyond excited! On day 21 post-ovulation, I had an ultrasound done, and Joel took the photo to the Center to show all of our friends our “anak sulung”, first child. Everyone around me was rejoicing, but I was secretly terrified. I prayed constantly for God to protect this child; I never, ever felt at peace during the time I was pregnant. I didn’t think I could bear the pain of losing this child I wanted so, so desperately.
But I remember both the day the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat, how I thought I could just pray my way out this, how strong my faith was that He would give me THIS child...and how a week later when we went back and found out for sure we had lost the baby, how overwhelmed I was by His peace. We had so many people lifting us up that while I mourned our loss, I never felt overwhelmed with it. As my greatest fear came true, I realized His grace was indeed sufficient for me. I didn’t know what the future would hold, didn’t know that Jack would be born just a year later or that Max would come after that, but what I did know was enough: God would be there with us through it all.
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