Sweet Shoppe Designs

Be sure to check out my team bloggie tomorrow (5/11) for a brand new challenge :]

Credits:
Krystal's Lil Stinker kit

Journaling:
I’m a planner by nature.. an over planner if you may. Every moment, every thing in my life..I over
analyze each second, each thought, each decision. It’s a control issue, I am well aware of. Yet
despite all my efforts, it seems that over the last year- or even further back- nothing is
going the way I want it to. I’m told I need to just sit back and relax.. to just take a deep
breathe and stop stressing over the details. I can’t. It’s not in me to just watch my life
continue to tick on by. I’ve wasted enough time because of wrong decisions in my past, I can’t
just let things and opportunities continue to pass me by. Yet it seems, that is just what is
going to happen. Sure, not all obstacles are as clear as the cat sticking his butt in my face.
There is not always a big fluffy orange tail blocking my path. If the obstacles were that
clear, I could just brush them aside and keep moving forward. No they come in all forms,
most days I feel like there is just this giant dark cloud impeding my future. That no matter
how hard I try to drive through it, or around it, it will follow me. School is probably on
hold indefinetly, again, for the hundreth time. The first round, it was because I couldn’t
afford to continue, and decided to pursue a career in special education instead.
The next time, was because I got pregnant, twice. The next few years, I was held
back by a controlling husband. He left, and life continued to be a struggle
and I once again found myself not being able to afford schooling on my own. Now,
I’ve started the process again, got myself all excited and geared up ready to go
and realize I have a costly divorce pending, and won’t be able to move, won’t be
able to afford to attend college again, for at least another year. Of course, I
blame this entire sequence of events and obstacles on the wrong choices I made over
six years ago. It’s funny.. how one moment, can follow you around for what feels like
an eternity, and you just can’t seem to move past it. There are of course, a million
other things that aren’t going as planned. Be they my relationship with my
mother, which mostly just feels like running face first into
one wall after another. Or the fact that I have an amazing man
in my life, who is terrified of my child.. Or the silly dreams
about opening up a clothing store with my best friend, but I can’t
because she lives on the opposite side of the country and I’m not
“allowed” to move out of state. Why can’t I have my white picket fence..
my dream career, my perfect mother daughter relatonship, my hopes
fulfilled. Sometimes I wonder if I am my own obstacle. If I just
stopped trying to plan every detail of my life, if things would just
start suddenly falling into place. I feel like I’m overcompensating
for constantly being labeled the underachiever. Yet, I still
AM that underachiever. I haven’t managed to fulfill one dream, one
goal.. nothing seems within my reach.
It seems that all that is before me are constant never ending obstacles.