Sweet Shoppe Designs

July challenge #29 journaling prompt: Write about something you used to believe (topic #111)

Journaling reads:
As difficult as it is to admit this now... I used to believe I truly was unlovable. I did not have the happiest of childhoods and I truly understand why they say that if you are told something often enough you will eventually begin to believe it. I am not sure I will ever understand why my mother had such bitterness towards me. Perhaps it was because
she had me so late in life and had to start all over; perhaps it was because having me did not get my father to stick around after all, or... I do not know really, I am not sure there is any justification for that at all. I always looked for fault, always felt guilty, but looking back on it now how could such a small child be the reason for such things. As a mother I really can not fathom this sort of thinking, and I completely thank God above for that. I grew up hearing things like, ?You are never going to be anything in life, Tanyia. You are completely hopeless, no one is ever going to be able to love you, I can not even stand to look at you.? All those years of trying to please my mother only to find out that nothing was ever going to be enough to please her, much less make her happy or proud of me...nothing. I also grew up without my father. I remember how my mother always talked badly
about him and about what an awful person he was, how he was an alcoholic and abused her. I did not really grasp the meanings of those things but I could understand how much she hated him, especially every time she told me that I was just like him. Al I wanted though, was for him to love me. I wanted him to be a part of my life so desperately. I recall sitting at the screen door in our little house in Erie, PA watching the cars and waiting for him to show up for his day with me. My mother would be in the background telling
me that I should know he would not come...he did not want me either. It was really difficult to grow up feeling so completely useless, unloved, and unwanted. When I became a teenager I turned to any boy willing to give me attention...needing to know, needing to prove to HER, that I was wanted. Unfortunately for me, I went about that in a typically damaged way and had sex far too early with someone that did not give a damn about me. Did that stop me? No...I kept looking. I tried drinking, drugs, doing all the wrong things and yet I never was able to find what I wanted or needed. Eventually though, I found Marc. I took me forever to trust him. I mean...really. It is now 19 years later and
sometimes I still wonder why on earth he loves me. Why he sticks around and puts up with my crap! I have tested him in so many ways, I tried to push him away so many times but each time al he had to say was that he loved me and he was NOT going anywhere. He knew all about my mother, and he had his own issues and together we found not only each other, but in doing so we found ourselves, and we did it together. He truly has made me feel loved, cherished, wanted... I can actually have a little argument with him and realize that he is not going to divorce me over it, because he loves me so much that he wants to work through al of our problems together! What an amazing concept. Together we have three amazing little girls that we love with al of our hearts. Now, I know that not one parent is perfect and kids will grow up disagreeing with some of the things that their parents did. However, I truly believe that our children will never feel unwanted, unloved or uncared for. I make it my priority to not be a statistic, to not be one of those self perpetuating people that puts my children through the same shit I went through. I am going to be better, I am going to give them better. They deserve better than either of us ever had. I am so grateful that God led me to my husband. That he led me to this man who would do absolutely nothing but love me completely and honestly with all of his heart for as long as he is alive. She was wrong. I am lovable, I am loved, and I love with a huge passion in return.
kit: Raindrops keep Falling by Kristin Cronin-Barrow
Font: FG Steve