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#1
12-10-2013, 01:30 PM
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Regarding girlfriends
I see some of my friends that I have and I see how they are with each other and with other women. They seem to be pretty close to each other and find time to do fun things together, whether it's a lunch date, or seeing a movie together, or just hanging out at each other's houses. Now, I see this and I wonder, "how come that interaction is not with me as well?" And I start to wonder what I am doing wrong. Do I repel people or something? I also know very well that friendship, just like love, cannot be forced, but certainly it can be helped. So how do I do this? Anyway, I'm probably exaggerating. I have had best friends in my life and good friends, but those friendships don't seem to last "forever." I certainly don't have anyone I could just call up and say, "hey, let's hang out!" And then once I try to get close to someone, it turns out they "already" have a best friend and it's like I'm not invited in their little circle. This sounds so high school-ish. And I don't mean to come in here trying to get pity because that is not my intention at all. I'm just curious, how is it with you, how do you typically interact with other women? Do you have friends you do this kind of stuff with? Or not? And why do you think that is?
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#2
12-10-2013, 01:53 PM
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for me I realize sometimes I have to be the one to reach out and make the effort..I have friends like that but I also have closer ones I know I can count on that are just busy and never really make the effort that others do.
I come across as standoffish and snobby b/c I'm incredibly shy...it's just a misunderstanding among women with me I think so once I talk to them or open up I'm let in pretty easily. I'd just suggest to make the effort first and see where it goes
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#3
12-10-2013, 02:05 PM
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I'm like you, Yari. I've had good friends, but no one in the last few years. For me, part of it is not putting myself out there enough and trying, and part of it is bad timing.
Most of the women I meet are through our preschool. There was a great group that I think would have included me a few years ago, but there was a stage of parenting mismatch. They were doing things without kids during preschool but I still had a little one home with me during those hours, and I was rushing home for naptime and DS's therapy sessions during the times they were getting together with their kids. Now I'm on the opposite side of things. My youngest is in preschool and I have more free time, but almost all the other parents in her class the last couple of years have littler ones and are either too busy or are getting their toddlers together for playdates. I'm quiet and need to get to know someone a little before I'm comfortable opening up and being myself, so my best chance for friendships comes in situations like this where I see the other parents a lot.
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#4
12-10-2013, 02:06 PM
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I've had best friends where we did everything together, and I loved it, but as we got older, got married and moved away, we've lost that closeness. We still have a great bond, but the three of us live 1000 miles apart now, and we'd be lucky to see each other once every 10 years.
To be honest though, it doesn't really bother me that much that I don't have a best friend that lives close. Maybe I'm too independent? I have friends at church, at the kids school and in the neighbourhood who I talk to in passing, but we don't get together for coffee or visit each others houses or anything. I'm happy knowing I have scrapping friends online, but again, I'm not super-best-friend-close to anyone really. My life is pretty busy, and I guess I like my alone time to scrap. It would be nice to have a best friend, but at the end of the day I guess I'm OK with how things are, and fill the gap with scrapping and family.
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#5
12-10-2013, 02:17 PM
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I have few friends that I can call and say "let's do anything" and we do... But I also have friends that I would love that they call/write/message me and the don't. heheh Sometimes that make me sad, but I don't know, I know I am always try to do my best for people, so, I'm doing what I can... right?! lol
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#6
12-10-2013, 02:20 PM
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few years ago I met a girl (who introduced me to scrapbooking, btw) that we used to talk about EVERYTHING... today she has 2 girls and I don't have any and that has made us to not be so close... but I still love her and I know I can count with her no matter what... I think I can say she is my best friend...
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#7
12-10-2013, 02:20 PM
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I have a friend here I could count on like that.. "a" friend. It is hard. really really hard. At the same time I just don't really relate to people as much.. I'm very much an introvert and it takes me a lot to WANT to go out and do things, my friend here will call and pretty much force me to go visit/coffee etc but I know i'm not as close to her as other friends of hers just because of my personality and how I am. I think with women many of us are the same.. we're the ones who wait to be called and invited not the ones who are calling? (does that make any sense haha)
<3
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#8
12-10-2013, 02:56 PM
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I honestly can't say that I have any friends currently... I have my "church friends" who I see on Sundays and at some events, but the ladies in the church I felt closest to both moved far away, both moved in the same month. I'm not good about putting myself out there, and, while I had some good friendships in college, we both went our own separate ways after graduation and I can't remember the last time I spoke to them.
On the one hand, I'd really love to have a good girlfriend that I could go to dinner with, or go get pedicures with, but I just never have really had strong friendships with girls. I don't feel like it would be right for me to nurture or build new friendships with males, because I do have a serious boyfriend, and I think that just sends the wrong message, even if it is a harmless friendship. I'd rather just invest the time in my kiddo and my guy. I do wish I had a friend. I just have no idea how to make one, and every time I put myself out there, I can't seem to find a good fit-- or I find groups of people who already know each other really well and I can't seem to break into the group (we just got a brand new MOPS group here in town, and I thought since it was brand new, there wouldn't be many cliques, that there'd be other newbies, but it turned out to be everyone in town who knew each other...and me). :shrugs: maybe it's just not meant to be for me!
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#9
12-10-2013, 03:13 PM
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After I moved to California almost 14 years ago, I was never able to make new friends. Everyone around here already had their own little circle. It's hard to get into it. They would include you on the surface, but they're not who you'd call any time of the day. I miss the 'girl time' sometimes. But I've learned to live with it. There are more than enough internet friends to keep me company. Many internet friends have been with me for years and know me inside out. I cherish those friendships.
I do love few friends I've made thru my kids' girl scouts and boy scouts. I volunteer for girl scout cookie booths, just so I can spend 2 hours with a friend and catch up on things. That maybe the only time we hang out together, but we both look forward to it. I love attending weekly boy scouts meeting with my son so that I can have my 'social hour' with parents. I sign up for most of camping and hiking trips with them, so that I can hang out with them and have a great time. Other than that, my brother lives close to me and I have great relationship with his wife. We go out for movies or shopping together when we want to. My job is about 5 minutes from her home. So, I go for lunch at her home every Friday. That's our Friday lunch date just to hang out and chat while we don't have distraction of our kids.
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#10
12-10-2013, 03:53 PM
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I have trouble with this as well. I'm fast to trust people, but people also lose my trust very quickly so i tend to make friends that don't last long. all my friends are in my computer! my two best friends are states away. it's kind of depressing!
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#11
12-10-2013, 04:37 PM
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There have been times in my life where I didn't have a true friend and wanted one so badly. It often was for various reasons:
1. I was being lazy about putting myself out there, being available. If I was invited somewhere, I declined the invitation to hang out for whatever reason (sometimes legitimate reasons, sometimes because I wasn't in the mood) which led to the invitations eventually tapering off to nothing. With time I have learned to make friendship and time together a priority, even when I'm not in the mood. 2. I never reached out... I rarely called anyone, sent cards, invited people over, etc. I have learned that even if I accept every call and invitation they give me, I am still sending a 'disinterested' message if I never am the one to initiate phone calls, emails, or get-togethers. 3. OR The connection just wasn't there. Even after being available and reaching out, sometimes I just didn't find a person I clicked with. Sometimes this was because of silly things... like their kids were not a good fit to ply with my kids when we all got together, or maybe it was deeper... like they were not the type of person I could share my secrets with, or because they didn't seem to want to be vulnerable with me. If I am honest with myself... it's usually #1 or #2 that's the problem. But I did go through a short season where I really felt I was trying everything and it was #3 (there was NO suitable friend for me out there). But as I stayed available and pursued relationships with people I made it a priority to find a friend. Thankfully, I have several very good close friends! I have to work hard at it... it takes time out of my week, I have to force myself to call if it's been awhile. If I went to their house last time I call and invite them to mine. Last night a bunch of us went to dinner together. But, there have been times when my 'best friends' have done things with other mutual friends and didn't invite me... and I do have a tinge of jealousy, but I don't let it bother me. If I want to see those friends, I will invite them somewhere next week... kwim? If I am the one inviting and reaching out I can't be excluded and I have no one to blame. Whew! That was a novel!!!  sorry!
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#12
12-10-2013, 05:27 PM
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My, sounds like so many of us are in the same boat. While I don't like how this saddens some of you, I am glad that I'm not the only one. As I've read through your responses I think that my main problem is that like many of you I don't really put myself out there enough, so why am I complaining? Gosh, women are such complex creatures. LOL!
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#13
12-10-2013, 05:47 PM
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I have always has problems relating to other women... even when I was little, I didn't want to play mommy and house with the girls... I wanted to play trucks and building blocks with the boys. Then as I got older... the girls in my class were soo clickie and I didn't want to be identified in a certain group so I was "friends" to all, but only had one or two very close friends, (and my best friend was a guy...).
All through college, I didn't get into the college experience... to me, college was the means to an end of school and getting on with life. So, only close friend I had was roommate, who died a few years after we graduated (she was born with lung problems). On to work... I made a number of girl friends there... some who I though were very close - one stood up in my wedding, the other is my son's godmother... but since leaving that company to stay home with Jake... and now that I'm homeschooling, that makes me even odder to them... Then in the homeschool groups... I feel like the odd ball again... I only have one kid... I can't relate to the teaching multiple grades while keeping little one's busy, etc... and they all have their own clicks, too. So, I've never really had that close girlfriend thing... at times it saddens me, I feel like I'm missing out...
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 Last edited by MamaBee; 12-10-2013 at 05:49 PM.
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#14
12-10-2013, 06:45 PM
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I'm very introverted and don't want many friends. Some people take that the wrong way, but I only have so much time and energy and being social takes a lot of energy for me. I want the time I spend with people to mean something. To have them know they mean something to me, so I don't take friendship lightly.
I have a couple of amazing friends I've known for almost 20 years. One lives in LA and the other in TN, but we keep in touch. I have a couple friends I've known for 5 years or less and that about does it for me. I have little desire to meet new people, but occasionally put myself in new situations.
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 Last edited by catgoddess; 12-10-2013 at 08:12 PM.
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#15
12-10-2013, 07:04 PM
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yea I literally have no friends really offline and I think that is mainly because I am shit at relationships and have zero self esteem and have no idea how to go about forging a friendship. That being said it does indeed make me feel sad and lonely a lot of the time, but I a too shy and anxiety ridden to put myself out there to do anything about it.
Online I have one best friend and a few acquaintances, but there are definitely some of those acquaintances I wish I could become closer to as I think they are just awesome people but again have no idea how to do that. Also as with Jenn, I am very introverted and after some time of social activity I really just need to be alone for awhile
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#16
12-10-2013, 07:24 PM
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So it's strange that my best friends, are guys?!?
Pretty much always has been that way. I have a couple of girl friends I'm close with. One has been a friend since Kindergarten, but it's definitely not one of those call you up BFF kind of friendships, its more of a one way street, me being the street that gets walked on and trampled over. One is a fairly new friendship, but she's amazing. We try to make time once a week to go to breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, shopping, something.
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#17
12-10-2013, 09:22 PM
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I don't have anyone like that either. I try hard to get friends to do things with me all the time. Then I get frustrated and feel like I put in all the effort and get sick of it, so I back way off and things fall off. Sucks. Plus if I ask someone two, three times to hang out and they just can't make it work, I assume they just don't want to hang out and stop asking completely. I am very hot or cold, I think.
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#18
12-10-2013, 09:26 PM
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As sad as we all are that we have trouble meeting friends in the real world we are blessed that we are in a day and age where we are able to make friendships online and relate to women and talk about this stuff with, kwim? Just think 20 years ago you wouldn't have had anywhere to turn to ask fellow women/FRIENDS about but you are able to here <3
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#20
12-10-2013, 09:30 PM
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I have one person (minus my husband) who I would classify as a best friend. She would be there for me in a heartbeat and well, I have other friends, but they're mostly fair weather (one thing that sucks about internet friends is they can't physically be there). I think what happens is we all get so involved with our families that friendships get pushed to the wayside. I don't think it's anyone's fault. It just takes two people to make an effort and more often than not, it's only one person who is doing that.
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#21
12-10-2013, 09:52 PM
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First off Yari, I've met you in person and you are perfectly lovely and not a bit repelling. If we lived closer, you could call me up anytime to go see a movie!
I think about this topic often. It's interesting how relationships evolve over time. My friends from young adulthood have moved, changed, etc ... I still maintain contact with many of them, but it's definitely less frequent. I wish I had more people in my life I could do things with, but I feel like life gets in the way of me actually cultivating those relationships (I'm tired after work, etc ... yada, yada, yada). Even though I'm extremely extroverted, I'm not good at initiating activities (but I almost always will go when invited). I don't have siblings, so I feel like I miss out on that type of relationship too ... but now I'm rambling 
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#22
12-11-2013, 12:53 AM
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I've posted about this before, but I have a large circle of local friends and we do things together often. I was just with 4 of them at a sports bar last night watching the football game.
We've been friends for about 15 years and I met all of them through my boys. Most of my friends have children the same age as mine. But it hasn't always been that we could get together often, it's just none of us have little kids anymore so we are more free to do things together.When our kids were little, we met once a week for coffee. I always brought stickers and paper for the kids to keep them busy while we chatted. It started with about 5 of us and as years went by, we added to it, and now there are 18 of us. We still call ourselves the "coffee group." (And I don't drink coffee. )I also have a smaller set of friends - there are 6 of us. We too have kids the same ages - I am the only one with kids still at home. For that group, we make it a point to celebrate our birthdays together. We even draw names every year for who gets to plan and execute the birthday celebration. And then we do a few more things together throughout the year. It takes a lot of effort and planning to maintain friendships. I think it's important when you find a few people you might have common interests with, to set up a regular time to get together. Then it's not about someone being the first to call. All that being said, I really only have 2 friends who love me unconditionally and that's my 2 sisters - who live 1300 miles away. 
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#23
12-11-2013, 12:22 PM
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Mary - I agree, it takes a lot of effort. I'm lucky to have quite a few girlfriends, both geographically and within the confines of my computer. At least one person in the group has to be willing to be pushy at scheduling things. And sometimes I have to be willing to do things I may not really want to. And with groups, everyone has to be ok with knowing that not everyone can attend everything without getting hurt feelings or you'll never end up doing anything because it's so hard to get all schedules to meld.
I love the idea of drawing names to plan birthday celebrations!
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#24
12-11-2013, 04:34 PM
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I think that we may not be the best group of women to ask, Yari, as this particular hobby -- one that is both sedentary/requires you to be in your house and is usually done alone -- will naturally attract more introverts and other people who have a harder time making friends than those people who have more active/leaving the house/must involve other people hobbies.
With that said, it CAN be done. I don't have many close IRL friends here in Indy due to financial issues (not being able to go out and join clubs or make plans), but I have two close GFs in my hometown (the only 2 close friends I have left from high school) that I make a concerted effort to contact and try to meet up with when I am visiting my family and will be around a couple days. I try to contact them as soon as I know what dates I'll be in town to hopefully avoid any conflicts in their schedule, and I have been known to meet them at 'odd' hours (10 pm at a local restaurant-bar for my single friend) or come to their house between other activities (a couple hours on a Saturday afternoon at my friend's house who has 2 little ones in between bday parties) in order to make getting together work for them. As an introvert, it can be exhausting for me to spend 3-4 days solid with my family and know I will be filling my 'downtime' with seeing my friends, but since neither of them travels to my neck of the woods, I know that I have to initiate contact. On the other hand, there are 4 ladies in my (local) Bible study that, no matter how hard I try to initiate contact or plan events, will not/cannot/won't meet for activities outside of our biweekly meetings, so I have had to 'drop the rope' there, so to speak, and focus my energies on other people and relationships. I think that's the other side of the coin, too: some friendships are worth the extra trouble and energy, and some aren't. Knowing the difference makes all the difference for your emotional health and sanity.
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#25
12-11-2013, 05:11 PM
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 Yari - move to Florida. I'll be your friend. I have lots of friends from college and people that I know at work, but I don't really have any close friends. People don't get my digital scrapbooking thing or their kids are so much younger than mine (so then it makes it hard to hang out). My last close friendship ended when I got this job and I travel different places every day. We couldn't count on going to lunch once a week anymore and then she stopped making the effort - so I let it go (plus she told me waaaayyyy too much about her relationship with her husband and I began to hate him which made it hard to do couple stuff.) Why is making friends so hard as an adult????
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#26
12-11-2013, 07:18 PM
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I have a small circle of close friends. I have a few friends still from high school still that I remain in a very close touch with and see/hang out/get together with at least twice a month. The biggest struggle for me is trying to find a time away from my kids where I'm not swamped with school work and have money. So I try to schedule things out pretty far in advance (well not that far but like a week or two) so I can plan and budget. This helps me make sure that I can do things with my friends. I also try to get new friends to meet my "old" friends so we can hang out in groups. I also love meeting new friends other friends and expanding my circle (while I may not become really good friends with them I'll be open to hang out with them in social situations).
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#27
12-12-2013, 12:13 AM
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I have a circle of about 6 very very great friends that I could call anytime of the day and they would be there......we don't always get together (I have small kids, theirs are all grown, we work in different places, some of them have 2 jobs) because sometimes it is just hard to plan around 5-6 peoples schedules....BUT that being said, when we do get together it is like we were just together yesterday and I LOVE that. And ususally it is for a whole night at one of their houses or a local bar....we have also been to Vegas together for my birthday and I love that they know everything about me and never judge.....we are all sooo different, yet all sooo alike
I wish I could make more time to get together with them, but sometimes life with small kids and family take up too much time and I am exhausted......but I agree that have internet friends is one of the best things ever There are ALOT of women here that I know if they lived closer, would be there in a heartbeat and I would be there for them
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#28
12-12-2013, 01:43 AM
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 Someday we'll be neighbors....maybe in the looney bin, but...hey it's a start right?!?!
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#30
12-12-2013, 03:19 AM
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Reading this made me feel kind of down and yet not alone. For years I have felt defective because frankly I cannot find/keep a close friend. I have tons of acquaintances but long for that close friend that you can share with. Honestly, I have almost given up on the idea. We live in a rural area and getting out there meeting people is difficult. DH and I have talked about this several times and he reassures me that there is nothing 'wrong' with me. But then again I have trust issues after having been hurt in the past by friends. So truthfully I am self conscious and wary. Ugh…it is stressful just typing about it:|
Staying at home with DD is what I want to do but it makes me feel isolated and lonely. What I really wish is that DH and I could find another family with a child DDs age to be friends with.
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#31
12-12-2013, 11:32 PM
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Yari, it's like you took the words right out of my mind!
I think when I met you for all of 5 minutes, I said the regular greetings - I was too nervous. You were not repelling at all! I can be shy, but once I know you, it gets a little easier. I open up, have a sense of humor! I don't put myself out there, it's a lot of work being a friend and I can be way to shy. I'm also intimidated by people I don't know sometimes, a bit afraid I will offend. Now, once I know you, then I usually speak my mind. I was having a rough September, and I asked a close friend to go out to chat and get drinks. She knew something was off... and by the end of the night - she couldn't get past how much I shared. It was funny and we joked about it, and it made me realize something. I am overly private at times, and want to be a good listener, a good friend - but then I don't realize that I don't share back. Since that night, we've actually gotten closer. I always feel that others will not remember me, I'm very forgettable, lol! There are lots of online friends that I would totally love to be closer to, even interact with more on FB/Forums... but I'm afraid. Even on FB, sometimes I wonder if I look like weirdo cause I liked or commented on things...it holds me back. I do think KCB is right in that we are lucky that we have our online friends. Sorry for the novel... (I feel like I should delete some of this, too much info, lol!)
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12-13-2013, 01:59 AM
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12-13-2013, 02:33 AM
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Where's Lydia? We need her too, 'cause good things come in threes, right?
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