Spinoff: Adoption

[scrapperjade]

I got thinking about this because of the "Offensive" thread. Dh and I have been discussing whether or not to have more kids. We want more, and have always wanted 2 (well, I'd like more, but DH is set on 2, so that's what we've agreed). So we have 1 already, that we had the old fashioned way .

But I got thinking to myself that it would be wonderful to adopt a child because we could give them a good life, you know? There are SO many children out there who need a loving home and we could provide that. I would love an adopted child just as much as my own biological child, no matter what nationality.

But then I looked into it... and I was blown away by the cost of international adoption and the paperwork and time it takes! I wish it wasn't so complicated! Seriously, there are children in NEED of a good home and in NEED of unconditional love, but they make it so hard to adopt! I know why there needs to be screening and all that, I understand. I just wish it was easier, thats all.

[lauren grier]

have you looked at domestic adoption? like through human services or whatever it is you guys have up there

[lauren grier]

ps I never understood why adoptions can cost so much money-- aside from the dhs ones that is.

[lizzyfizzy]

it's a sick world we live in, that they won't make adoption easier and more affordable. i would adopt in a heartbeat if we had the money and time to do it.

my sister, sarah, who is 26 wants to adopt and even though she has the money set aside to do so they won't let her cause she's single! and she's even willing to take on a child who's on the 'unhealthy' list. it's insanity. russia is the hardest to adopt from and the most expensive and they have the most orphans and ferrel children in the WORLD!! wth??

[scrapperjade]

Originally Posted by lizzyfizzy

it's a sick world we live in, that they won't make adoption easier and more affordable. i would adopt in a heartbeat if we had the money and time to do it.

my sister, sarah, who is 26 wants to adopt and even though she has the money set aside to do so they won't let her cause she's single! and she's even willing to take on a child who's on the 'unhealthy' list. it's insanity. russia is the hardest to adopt from and the most expensive and they have the most orphans and ferrel children in the WORLD!! wth??

Yes thats exactly what I mean Lizzy! There are countries with literally THOUSANDS of unwanted children, but yet they don't want them adopted out, or make it virtually impossible to do so. Its not fair!

[lizzyfizzy]

it's really not fair. AT ALL. and my heart bleeds for all the babies, toddlers, children and adolescents who will never know a mommy and daddy. it literally tears me up when i think about it too much.

[Paula]

I'd love to adopt another child or two since my baby factory is closed down. LOL But, I also looked at the cost, and it's really not something we can afford.

[Kim]

We looked deeply into domestic adoption because both my dh and I carry a recessive disease and were blown away at how long it takes, the hoops you have to jump through, price etc. I know it is well worth it, but its definitely a big job.

We found that it cost the price of a small car and that if you adopt a child that isnt Caucasian that you can get them sooner, but that the wait list for Caucasian babies was long.

The only reason we didnt look internationally is that they arent newborns anymore by the time you finally get them.

We are still considering it though.

[iJenny]

I believe (and I'm not an adoptive parent so I could be wrong) that the majority of the cost for a foreign adoption goes to the government of the foreign country for things like records and documents, passports/visas, etc. A lot goes in to adopting a child from another country, taking them out of that country, and making them a legal citzen of this country.
Not that I'm saying its fair. Its terrible that there are so many unwanted children around the world and only a small percentage of them will ever find forever homes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't China just close its doors to Americans for adoption? I thought I heard something about that last year.
Very sad.

[stayawake]

Jaedyn, friends of mine had a new-born baby girl in their arms only 9 months after starting the process for a domestic local adoption, and they didn't have to pay any fees. Most of the time we forget that she was adopted, because by some miracle she ended up looking like both her adoptive parents, Sweetest baby ever.
And one of my good friends sister adopted in BC, three siblings (the youngest was 2) and that process was quick. Less than 6 months, again no crazy fees.
I don't know that this happens all the time, but I am SO happy for these children who were adopted into the best families ever.
These are the only two adoption stories I know, but apparently they are exceptions and not the rule.



I was talking with my daughter (3) last night after she got a glimpse of the world vision commercial. She asked why the baby was so sad. I said because that baby doesn't have much food, and might not have a mommy or daddy. She said, Mommy why doesn't she come live with us? We could take good care of that baby. She could share my bed and my toys. My heart broke again. I really hope laws can change to make it easy enough for loving healthy families to adopt the children who so desperately need them!

[DawnMarch]

A lot of it really varies by the country you adopt from. The wait for babies from China (and the paperwork) is ridiculous (I think it's over 2 years now?). On the other hand, we adopted from Korea and it took about 9 months from the day that we said "hmmm, maybe we should adopt a baby" to the day she arrived. So, it was about the same amount of time as a pregnancy. And, frankly, I'd take the paperwork any day over morning sickness!

I don't know about every country, but I know in Korea, the money goes to foster families who take care of the kids while they are finding the right family for them, medical care, getting all the paperwork done, paying for the home study here, etc. The paperwork is a pain, there's no doubt about that, BUT it is important to make sure that babies aren't being (a) sold, (b) taken from parents under false pretenses which was happening in some places or (c) put into inappropriate situations.

The expenses can often be defrayed by (1) adoption tax credits, (2) employer adoption assistance and/or (3) adoption assistance programs -- our adoption agency has one of these for families who really want to adopt by can't afford the big, upfront payments involved.

So, anyhow, while it all sounds crazy and long and expensive, there are reasons for that and often ways to make it easier, once you look into it.

[Melissa Bennett]

There is another alternative for adoption without the huge costs, it just may cost some heartache, Foster/adopt. My 2 youngest are adopted through the foster care system. It is not an easy road emotionally but the end result is so worth it. My DD we got as an infant, picked her up from the hospital even. We were told we would probably be able to adopt her as the mother had already lost one child. Well 2 months into having her the paternal grandparents came forward for her. I was like okay, they are family that is good. But a friend at CPS told me that these grandparents had a huge CPS history themselves and that nobody in their right mind would place the baby there. Well after about 1 1/2 more months we found out they were indeed going to place the baby there. We fought them to not let that happen and well we lost. They placed her there when she was 4 months old. We got another placement of a little baby boy about 1 month later. We had him almost 2 years when I got a phone call from the social worker of the baby girl asking me if we wanted her back for adoption as she was being neglected and abused by the grandparents, duh. So we did and that year we adopted my 2 youngest. They are both just shy of 3 months apart. We have since learned that CPS knew these parents also had extensive criminal histories including the grandmother having 2 of her own children die and one has an unsolved homicide file. Okay, got carried away, my point is that this kind of adoption is a risk of the heart but the costs are so small and most states reimburse the adoption costs and ours were only around $1000 each. So if you are considering adoption this is an avenue to look at, there are so many children in the system already who need loving homes.

[hhleung]

Just a few comments/responses...

When I adopted my DD from China 6 years ago, I found that with the adoption tax credit and some reimbursement from my company, my final adoption cost was really only a few thousand dollars.

I could be wrong but I don't think China has closed its door to American adopters. I'm on a number of China adoption lists and I'm pretty sure there would have been a major uproar if that had happened.

Lizzy, if your sister is really interested in adopting, I think there may still be one or two countries that are open to singles. I'm a single adoptive mom myself and I can say that it's the best thing I ever did!!!!

Helen

[rachaelsscraps]

I want to put in my two-sense from my family's experience with over-seas adoption..... We live in Vermont, and every state has different laws....

(I didn't read all the posts, and I'm not responding to anything anyone said, except the post about Russia being the hardest to adopt from.)

A little info-
My parents wanted to have another child after having my sister, myself, and my brother- but we unable to (because the reversal of a preventive surgery was unsuccessful- not giving too much personal info...)
So, they started to look into adoption. First, of course they looked into domestic adoptions- adopting a child from the US. From what I recall, at that time, (I don't know if the laws have changed since), you first had to foster a child for like, 7 years before you can adopt them. In that time, if the birth-parents or grandparents wanted the child (back) and were seen fit by a judge- they could have them back. My parents didn't want to take that chance. (I'm going to be asking my parents more about this, because I don't remember all the details, but that's what I remember hearing them talk about when they started the process 11 years ago.)
So, they looked at international adoption....

They found a few adoption agencies and went thru one in New York (we live in Vermont, I so as of that time, they didn't have to be in the same state as you.) Through them, they were set up to adopt through Russia. The whole process took about a year and cost a lot, though I'm not exactly sure how much. Most of the fees are for paperwork and for the "donation" that you're required to give to the orphanage you go through.... then there's the cost of staying in a hotel during the courts, the courts costs and "donations", and more....

My parents were able to adopt my little brother Rossy about 10 years ago- in a closed adoption. This adoption gives all rights to my parents- except (as with all boys from Russia), if he goes to Russia between the age of, I think, 18-25 ish, he'll be automatically put into the Russian military.

About 7 1/2 years ago, my parents went to Kazahkstan to adopt a little girl (my sister Renee). This was also about a year-long process, but much harder because they first had to go to Kazahkstan for a month and a half during the "screening process" and rent an actual apartment. While they were going thru this process, they met and fell in love with my little brother Randy, and adopted him too... but they first had to go home and wait a few more months while the process and papers were going through, and then go to Moscow to pick them up. (For some reason, they had to go to Russia because I don't think there's a US embassy in Kazakhstan.) I was lucky enough to be able to go to Russia with them, and spent about a week and a half there. The process of adopting my brother and sister cost about $100,000 (not including the hotel, airline fees, and passports, food, etc. and we were required to stay at the Grand Marriott in Moscow- so it was EXPENSIVE!!!)

So, in my opinion, Kazakhstan was harder to adopt from than Russia....

Since I have some experience with international adoption, if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. Some answers, I may not know, since my parents were the ones doing the adoption, not me. But I can always ask them and give you the answer

[Melissa Bennett]

Hey Rachael, just wanted to say I don't know why your parents were told that about domestic adoption cause that is just not true at all. My oldest is a domestic adoption and was finalized within 6 months of placement with us. Also our foster/adopt adoptions our kids were 2 when we finalized. Every case with foster care is completely different. Some are quick adoptions cause the parents won't do anything to fix their situation, some take longer as the parents try, then give up, or they can take years cause the parents keep trying, give up, come back and well some state laws just give some parents way to many chances.

[scrapperjade]

Oh Melissa! That must have been so hard & heartbreaking for you to have DD placed with her grandparents! You must have a heart of gold to foster/adopt.

I have honestly thought about fostering, but I just could not do it. I am not strong enough. A girl I know does it, and she gets newborns. She had one little boy for about 6 months, but unfortunately had to give him back because the foster care system stopped reimbursing her and she couldn't afford it any more. She was devastated. Then she got a baby girl as an emergency and when she had to give her back to her demented mother, again, she was crushed. I know I would get too attached and I would NOT be able to do it...

[rachaelsscraps]

Originally Posted by lissab

Hey Rachael, just wanted to say I don't know why your parents were told that about domestic adoption cause that is just not true at all. My oldest is a domestic adoption and was finalized within 6 months of placement with us. Also our foster/adopt adoptions our kids were 2 when we finalized. Every case with foster care is completely different. Some are quick adoptions cause the parents won't do anything to fix their situation, some take longer as the parents try, then give up, or they can take years cause the parents keep trying, give up, come back and well some state laws just give some parents way to many chances.

I wonder if it's a Vermont thing.... but that's what my parents were told when they started the process. Hmm, I'm going to ask them more about that cuz I don't want to have wrong info in my post. Thanks

I also wonder if they were trying to adopt a certain child, with which all the hassle would've occured. I don't really remember, but I'll ask them....

[LeeAndra]

Jeff and I have recently discussed this issue.

While I would love to have 3-4 kids, not incl his son from his prev marriage, I don't think I'm up for 3-4 pregnancies spread out over the next 10 years. I'll be 30 next year, and he'll be 33 this summer, and I know he is not interested in babies after he turns 40.

What I would love to do is have 1-2 of our own & then 'fill the gap' between his son and our children (which would be at least 7 years difference in age) with 2 foster-adopt kids. Bonus: they're already potty-trained and can talk, walk, feed themselves, etc.

I'm just one of those horrible women who is not a pg/baby person.

I think it's the perfect solution as long as it's God's will, financially and emotionally feasible, and our agreed decision to round out the rest of our family.

[mlewis]

Originally Posted by DawnMarch

I don't know about every country, but I know in Korea, the money goes to foster families who take care of the kids while they are finding the right family for them, medical care, getting all the paperwork done, paying for the home study here, etc. The paperwork is a pain, there's no doubt about that, BUT it is important to make sure that babies aren't being (a) sold, (b) taken from parents under false pretenses which was happening in some places or (c) put into inappropriate situations.

The expenses can often be defrayed by (1) adoption tax credits, (2) employer adoption assistance and/or (3) adoption assistance programs -- our adoption agency has one of these for families who really want to adopt by can't afford the big, upfront payments involved.

So, anyhow, while it all sounds crazy and long and expensive, there are reasons for that and often ways to make it easier, once you look into it.

Yes, this was our experience with Korea as well. And, if we can afford it - anyone can. My DH is a 4th grade teacher in a state that is close to the bottom as far as pay scales, and I'm now a SAHM. We took some drastic measures - no vacations in years, our cars both have over 200,000 miles on them, we sold our house and live in a cheaper rental, but we were able to afford two adoptions and they were worth every single sacrifice!

[Stacey42]

We considered adopting from China or Korea after DS2 was born, but in the end financially it just wasn't possible.

I still want to adopt so we are looking into foster/adopt. There are so many older kids in foster care I feel that is probably where we are headed in another year. Younger than my own kids, but not infants, though a baby would be wonderful.

[lovely1m]

We plan to adopt from India some day. I checked into the process for a lot of other countries. Yes, Russia is now one of the hardest and a lot of that has to do with they require you to travel there and stay an entire month before you actually come back to pick up your child. So 2 stays, one of which is a month. Nigeria is one of the fastest with the least amount of restrictions, but my dh visited an orphanage in India and asked if we could do there instead. It will take a bit longer, but all well. As for foster to adoption, I just don't have it in me. I have thought about it, but its too much heartache for me.