dating and teenagers (probably pretty long)

[jessica31876]

I am so beyond frustrated right now. My daughter has had an on again/off again relationship with this boy for months now. Since somewhere around November I think. So here is what is making me so upset:

Valentines day her "boyfriend" and her decided they were not going to get gifts that week because they both got paid the next week. So his mom jokingly asked what did he get you and my daughter said nothing...then explains they are celebrating next week. So his mom starts teasing him about how he should have bought it last week or something and he gets all pissy about it and leaves the room. So about that time my daughter needs to get to work and she is the next town over so she asks if he could take her to work and he tells her find your own way to work. So ends up having to ask his mom and his mom ends up having to take her. He texts her and tells her he is done while she is on the way to work. On Valentines Day.

So they get back together again and they decide they are going to prom together. She buys the dress, shoes, tickets etc. Spent 400 dollars total before he decides he is not actually going to prom and texts her again to tell her he is done that it isnt working. She was really upset this time and you know the whole story there.

So then a couple days BEFORE prom he texts her and asks her what she is doing etc. and she at first doesnt talk to him but then she does. So she tells him she is going to prom as a FRIEND with one of her male classmates. HE HAS A FIT!! Tells her thats not right and he does not want them dancing together...And they are not even dating at this point. She is barely talking to him!!

So sometime between prom which was April 24th and now they apparently started dating again.

Last Saturday she was in the hospital and she was really sick. She slept from 9:30 Saturday night til probably 8 or so Sunday evening pretty much straight through. He called ONCE. He did not come to see her on Sunday because he was out FISHING. He was busy on Monday as well and as far as I know didnt call then either because I was there nearly the whole time.

So she is all mad at me because I told her I dont like him and really dont want him coming around here anymore. He is controlling & mean and I hate how he treats her. I know I cannot choose her boyfriend but GAWD I REALLY DONT LIKE THIS BOY!!

So what do I do? Sit back and continue watching this boy treat her like crap and honestly show some real serious signs of abusive behavior or do something? Do what though? She is 18 and 1/2. She is graduating in less then a week. She doesnt HAVE to do a single thing I say really. She is an adult. She knows how I feel about him yet continues to let him back into her life EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!!!

[kbbeale]

Girl, I'm sorry. I wish I had some advice...but I dont - I have three boys, aged 8 and under. I'm not looking forward to dating times, either. All I can say from a girl standpoint is that you cant tell her what to do (you know that already)....and she's gonna have to make her own mistakes. Tell her you'll be there for her when her heart is broken (again)....but you just want whats best for her, etc etc.

Hugs!!! I hope she wises up soon. I can imagine thats hard for you to see happening to your little girl.

Kristen

[lauren grier]

you can do nothing but be there for her.. it sucks, but thats how it goes

[BrattyMeg]

Sadly it will probably take her getting hurt over and over before she finally gets tired of it and says enough. I know when I was 18 I didn't listen to ANYBODY when told me the relationship I was in wasn't a healthy one. Teen "love" does crazy things to a girl

[jessica31876]

what really worries me is that he shows some early signs of abusive/controlling behavior. I know if I push it though itll probably just push her out the door which I dont really want and nobody here likes him. Not me, not my husband and not her 16 y/o brother (the younger one doesnt really know him so he doesnt say much)

[jessica31876]

We kinda had an argument tonight about him and about the fact that I *think* he has told her to stop talking to her best friend who just happens to be a guy also. Someone she has known for years she just suddenly decided she did not want to talk to anymore. She claims he had nothing to do with it but I dont believe her.

[jacinda]

Have you thought about writing her a letter? Put all your thoughts and feelings and love into it. Make it as non-judgmental as possible (is that possible?), but let her know what a healthy relationship should be, and why you are worried for her. Maybe even mention a time or two during your own teenage years where you felt the same as she does now (if it's true). Reaffirm constantly that you love her and want only the best for her. Tell her how strong she is and other postitive things like that. Leave the letter in a sealed envelope on her bed where she can find it. I would time it for a day when you're out of the house, so she can't throw it back at you immediately. Hopefully she will be curious enough to read it all the way through, then have a few hours to think it over. When you come home, don't say anything about it at all. Carry on as normal, and leave it up to her if she wants to raise the subject.

That is what I would do anyway. I would want to feel that I'd done everything I could to tell her how I feel, and counsel her in whatever way, and I know the spoken conversation can often get cut off when emotions are running high.

I am so dreading my girls becoming teenagers. Hugs to you and prayers coming your way.

[jessica31876]

we can talk about really anything but sometimes it is easier for me to write something down so writing a letter might help. I really want her to understand that its not right for him to be telling her what to do, where to go or who to talk to.

For instance he made a comment about a shirt she was wearing the other day. I picked the shirt out and I am REALLY picky on what she wears. I dont want her leaving the house in something that looks inapproriate or is to skimpy or whatever and she tried the top on before we left the store so I was ok with it. Here is what she had on(only hers is a greyish-blue):


Yes its straplss but its really fitted at top and flared out and pretty long. It came past her hips almost colvering her whole bottom its so long. She is really petite so its not like the top half was hanging out. She had on bottoms also obviously LOL. And he thought she should not wear it and asked her "Your mom let you leave the house that way?".

[jovi_girl]

hmmmmmmmm. I really dont like the sound of your last post. That really just screams controlling, mean and unhealthy doesnt it?

I dont really know what you can about it though. I like the idea of a letter, as long as you try to keep it positive. I can only go off how i was at that age, and if my mother had said to me that she hated my boyfriend and that he treated me like crap, i know i would have told her to go jump, and probably would have just stopped talking about him to her, or just started going to his place more so she wouldnt comment about it. Thats obviously not what you want.

She will eventually realise that she deserves better, but probably not before he breaks her heart (probably more than once). Its all part of growing up. I would just try to keep her close to you so you can monitor the situation the best you can.

I pray that when my little boy is a teenager, ive raised him well enough to respect the girls he goes out with. I'd hate for him to ever treat someone that way.

[ZaCola3]

I feel so bad for you-it must be so hard having a daughter that you feel is trapped in a horrible relationship!
I think you have to be honest with her-never relent...never allow her to think that the way he treats her is OK-maybe it will balance out eventually and the scales will tip in your direction.
I hope this issue resolves itself soon, for your peace of mind Jessica.

[glumirk]

I would be careful to make sure that she'll always come to you about things in her relationship. Many people go on for years being abused and don't have anyone to talk to about it because they are scared, or are worried about an "I told you so". Make sure that she knows that she can always come to you, and support her decisions as much as you can. She is an adult, she doesn't have to listen to you, and those rebellious teenage hormones can easily drive a wedge in your relationship. Be there for her through it all, and don't let her know of your disapprovement. Maybe tell her once, but let her know that you are supporting her decision since she is her own person. If it really is a controlling/abusive relationship, then she will really need to know that she can come to you.

It may not hurt to have some general relationship talks, like where you tell her all of the things you love about your husband. Or even just watch chick flicks where there are normal healthy relationships where the women are treated with respect. Maybe if she sees a healthier relationship she will decide that hers isn't working. She'll probably always be willing to go back to him until she decides to cut it off herself.

I've never been in such a situation, but I've seen it happen to my friends a lot, and it's horrible how much they will take because they still love the guy that they first knew, so they don't see how horrible he has become.

[jessica31876]

we have talked about relationships since she started dating. Ive told her how I think a boy should treat her and Ive told her no boy should ever tell her what she can do, who she can talk to, where she go etc. No boy should ever touch her and she should not touch any boy (because domestic violence can go both ways) and that she can come to talk to me about anything. She does too...like usually we will just be talking and she will tell me the little stories. Sometimes they are funny or sweet but then sometimes they are just disturbing to me. Like I have little alarms going off in my head saying thats not right or how it should be. So I say something. Sometimes it seems like she listens and other times it seems like she doesnt hear a word I am saying.

Honestly so glad my 16 y/o son is not really showing much interest in dating yet. I dont think I could handle two teenagers in the house dating and all the issues that come with that.

[ColleenSwerb]

I think that you're already a little bit ahead of the game, because she stills TALKS to you. She might not LISTEN to you, but you have open lines of communication with her, and soooooooo sooooo many parents of teenagers don't these days.

As a former "I'm not gonna listen to anyone, no one can tell me what to do, I know what I feel and it's love" teenager, I can appreciate the letter writing tactic. I feel like I vaguely remember my mom doing something like that, but I can't be sure. Anyway, I think it's a good idea if you can keep it positive. Talk in generalities, like "there are men and boys out there who don't know how to treat women right, who think they can control a woman" instead of naming the idiot boyfriend directly. It will feel more like you're looking out for her and less like you're attacking her/her relationship. Tell her that you cherish the good relationship that you have with HER, and that remind her that she can talk to you about anything even if you disagree about it. And leaving it for her to find and then never mentioning it again is a good thing too. She won't feel pressured to come up with a response, but hopefully it will plant a few seeds in her head about things. And then when she's ready, she'll talk and you'll listen.

She has to live her life and make her mistakes and learn from them (eventually, she'll learn), there's nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. But as long as she knows she can talk to you, it'll be a million times easier

[junebug]

this is a hard thing to deal with. i worry about this stuff when my girls are teenagers. and like people said before me, you can't really tell her what to do, but you can talk to her, which you have already been doing. i hope she realizes real quick that he's not good for her and she can do SO much better! she's such a pretty girl and somewhere out there is a boy that will appreciate and love her and not control her. good luck and ((hugs))

[my2monkeys]

I hope you don't mind me putting in my two cents.... but this whole story really reminds me of my first real boyfriend. He wasn't on again off again, but the whole abusive story just sets off a nerve. Our parents eventually became against the relationship and pressured us to break up but it really only forced us closer together. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I just didn't think I could get another boyfriend. You mentioning about him wanting her not to talk to her friends is another thing my ex did. I didn't know it at the time, but he somehow got me to stop being friends with ALL my friends (found out later that he threaten my best guy friend and threw him up against the lockers) by making me believe that they were against the relationship which they did become... I stopped having any contact with anyone other then him while at the same time going to those friends and telling them he didn't know what was wrong with me. I eventually did leave... but still to this day (and this was over 20 years ago) it was the hardest thing I ever did. For me several things happened... I got a summer job and more self-esteem because of it... and his behavior got really out of control after his brother passed away suddenly. I felt so bad about leaving months after the death but I really couldn't take his behavior any more.

I guess that was kind of long... so to recap... I would really watch pushing them to break-up because in the teen mind that may only push them together (them against the world kind of thing) and I would encourage her to do things that would build her self-esteem. I'm sure that he's telling her that she isn't worth a lot and she is buying into it at this time. I don't know how much help I've been... but her story really just struck a nerve with mine.

[joelsgirl]

I was in a similar situation in high school. It took me four years after the first time we broke up to really be over him. My poor mother tried everything she could do, including forbidding me to see him {which only made me sneak around to see him}, so I've always spend a lot of time thinking about what would have worked.

What if you asked her to really ask herself some questions, not answering to YOU but answering to herself. See if you can get her to really evaluate for herself whether this relationship makes her happy. Ask her if she loves him just the way he is or if there are a lot of things she wants him to change. Ask her if she would want her best friend to be in a relationship like this one.

I really think if someone could have gotten me to honestly evaluate whether I was actually happy in the relationship, I would have walked away a lot sooner. Instead I wasted four years of my life "loving" someone who never loved me at all.

I hope she is able to see the truth and get out of that relationship soon!

[joelsgirl]

I was in a similar situation in high school. It took me four years after the first time we broke up to really be over him. My poor mother tried everything she could do, including forbidding me to see him {which only made me sneak around to see him}, so I've always spend a lot of time thinking about what would have worked.

What if you asked her to really ask herself some questions, not answering to YOU but answering to herself. See if you can get her to really evaluate for herself whether this relationship makes her happy. Ask her if she loves him just the way he is or if there are a lot of things she wants him to change. Ask her if she would want her best friend to be in a relationship like this one.

I really think if someone could have gotten me to honestly evaluate whether I was actually happy in the relationship, I would have walked away a lot sooner. Instead I wasted four years of my life "loving" someone who never loved me at all.

I hope she is able to see the truth and get out of that relationship soon!

[jessica31876]

she just called to tell me she will be out of school at 11:00

so she said she is breaking up with him but for good this time. it is a long story but basically he has been being a huge jerk and she is finally tired of it. He lied to her about where he was and cancelled plans he had made then told her he would be fishing all weekend so he wasnt going to come and see her then either.

She is not really all that upset about it either. So realy this is a good thing. Hopefully he will stay gone this time

[lovely1m]

Teenagers are hard. I am not looking forward to that.

[jessica31876]

You have no idea!! I would honestly take a dozen two year olds over one teen ANYDAY!! Heck Id take 100 2 year olds over one teen most days LOL

Originally Posted by lovely1m

Teenagers are hard. I am not looking forward to that.

[laurabobaura]

unfortunately, you're right- you can't make her decisions for her. and i do believe that trying too hard to help could push her away. you're doing the right thing by letting her know that you're there.

i think jacinda had a GREAT idea. write her a letter...that way- you can get your thoughts out- but she won't be annoyed/irritated/get angry at you bringing it up again. let her come to you. everyone gets their heart broken at least once, i think. if you haven't, consider yourself lucky, kwim? this is a part of life.

[Balinda]

it really sounds like you are handling it well...
Maybe you can plan a girls night/weekend with just her where
you both just get away from it all and bond over some fun
NON-BF type stuff. It will be something she will remember and
it sounds like something you both really need.