seriously need to vent...Im so upset!!

[jessica31876]

So I know I posted about my daughter moving out in June right? Well since she moved out she has only come home when she needed soemthing (her birth certificate for her drivers license or for us to drive her to a doctors appointment-this was multiple times). We have driven to see her at least five or six times and we really do not have the money to make that trip because its like 30 miles each way and our car gets less then 15 mpg. But we made it anyhow. So my daughter calls me on Monday to tell me she is coming to see me and spend a little time here. So I was of course beyond thrilled!! Then she gets that call from the maintenance man saying he is in her apartment, freaks out and just goes straight back home. So I was like ok I guess I can understand that even though I told her it is perfectly normal for them to go in when you are not home.

So I finally got ahold of her Monday evening and I told her I missed her and asked if she could come back out sometime later in the week. She said yes I have the whole day off on Wednesday I will come out and spend the day with you. OK so today is Wednesday right? I was up bright and early and waited until probably 10 or so and fell back asleep but told my husband when she called to tell us she was on her way to wake me up. Well she never called to say she was on the way. So he called and called and she finally answers and tells him she cannot come out today because she doesnt have the car. I think that is a B.S. excuse because she told her boyfriend she was coming out here today so unless he was being an asshole she should have his car.

Well anyhow I sent her a text because that is easier to get ahold of her and told her I was upset she didnt come out and really missed her. She sent me a text saying dont try to give me a guilt trip because you know that is just going to piss me off. I was not trying to give her a guilt trip I do miss her. So I told her that it is just about me missing her. She has been gone almost four months and the only time we have spent together is when I have gone to see her. So then she sends me a text that says fine I just wont come see you at all anymore. Which of course has me really upset and crying.

Just an example of the stuff that has me upset is I invited her to dinner the other night and she told me no we are having dinner with my boyfriends parents and doing laundry over there.

So what am I supposed to do? I miss her so much and have only seen her for a few hours here and there when I go to see her and she only comes here when she needs something. And the fact that her and her boyfriend regularly go to see his parents and spend time over there really hurts. It especially hurt that they have dinner every week with his parents and when I ask her to come have dinner with me and her dad and brothers she says no we have dinner with his parents that night. Like she couldn't cancel just that one time to have dinner with us? And when I said well lets make plans to do it another night she just says ok some other night but never says when.

BUT we are in the middle of a lawsuit that will most likely be paying off in a few months (like November-December) and she has mentioned about a dozen times how she expects us to buy her a car when we get that settlement.

[MamaBee]

{{Hugs}} That is a rough situation... I'm sorry. Maybe if you told her how you felt, she would understand? She probably is spreading her wings on her "new" freedom and doesn't realize that she is hurting those that love her the most... I know if it was me and my mom, my mom would pretty much say if I expect her to buy me a car, I have to show some respect and visit.

[cheltzey]

I know that when my sister first got married, she pretty much abandoned our family. It's like she figured, "I have this new family now that I have to figure out. They'll be fine without me." It really hurt a lot of feelings (still does), but she seems to be coming around. Perhaps this is what your daughter is doing. She's trying to fit in with bf's family, and she's not quite sure how to work both families in. I'd give her some time, but keep reaching out to her.

And you shouldn't be buying her a car. If she chose to move out on her own, then she's on her own. You make choices and you live with them. You can't have it both ways.

[pewtertm]

((Hugs)) So sorry this is going on.

She's moved out, but is expecting you to buy her a car? Shoot, even if she lived at home, she would expect you to buy her a car? Part of living on your own and being a grown-up is taking care of your own needs. Sounds like it might be time to sit down like adults and discuss things...if something is going on that is keeping her from visiting, she should tell you what it is. You can't resolve an issue without discussing it.

I'm really having to bite my tongue because we've had some family stuff...kids expecting dad to buy things for them...he does hoping they'll appreciate him/show more love...they get what they want and basically drop all contact or treat him like garbage. There's no respect there at all, and the giver winds up resentful or more hurt than before.

[BrattyMeg]

I agree with Rebecca..she's got this newfound freedom and we were all 18 once and do not wanna go back home after we've left. Next time you invite her and she says she can't make a new plan right then on the phone. Tell her how you feel and that they make him for his parents so you'd expect the same in return. She's probably walked all over you so much in the past that she knows she can get away with it.

I would NOT buy her a car :0/ I might help her get one but that's not teaching her anything if you buy her one.

[jessica31876]

Im not sure Im even going to help her buy the car now. We (well mainly my husband) has located many cars really cheap with minor issues and everytime she says no I dont want that one. So we both stopped looking after about the third time.

This is the first time though she was this hurtful and had me this upset. I mean I had planned on having the whole family go out together in a really long time and was just so looking forward to that. When we go see her its usually while the boys are in school. When she has stopped here its an in/out type visit and she usually has her boyfriend with her. So since she moved out the whole family has not all been together for more then a few minutes and she cant understand why Id be so upset over her not coming today???

[crecia27]

awww that sucks! Unfortunately (based on experience with mine that just moved out) I think its normal for this age. When I complained to my mom she reminded me that I didn't call much at that age either. They are just finding themselves and enjoying their freedom, its not that she doesn't love you anymore!

As of the car, don't let her guilt YOU into something! She is old enough to move out and think she can make it on her own, then make it on your own. Again, I know how hard that is and have been known to slip some cash to my son when my husband wasn't looking! ;-)

[Nettio]

Originally Posted by crecia27

They are just finding themselves and enjoying their freedom, its not that she doesn't love you anymore!

Yes, this. I've gone through this with each of my sisters (and I know I was guilty of it too). I think at that age you're still learning how to juggle everything and trying to find a balance between spending time with family and your boy can be tough. I really wouldn't take it personally and in fact, I'd really caution you about being too pushy about it. I know it's hard for you too, but we went through this with my MIL and all she did was make my DH angry for feeling like she was forcing him to choose between her or me. My situation was a bit different (she was angry we spent time with my family when they were two hours away from us - and she was several states away ) but the guilt trips she gave my DH didn't exactly endear him to wanting to make the trek to see her or even chat with her on the phone. Hang in there, I promise it'll get better over time.

[jessica31876]

yea she does this alot. Like Meg said she does walk all over me. She has even said in the past she knows I will be there for her no matter what she does to me. Which is totally true. She will most likely call in a few days and say she is sorry and that she loves me and was having a bad day or something.

[lauren grier]

If my mom texted me and said she was disappointed and missed me etc.. I'd probably react the same way... and I'm 28 ^_^ (well the.. don't guilt trip me etc.. not the buy me a car damnit part that's lame). Honestly.. I'd just let it be.. she'll come around when she's ready. She's not a little kid anymore and needs to go out and do her thing. You push her too much, you guilt her too much, she's not ever going to want to come around. I didn't see my parents for years We're just dandy now. It's just part of growing up.

[ColleenSwerb]

Originally Posted by lauren grier

If my mom texted me and said she was disappointed and missed me etc.. I'd probably react the same way... and I'm 28 ^_^ (well the.. don't guilt trip me etc.. not the buy me a car damnit part that's lame). Honestly.. I'd just let it be.. she'll come around when she's ready. She's not a little kid anymore and needs to go out and do her thing. You push her too much, you guilt her too much, she's not ever going to want to come around. I didn't see my parents for years We're just dandy now. It's just part of growing up.

I had to laugh, cuz this is me too.
I went to college 4+ hours away from home at 18, and my mom had to require a sunday night phone call. And you can bet that if I didn't call, I had an email waiting for me that she wrote at 5am when she got up. And yes, I hated it, but I got over it. And I never talked back to my mom or walked all over her. So if *I* was that resistant, I can only imagine.
Even just recently we hadn't talked in a few weeks and she decided to call. She's gotten better about the guilt trips. It takes time on both your parts to get used to the new way things are now. It's a hard transition for everyone.

[LeeAndra]

The fastest way to get her to come around is to let her be. If she calls and you're busy, let it go to VM. If she texts and you're in the middle of something, finish what you're doing. If you make plans with her and she breaks them, let her initiate contact afterwards.

She honestly believes that she is the center of your universe (which might very well be true) and that you and the rest of the family pause in space and time when she disappears from your view. You need to let her know that, in fact, life does go on for you and her dad and her brothers even when she is not there and that while you'd love to see her and spend time with her, you're not going to drop everything especially with her recent history of cancellations and broken promises.

She probably also feels responsible for your happiness (or lack thereof), so you need to make sure to not burden her with that responsibility.

Hopefully, she will realize that's how adults act with one another and come around more often when she doesn't feel pressured to do so.

Good luck! I know it's hard.

[MandaT]

I think you've got some excellent advice in here.

Just wanted to say, good luck. Hopefullly with a little space & lots of patience she will figure out that family is important & it's not very productive to demand things without giving a little first.

[DawnMarch]

I don't blame you for feeling hurt -- she is not being very thoughtful. I do think its normal behavior for her age though. When I went off to college, I have to say that I didn't call home or visit much. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and I missed her, but I was having way too much fun out with my friends to want to go home! And some people are much more "out of sight, out of mind" types -- again it doesn't mean they don't love their families, they just get wrapped up in the here and now. I also tend to agree that for someone who is seeking independence, having someone else appear "needy" is going to make them want to stay away even more. In short, I'd give her some time and space -- she'll come around.

[Gabbina]

*Hugs* so sorry this is happening.
I understand the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, sure is that if my mum texted me (and the texting thing would be amazing itself...) to say she miss me and to come home, I would run home to hug her. I can't stand to see her sad or crying. I'm sure she loves you very much and misses you lots too.

[DeepGirl]

Originally Posted by lauren grier

If my mom texted me and said she was disappointed and missed me etc.. I'd probably react the same way... and I'm 28 ^_^ (well the.. don't guilt trip me etc.. not the buy me a car damnit part that's lame). Honestly.. I'd just let it be.. she'll come around when she's ready. She's not a little kid anymore and needs to go out and do her thing. You push her too much, you guilt her too much, she's not ever going to want to come around. I didn't see my parents for years We're just dandy now. It's just part of growing up.

Made me LAugh!

We had an opportunity to buy an apartment in the same house where my mom lives... just two stairs below her apartment. We don't see each other as often as one would think, because we all have our own lives. Mom used to be (and she still is) pushed by grandma; she still insist on her to call her several times a day even though mum visits her every.single.day (grandma is 80 and grandpa is 85), when mum travels on a business trip or even for a vacation, grandma blames her for 'leaving her alone'. You know, it's an extreme, but the principle is the same.

That's why mum is very aware of doing the same to me what grandma does to her.

Yeah, as the saying is: 'If you love someone, set her free…'

Originally Posted by cheltzey

And you shouldn't be buying her a car. If she chose to move out on her own, then she's on her own. You make choices and you live with them. You can't have it both ways.

I agree. If she decided to live independent, she must be able to live on her own...

[g8rbeckie]

This may not make you feel any better, but you raised her to be strong and independent! She is becoming an adult and making her own choices about how to spend her time. I was one of those kids who pretty much "disappeared for a while" after I left home. It had nothing to do with how much I loved my family, but more about me trying to find myself and get "my life" started.

Having said that - absolutely do NOT buy her a car. She's an adult, on her own, making choices about where she lives, and how she spends her time. Along with the privileges of being an adult comes the responsibilities of being an adult - which means supporting herself financially.

Be very careful when you talk to her about this so that she realizes you're NOT punishing her for not visiting, but really that you recognize that it's her life, she can make her own choices and you're proud of her independence.

and mama, be ready to let go. I moved out of state and really didn't get back to visit much after that. ( I called to talk all the time though!). Now that my parents are retired and I have kids, we see each other much more often. Even though they live about 10 hours away, we see each other every 3 months or so. I want my kids to know and love their grandparents and they love every minute spent with my kiddos as well

[Sharon Kay]

My 2 cents ... you move out on your own ... that is exactly what you are ... ON YOUR OWN. Buy your own car. That is pure brattiness in my opinion that she says that to you. Sounds like you really could use the money ... and would be good to have some extra in the bank.

I do think you need to not push so much ... I am sure it is VERY hard ... but I think it might make her visit less. Involve yourself with the rest of the family ... but be there if she needs you but don't neglect the rest of them. She has to figure out who she is and how to be independent (and you can help by not buying her a car).

Now on the dinner, visiting stuff ... I remember that ... it was hard figuring out what to do ... excited about a boyfriend ... being invited to his parents ... his parents had a standing (almost demanding) once a week dinner ... and then extra days for holidays, birthdays, etc etc etc .... I am sure my mom had a hard time with it for awhile. It took awhile before I figured out how to BALANCE it ... because the other "incoming family" didn't have family IN TOWN so they didn't have to balance it. I was the only one. Eventually I figured it out ... although my in-laws NEVER did like having to share with my side of the family. After 26 years ... there is STILL comments made from the in-laws side when we miss a Thanksgiving ... even though they have NEVER EVER in 30 years had to give up their son (or us) on Christmas Eve ... and I had to give that up entirely with my family. I have had to set the foot down firmly at times and say NO It's my family's turn ... but that took many many many years before I actually did that ... and missed out on a lot with my mom and sister.

[Paula]

You've been given great advice, but the best advice is from LeeAndra! As hard as it may be, just don't be available to her when she wants you to. After a few times, she'll realize that she should have been treating you better and that she needs to have better respect for you.

Also, I would not buy her the car. I also agree with Sharon Kay, she's moved out and that means she's on her own. She needs to buy her own car.