Can we talk home repairs/man stuff?

[MissKim]

Ok, so I'm trying not to be sexist, but I am so tired of handling all the home repair stuff around our house. I am always the one to call the plumber, the electrician, the doctor, etc. My husband never does those things.

Woke up this morning to the sound of water coming from the area of our outside faucet. DH says, "What's that sound?" I said, "Sounds like the pipe burst near the faucet. Go look." My DH actually stood there looking at me like I was crazy for asking him to go confirm we had water gushing from under our house (we live in a double wide... I actually love it, but that's another story). So guess who had to call in to work so I could stay home and wait for a plumber. We also have 2 minor plumbing issues in the house that I have been putting off because I didn't want to mess with taking off for a plumber, so if the guy gets here early enough, I might get those taken care of.

My dh refused to attempt to turn out water off at the main, and when I begged him to stay until the park guy arrived to turn off the water, he just got in his car and went to work. He absolutely refuses to take off work, and refuses to alter his hours any. He goes in at 7, runs his route and is home early. He could run an hour late one day and get home an hour later, but he simply cannot see that possibility. He's a Schwans man so he's in charge of his own route so making a change would not be a huge thing. However, he just cannot break out of his box to accomodate anything else.

The kicker was when I was begging him to stay and handle this because I've missed 5 of the last 9 days of work/school. Two of those days were district snow days, but the other 3 were when I took off to be with his family because Dan refused. He actually said, "You didn't have to take off to help my brother."

Then I cried.

Ugh. I just really needed to vent. Been one of those months where everything just keeps getting piled on. Had to cancel our summer vacation reservations this morning so we'd have enough money to cover the anticipated plumbing bill. So I need the cry and the vent. Thanks.

[SweetMelissa]

I'm sorry that your husband is like that. I hope your plumbing problem gets fixed & doesn't cost a lot.

Mine is the complete opposite. He thinks he can fix anything and then it gets to the point where I tell him to stop, leave, go do anything else and call someone to fix the main problem and whatever else he made worse.

[MandaT]

(((hugs)))
Hope your morning/day gets better.

ugh! Men!!

[Keely~B]

I just want to give you a big hug Kim. I've got nothing, that would be a big problem for me too. I hope you catch a break soon.

[MamaBee]

I have nothing to add... I just wanted to give you a big hug!

[crecia27]

I don't have any great words of advice, but I'm thinking of you and empathize greatly! Hang in there!

[HeatherKS]

Ugh. I'm sorry he is being like that. My dh is very similar and on top of that he travels a lot so it's usually me dealing with that type of stuff. It's very frustrating. Hope the fix is quick and painless and your day gets better! *hugs*

[lovely1m]

Oh, I am sorry to hear that. Hugs!

[ColleenSwerb]

Well, my first inclination would have been to throw something at him as he drove away, lol. Like a snowball, just to get my frustrations out.

Maybe you could sit down and have a talk with him about how this bothers you? Maybe he's just not comfortable attempting to do any home repairs, and since you've handled it in the past he assumes you'll take care of it now. Some men are really not comfortable dealing with that sort of stuff at all. They never learned as a kid or never helped their Dad/Uncle/Brother/Whatever, and they're too afraid they'll mess it up or make it worse. It might help you deal with it better if there was a reason behind his behavior, know what I mean? Not that he should have been such a jerk, that was unnecessary, but I know my DH gets totally frustrated when I start getting emotional and crying about things and he would much rather run away than deal with me, lol.

Example. Jordan is afraid of heights, and therefore hates ladders. One side of our house sees no direct sunlight, so every fall we need to power wash it to remove the mildew that builds up on the siding. The problem? Jordan never remembers that he hates heights and ladders until the job is halfway done, and then he's uncomfortable going any higher up. This usually occurs in November (because he never thinks to do it earlier when it's warmer) and around sunset (because he procrastinates all day). This means that I have to drop what I'm doing to finish the job, because that stuff doesn't bother me. It makes me downright irate that he fails to take this stuff into consideration and it happens EVERY. YEAR. I get mad, I take my anger out on the mildew on the house, I go take a long hot shower (because it's never done until after sunset, and by then I'm soaked and freezing), I don't talk to him for a few hours, he apologizes, and we're good to go. LOL!

[ariesfl326]

Well my boyfriend is kind of similar but it really depends on the severity of the issue. For instance we had a leak from the upstairs bathroom that took several times for the repairman to fix. Each time my boyfriend did handle it but not without me nagging some. As for daily chores, forget it!!! Drives me nuts so I do understand your frustration. Hope it gets better for you!

[MissKim]

Unfortunately, I'm almost certain he is an adult with autism, so anything having to do with talking on the phone, making appointments, changing his routine... just doesn't happen. I know this. I work with children with autism. I understand. It's just SO frustrating to deal with him as a partner because he's NEVER there when I need him. I remember when I was being admitted to the hospital during my 3rd pregnancy because my blood pressure was off the charts and they were going to start me on anti-seizure meds (and then induce). He said, "So you want me to quick my route now and come to the hospital?" He was flabbergasted that I was ask such a thing. And this whole situation with his brother, his wife and the babies... it would never occur to him to ask if his brother needs help, let alone volunteer to stay with the babies or Dave overnight. He just does not see needs and fill them. It's not so much that he wouldn't do it, he just wouldn't even think of it. He gets better all the time, simply because I won't let him live in that little shell he's built. It's scary though because I see it in his dad (and mom, to a lesser extent) and in my son. His mom actually asked me why there's suddenly a bunch of kids being diagnosed with autism. I laughed and told her that there's always been people with autism, we just labelled them shy or withdrawn or they adapted within their world.... and then gave my husband a pointed look.

Now the plumber is running behind (of course) and I only have a sub through noon, so it looks like I may have to get the emergency taken care of today and then set up a time to do the rest tomorrow. He'll be fine with that. He has just enough social skills so that if someone else sets up a situation, he can work within it. He simply cannot initiate the contact, and he cannot fathom doing it when it needs to happen outside his routine.

Thanks for listening to my vent. I really do know the man I married, and I should be OK with it. It's these times in the clutch when I really need him and he absolutely can't break that box that it just overwhelms me.

[ColleenSwerb]

Ah, that's a different situation entirely, I understand.

Well hey, we're always here for venting.

[Leah]

Aww Kim, I hope your day gets better.

My DH is the know-all/fix-all kinda guy. Problem is...it's always for someone else. To get him to complete a project at our house is like pulling teeth - I might as well do it myself (and I will if pushed...then he gets scared! haha)

It sucks.

[FireWolf]

Big, huge hugs for you!!! I can relate since I too am married to an adult with autism. 'Nuff said.

[Nettio]

*Hugs* Kim, I can see how that would be really frustrating. Would it work to sit him down and create a plan ahead of time? Kind of a "if this happens, then I need you to do this" kind of thing so that he knows what's expected of him beforehand? Then when you're in that kind of a situation, you can just remind that it's something he already agreed to do so it's not a surprise?

I don't know anything about autism so I don't know if that would still be too much of a change in his routine, but I tend to deal with similar issues when it comes to phones and appointments and I know I have a much easier time when I know ahead of time that something is my responsibility. When Adam springs something on me (even if it's just to call for pizza, haha), it is much harder for me to deal with.

I'm lucky in that Adam is really handy around the house but he's also gone a lot which means I'm often on my own to deal with things. So I definitely understand that feeling of being overwhelmed by having everything fall onto your shoulders. It's not fun.

[*Celeste*]

big hugs to you kim! i'm sorry that it's all falling to you.

[emmasmommy]

i'm so sorry kim!!! (((hugs)))

[MissKim]

Originally Posted by Nettio

(even if it's just to call for pizza, haha)

Dan has never ordered pizza. The worst thing is that he can't do it himself, but he will criticize how I handle things. You gave some great tips, though. We do need to sit down and talk through different situations.

On the plus side, the emergency this morning was a super easy fix. While the plumber was here, I had him look at the stuff I've been putting off. We'll end up getting a new shower head and faucet in our shower and a garbage disposal. I have to go to a training this evening from 4:30-7:30, so I hope plumber dude is done before I have to leave, but if not the kids are here and can handle it.