WWYD...

[emmasmommy]

back story....
my best friend lived 3 houses down from me. my kids and her kids have grown up together and more often than not, we just let them walk back and forth between the houses as they want (as long as we know they're going to/from). about, oh, february last year, a new family moved in next door to them. i know nothing about the family, just that they have a son who is the same age as emma and that they'll be going to school together next year...OH...and that the grandpa watches him during the day.
after they'd moved in, he befriended my BF's son. he all but disappeared from our house, and when he did come down here to play with my kids, he always had the neighbor boy with him. fine, whatever, he's a boy, why wouldn't he want to play with another boy?
we all felt sorry for the boy because he didn't know anyone here and his parents were having him finish off the school year at his old school so he didn't have to switch at the end of the year.
soon enough, we find out that this boy is well, difficult to say the least. he's gone into our friends' houses when they aren't home, looking to see if the kids are there. he crashed emma's birthday party because he 'wanted to play with ryan (my BF's little boy).' since my BF moved away, he's sort of become a fixture at our house when the kids are outside.

now, here comes the part where i'm seeking advice. i don't mind if he's here while we're outside, i really don't, but i don't know him or his family, and i don't really want him in my house. he's rough. he's crass. when he's here, my kids and nephew do things they wouldn't normally do and it's getting me extremely frustrated.
last night, he was standing outside of our yard on the sidewalk in front of our house waiting for us to come outside (i guess), so while i was down in the basement putting clothes in the dryer, emma decided it'd be a good idea to run outside to play with him. Ummmmm, whaaaat? no, that's not allowed in my house. you're going outside you TELL someone you just don't take off.
so, today, i make them all come inside for lunch and quiet time. mads still naps so i make emma and levi come inside for quiet time. it's a gorgeous day out so we have the windows open. well, about 1/2 an hr after we've been inside, i can hear him standing in front of our house, riding his scooter back and forth, back and forth....and my dog is going NUTS. i yell at the dog because i'm positive he's going to wake mads up, and i see the boy, WITH his grandfather, in front of my house, and i hear the boy say, 'uhoh, someone's in trouble!' well, he left shortly after i yelled at the dog, but about 10 min later, i hear him AGAIN. finally i go to the front door and say, 'the kids can't come outside to play right now.'

what am i supposed to do here? my kids have rules, this kid obviously doesn't follow the same set of rules...and i WILL NOT tolerate my kids behaving the way that he does. am i in the wrong to reprimand him when he's in my yard? he has no adult supervision other than me when he is here. i'm seriously SO glad that summer is almost over. i can't take much more of this.

[heathergw]

I wouldn't call telling him or even yelling that the kids can't come outside to play right now reprimanding him.

Did he leave or is he still standing around in front of the house?

[nun69]

I would say go talk to the grandfather or the parents...my kids DO NOT go outside in the front without one of us...simply becuase mine are only 4 & 5 and will totally TAKE OFF! my 10 y/o is allowed to go out and about, but we always know where he is and he knows he is not allowed at anybody's house unless we know about it...sounds like you need to have a long chat with them and let them know how things roll at your house~

[emmasmommy]

he did leave. i think more because i scared him than anything. i know as soon as we head back out there he'll be back. i just can't stand the way my kids act when he's here.

have i mentioned i hate confrontation? gah.

[aggiefamily]

Tell him that it is your house/yard and your rules. He can either cooperate or he will be asked to go home.

[julifish]

What Amanda said.

When you come to play at our house we follow our rules. I have no issue in telling my children's friends that no, they can't do what is driving me insane. I just say...AT the Fish house we don't yell inside, please don't yell inside. If they do it again I tell them I'm sorry but we don't yell inside if you can't follow the rules then you are going to have to go home.
I've never had to send a kid home. I'm also prety strick and mean and they know what they can get away with. I'm also known to make kids visiting my house help with my kids' chores. LOL! More hands = more mess = they have to help clean up!

This poor kid is probably boared to tears and just needs someone to play with. He might now know what is right or wrong or expected. I would just tell him the rules and if he's too rough or does bad things then you have to send me home and your kids come inside.

Now the going outside without telling you part...that's your child's fault. They have to follow your rules and a time out or punishment for something where their life could be at stake is certainly warranted. Part of growing up is playing with other kids and learning new things. Your kids probably see and know he's acting bad and are trying to see if they can get away with it to. Have you asked them what they think about the way he is acting? Is it right or wrong? What should they do in that situation? Use this as a teaching tool and as your kids get older you'll learn all about helping your kids pick good friends. Sometimes it's out of your hands and you have to deal with what you get...like what you are going through now.

[taracotta7]

Oh girl, you didn't scold that boy! You just stated a fact. I agree with the advise that is given. Hang in there! School is just around the corner! ((HUGS))

[MamaBee]

oohhh... It if were me, I'd tell the kid to go home... if he isn't going to respect your property (your rules included)... he isn't allow to be there... I'm not a babysitter for other people's kids.

[DawnMarch]

First, I totally agree with your house/your rules. I mean obviously you can't really discipline the kid without talking to someone in his family but you certainly have the right to talk to him about your rules vs. his behavior and, if necessary, send him home if he won't obey the house rules.

I know you don't know the grandfather, but if you get the chance, could you explain about your nap/quiet time and the dog situation? Do you think he'd be receptive to your explaining that during, say 1-3, his grandson shouldn't stop by to check to see if your kids can come outside because that is their naptime so the boy will just be disappointed and it'll wake up your kids? Maybe you could soften it by talking about how much your kids love to play with the grandson, etc.

[jaylensmom]

If it was me I probably wouldn’t let my little guy play with him. I know I can be over protective but hey I don’t want my child to be negatively influenced by another child. And where is the grandfather or the adult when he is playing outside? My sister has a friend and she had reservations about one of her son’s friends that lived near them…Long story short the boy ended up stealing some of her son’s clothes…the boy told him he would trade him his new clothes for his old ones…Some kids are exposed to more and therefore see and know things that other kids wouldn’t know about at a certain age…

[Misty Cato]

When it comes to my kids' friends, I pretty much have an open door policy. Anyone is welcome. I'm of the mind that I would rather have the neighborhood here at my house, than my kids running around the neighborhood.

I do exactly what Juli said, "We don't (swear/hit/jump on the couches...) here. If you want to stay, you'll need to stop." I've only had to follow up once and escort a kid home. It really seems to work.

As far as not liking how your kids behave when he is around, you might be able to use this as teaching moment (at least for your oldest). We recently went through this with our 6yo. Until last year, his friends have been the kids of my friends. Over the past year we he's been making his own friends at school, soccer, etc. Some of said friends are fabulous and others behave in ways that we wouldn't find acceptable. DH and I sat down with our son and discussed the fact that there are all different kinds of people and they behave in different ways. We talked about selecting trusted friends while being friendly and showing compassion to all. Most of all we discussed choosing his own behavior based off of the kind of person he wants to be, what it takes to be a leader for positive change, etc. It's been an ongoing discussion over the course of this year (and probably for years to come), but he really took it to heart.

I certainly don't suggest you play babysitter. If you can't have someone over because of other plans, family time, unable to keep and eye on them, etc. By all means, send the kid home.

[emmasmommy]

rachelle, you've hit it on the head. this boy has led a HARD life, and while i feel sorry for him, he also needs to know that i won't tolerate that type of behavior in my home.

i did sit him and emma down and had a talk with them. i explained that emma has rules she has to follow and while they aren't rules he has at home, while he's at my house, he has to follow my rules. i wasn't mean, just stated the facts.

he left about 5 minutes after i talked to them.

was i sad? ummmm, not at all LOL

[emmasmommy]

misty, i'm definitely going to sit her down and have that sort of talk with her. she is most definitely trying to find out where her boundaries are and while i may be a tad bit overprotective and not allow her to do all the things her friends do, that's how the rules in my house are.