NSBR: Need Perspective (long)

[LeeAndra]

Short(ish) backstory: My paternal grandmother passed away in August. My father is the executor of her estate including the condo (and all the furniture inside) she owned. Sometime next year, he and his two siblings will inherit a sizable (5 to 6 figures each) chunk of change. He and his siblings have already been through the condo and taken the sentimental and valuable items they wanted. My sister and I were allowed to go through and take a few things (e.g. fan, her old TV, etc.), but all of her estate was left to my dad and his siblings and not any of the grandchildren or great-grandchildren. My parents do not have any debt outside of their mortgage, and my father makes a good salary. His siblings are more well off than my parents are.

Present situation: I asked my father what they were planning on doing with my grandmother's washer and dryer as we (DH and I) do not have a set at our current place. This is a set my grandmother bought for herself, and while it's a fine set, it's 4-5 years old and not high efficiency and/or front loading e.g. a pretty average set. He balked at the idea at first and said he wanted to include them in the sale of the condo, but I guess has now changed his mind and is 'allowing' me to have them. 'Allowing' me to have them requires that my DH and FIL rent a truck (and pay to gas it up), drive the 5 hours roundtrip to my grandmother's condo to pick up the set, and load and unload the set onto and off the truck.

Other circumstances: My parents and my sister and BIL are the only local family. Both my parents and sister have a newer HE washer-dryer set than the ones my grandmother owned. Including a washer and dryer in the sale of a condo does not add that much intrinsic value to the home, and if my father were to sell them to someone and/or on Craigslist/Ebay, he would at most get $200-$300 for them.

Question: When my mother emailed me last night to let me know that I was now allowed to have the washer and dryer, she sent a follow up email reminding me that I needed to 'gush with gratitude online (email) and in person' for Dad's generosity and that's 'just the way he is.'

AM I MISSING SOMETHING?! Sure, I am appreciative of having a washer and dryer. Sure, I would have thanked my father in person in a genuine and heartfelt way abt being given his mother's washer and dryer. But 'gushing with gratitude?!' Really?! A father who is going to inherit tens of thousands of dollars next year, works fulltime, and has no debt allowing his needy daughter to have a used washer and dryer worth $200 (which will cost her $100 to remove and transport to her own house), and that's just such a generous move on his part?? I really don't get it, but I realize I'm biased abt the situation, so I thought maybe you guys could tell me if I'm acting entitled or like a spoiled brat and not seeing how truly generous and over the top he's being abt this issue.

[cardinalskate]

I just wanted to offer a hug and say that family sure can suck sometimes. They just don't always see it from other people's perspective, sometimes ESPECIALLY because it's family. I think, because I'm "on your side," that I feel like he's being unreasonable. "That's just the way he is?" He sounds a bit egotistical. (But this is your father, so I don't want to say mean things!! LOL Don't hate me!)

[MamaBee]

{{Hugs}} Dealing with family sure can suck, can't it? This sounds like what would happen on my hubby's side of the family, except you would be expected to pay the current value of the washer/dryer along with hauling it yourself... somewhere along the line, helping each other out in a family has been lost... I'm sure your dad had help somewhere along the line from his parents or other family members... but they tend to forget that.

It could be that your father is stressed out, if this is out of character for him... or what your mom didn't mean how it sounded?

[MommaTrish]

Hmmm.... I might be slightly biased too... but in the opposite direction...

I don't think your dad is being that genuinely hugely generous, I will say that, and I will say him balking so much at letting you get them would piss me off too, and the way your parents are handling the whole thing with you getting to have them.

BUT...
I don't think that there is anything that says he even has to let you have them. After John's grandmother died and those of us who were directly mentioned in the will got what we wanted - we made the family BUY the things left that they wanted, nothing was given to anyone - especially not in terms of appliances. Because even if they are older and not worth a ton, they still add to the value of the selling price of the house.

But I can tell you the reason the executor of John's grandmother's will did this was so that no one could say "Hey! That's not fair! How come they get that and I don't?" Doesn't matter if someone needed it - as in genuinely needed something - there would still be fighting. Hell, people who were mentioned in the will were mad that John was included in his grandparents' children thus taking the division amount from 1/7 to 1/8. It didn't matter to these people that his grandparents had custody of him from 18 months old and raised him with no help or contact from his parents.

So yeah wills and estate division are touchy subjects to me. lol

[newfiemountiewife]

I agree with the others. Family are completely crazy sometimes. I am glad you're getting a washer and dryer though, your life will be so much easier.

[maryinaz]

Awww...this makes me sad. I'm glad you are getting the w/d - those aren't that easy to sell second hand, so it's great you are getting them when you really need them. I say just play the game they want you to play with the gratitude and roll your eyes along the way.

[Nettio]

Honestly, I think maybe you're being a bit childish about it. If he were charging you for it, it'd be one thing, but he's not. Maybe he's not being as generous as you would like, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to come and pick them up even if that requires you renting a truck.

As far as the gushing email, personally I would just suck it up and send off an email that's like "thank you thank you thank you, this will help us out SO much" and be done with it. Is it a bit annoying to have them ask you to do that? Yes. Would it annoy me? Probably, haha. But at the end of the day, you're the one that needs the washer and dryer and if a little sucking up will stroke his ego and make it happen, then just do it. As someone who's watched an estate fight get ugly, it's SO not worth the damage it can do to the family relationships.

Oh and I'll say, that while the washer & dryer might not add a ton of value price-wise to the home, I can tell you that a huge reason we were able to sell our townhouse in CO with SO many options available on the market was partly due to us including the appliances with the sale. And no, our washer & dryer weren't fancy either. So I do think he's giving up a little value in giving those appliances to you for free.

[jaylensmom]

I agree with Trish the division of an estate can be touchy...I say thank your dad for washer and dryer and gush if it makes him feel better...sometimes we have to do things we don't think is necessary...just think of the money you are saving by not having to purchase a new w&d...

[kim21673]

I just have to say that I am soooo glad my family is so relaxed with this type of stuff. But I do know that my family ways might not be the norm!!! LOL

I guess do what you can to thank him for the washer/dryer....

[mummytothree]

I haven't read any of the responses but I know from just dealing with the death of my 2 brothers and their "estates" things can be tricky/difficult!!

When my second brother was killed (my dad was also the executor...but there was no will) there was a sale and if we wanted something we had to buy it. Not even his children could go through and pick stuff out....everything had to be bought....no matter what.

So I'm not sure if the situations are the same...but I do know that there are rule and laws that have to be followed. It might not excuse his "uppity-ness" but who knows what he is dealing with right now (my brother's estate still isn't settled and it's been almost 2 years and I KNOW that it has cause my dad so much heart ache and so many headaches!!!)

[jacinda]

Originally Posted by Nettio

Honestly, I think maybe you're being a bit childish about it. If he were charging you for it, it'd be one thing, but he's not. Maybe he's not being as generous as you would like, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to come and pick them up even if that requires you renting a truck.

As far as the gushing email, personally I would just suck it up and send off an email that's like "thank you thank you thank you, this will help us out SO much" and be done with it. Is it a bit annoying to have them ask you to do that? Yes. Would it annoy me? Probably, haha. But at the end of the day, you're the one that needs the washer and dryer and if a little sucking up will stroke his ego and make it happen, then just do it. As someone who's watched an estate fight get ugly, it's SO not worth the damage it can do to the family relationships.

Oh and I'll say, that while the washer & dryer might not add a ton of value price-wise to the home, I can tell you that a huge reason we were able to sell our townhouse in CO with SO many options available on the market was partly due to us including the appliances with the sale. And no, our washer & dryer weren't fancy either. So I do think he's giving up a little value in giving those appliances to you for free.

My thoughts exactly.

[scrapperjade]

Originally Posted by Nettio

Honestly, I think maybe you're being a bit childish about it. If he were charging you for it, it'd be one thing, but he's not. Maybe he's not being as generous as you would like, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to come and pick them up even if that requires you renting a truck.

As far as the gushing email, personally I would just suck it up and send off an email that's like "thank you thank you thank you, this will help us out SO much" and be done with it. Is it a bit annoying to have them ask you to do that? Yes. Would it annoy me? Probably, haha. But at the end of the day, you're the one that needs the washer and dryer and if a little sucking up will stroke his ego and make it happen, then just do it. As someone who's watched an estate fight get ugly, it's SO not worth the damage it can do to the family relationships.

Oh and I'll say, that while the washer & dryer might not add a ton of value price-wise to the home, I can tell you that a huge reason we were able to sell our townhouse in CO with SO many options available on the market was partly due to us including the appliances with the sale. And no, our washer & dryer weren't fancy either. So I do think he's giving up a little value in giving those appliances to you for free.

Word.

[Angie4b1g]

Getting something from an estate is almost never worth the drama it causes.

You'd have been better off buying a set from Craigslist for $200.

[Andrea G]

Originally Posted by Angie4b1g

Getting something from an estate is almost never worth the drama it causes.

You'd have been better off buying a set from Craigslist for $200.

Ditto - its easier and less complicated to get stuff from strangers vs family. Sorry it's become an uncomfortable situation - good luck!

[LeeAndra]

Thanks for your replies, ladies.

Even without my mother's email, I would (and will be) emailing my dad my thanks and telling him my thanks in person this weekend. It makes me sad that my father doesn't know the difference between the real me vs. the me I will have to pretend to be over the weekend, but I will put on a big show for the sake of my mother who has to deal with the fallout from him and my sister when I'm 'bad' and don't do what they want me to do in the way they want me to do it. This is one incident in a long long line, so I wanted some unbiased perspective on this particular incident and, thus, posted.

I guess the greater issue is that it is frustrating and hurtful to me that I am expected to put forth the effort to fully understand them in every way and meet all of their emotional needs and wants, and my father and sister neither understand me, care to, or bother to try.

[joelsgirl]

Aw, LA, I'm sorry. I think the issue is that you could use some help and your dad is totally oblivious and a good bit selfish. I think I've been in Asia for too long because the American way of family "Once you're out, you're OUT. Everyone works hard for what they have and no sharing" kind of attitude really sucks to me. Family is for life here, and when one family member has a need, the whole family pitches in to help out. My helper is constantly helping her family, and she does it with such a happy heart. Like she's so thankful that she has a good job where she can afford to help people. I wanna be like that.

Anyway, sorry your fam isn't being more considerate of you. : (

[Stacey42]

I have a family member like your dad. It's not enough to say "thank you so much, I really appreciate this so much" & mean it. You have to say it the way they want to hear it (gushing praise for the generosity of the giver & your unspoken unworthiness of it & at a later date you should buy them dinner as further thanks) or you don't really appreciate their gesture, everything they do for you and are an ungrateful so & so. This includes birthday & Xmas presents.

Unless I specifically ask them for something, I no longer bother meeting those conditions. I figure they aren't actually giving out of generosity but out of a need for an ego stroking & I am not required to say any more than a genuine "thanks, I love it"

However, if I ask, then I do meet their conditions. It's the price of asking, annoying as it can be. If it will keep the peace I do it. I know how frustrating it can be dealing with people who expect you to bow to their whims & make no attempt to understand where you are coming from. But I tend to just suck it up, deal with it in the moment, let it go & minimize the chances of my finding myself in the same situation. They are who they are & that is never going to change at this point.

[jessica31876]

I agree with Angie. Dealing with estates and family after someone dies is the worst. So many stories I could tell from friends and family alike that has literally ripped families apart. When someone I love passes away unless they have specifially said they want to give me something in their will or given it to me before they passed away I stay far away from anything dealing with the estate afterwards. I do think it is nice that your dad give it to you because it is not just his to give I assume since the proceeds will be divided between him and his siblings. Also if you were to just buy the appliances elsewhere you would most likely have to pay to go pick them up or pay for delivery charges.

[Milmomma]

Originally Posted by Angie4b1g

Getting something from an estate is almost never worth the drama it causes.

You'd have been better off buying a set from Craigslist for $200.

Sadly I'd agree with this. After having to take care of my fathers estate. Family is just so much drama!