the little things parents do...

[emmasmommy]

so, i have a pretty ummmm, spirited 4 yr old. she has some very strong opinions and doesn't like to be told what to do, so we usually give her a bunch of options (which i don't mind) and let her pick one. she still feels like she's being independent and well, i get my way as well LOL


one thing that i do a LOT, is i'll brush my teeth when she's brushing hers. there's no way in heaven and earth she'd let me brush her teeth for her, but if i'm brushing mine at the same time, she'll brush just like me....thus, brushing her teeth well.

that's just one example lol (i sometimes think i'm too accommodating) what are some things you do that fall into that category? yanno, so things get done right, but you avoid a fight?

[DogwoodMama]

Classic one that I hate doing for my oldest... taking crusts off bread. She has sensory issues and needs thing to be the "same" texture throughout a food item- so she doesn't like crusty food on outside (goes for meat too!) She can't even chew up carrots and swallow them. Anyway, I do it b/c it gets more food into her and less waste, since she isn't the best at getting up to the edge of the crust. (And my youngest daughter is totally fine with crusts and doesn't care at all, so at least I haven't spoiled both of them!) But I must admit I have moments of totally resenting that I have to take the crusts off her bread!

For my youngest, I often give her a break on our family rule that you carry your own plates to the kitchen. If it's something that she won't spill all over the place, I encourage her, but if it's a cereal bowl with milk in it, I just go ahead and do it. She's really bad at not spilling! Also, I still buckle her in in the car... she's in a booster seat still and just can't seem to click it in, she's not a very strong kid I guess!

[kscwgirl]

I do choices all the time for J.. i still get my way either way but he feels like he has a say in things and it makes my life SO much easier.

[nun69]

sometimes I have to bribe my kids, "if you brush your teeth I will read you 2 books tonight"....sometimes it takes less time to read the 2nd book than it does to fight them to brush their teeth!

[rach3975]

When there isn't really a choice, I use the timer to make one. Like if they refuse to do something I need them to do, I ask if they'd rather do it then or in 5 minutes and set the timer.

[farrijc]

Laura, your 4 year old sounds just like my 3 year old. As I say, she's 3 going on 13. She's so much more difficult than her brothers ever were! I figured out early on that you have to make compromises with her, if she doesn't feel like she has a say, forget it! However, my husband just doesn't get that. He let her get so worked up one time that she threw up all over her car seat, and let's just say... I was not pleased. I don't think he would take any blame in that, but I know better than to let her get worked up like. I fight MANY battles with her, but you can't fight them all. I am definitely more accomodating with her than with her brothers, but it's necessary for my sanity

ETA - one thing I do is to always let her be "in the front" (in the car first, out the door first, walk in front of her brothers in the parking lot, etc) for whatever reason, it's important to her, and I don't think it's even worth the argument. I've explained that to her brothers and most of the time they agree life is simply easier that way!

[emmasmommy]

yes jill....to a tee LOL

one thing i do for my oldest is make sure she has a 'list' of what we're going to do for the day (be it an actual written list or an oral one) because she does not like surprises, and she always wants to know what the plans are for the day. times and everything. if we stray from that she gets very upset.

this drives my husband nuts....but like jill said, you gotta pick your battles!

[misfitinmn]

Yeah, I really just think everything (literally!! everything!) would be a fight with my not-quite-4 year old if I didn't choose my battles. Shoes on the wrong feet? I'll tell him but won't fight him (because I'll say "your shoes are on the wrong feet" and he'll respond "NO THEY AREN'T!!!" .... ooookay, not worth the fight!). Pants on backwards? Same thing!

If I am trying to get him to eat more of his food, I'll tell him I bet he can't take a really huge bite, he's too little and of course he has to prove to me that I'm wrong...ahhh, those fun little tricks!

[rach3975]

Originally Posted by farrijc

I fight MANY battles with her, but you can't fight them all. I am definitely more accomodating with her than with her brothers, but it's necessary for my sanity

So true! My 8 year old has always been like that. He's easier to reason with now that he's older, but once he really gets something in his head, forget changing his mind. My 3 year old is going through that my-way-or-a-tantrum stage now, but even in this stage she's usually more accommodating than either of my boys.

[jessica31876]

when my middle son was young it was very important to him to get on the bus first. It was fine when it was just my kids getting on the bus but then my sister moved across the street and her two kids got on the bus and when they figured out he had to be on the bus first they made such a big deal out of it that he was not able to do it anymore. He adjusted to it but it was easier on days he got on first then on those he didn't. Then it just did not seem to matter anymore after a little while.

[Sherri Tierney]

I wouldn't say you are too accommodating. Honestly, there was nothing mentioned in this post that I haven't done for my kids. I think its all part of being a parent. Cutting off crusts... even bought a special little sandwich thing that cuts them off and 'hides' the contents inside (like an uncrustable). Giving several choices... always, still do it with my 9 year old. Kids need to learn to make DECISIONS and the only way they will learn is if they are allowed to do so. Giving them a list of choices makes sure that they are choosing among reasonable and safe options!

Laura, you mentioned giving your oldest a list of what to expect for the day. I totally have to do this with my 6 year old. He's just that type of kid. If we deviate from what we said we would do, even if it is a good deviation (like a special treat for him or something) he doesn't handle it well. If we say we're going to go to the park and it rains he gets super frustrated. If we plan to eat at a certain restaurant and then realize they are closed (because restaurants around her have crazy days they are closed) he gets upset.

Anyway, as a parent it is our job to do what it takes to make our kids successful and if sometimes that means being a little more accommodating than what our parents were or what we think we should be, that's fine. Whatever it takes, right? Now, there have to be limits. My aunt once did daycare for a little girl whose parents had a 'no saying no' policy. They once let their tiny daughter (was about 15 months at the time) go to sleep with a dozen eggs because she didn't want to let them go and they didn't want to tell her no. They waited until she was asleep and then took the carton from her crib... but really... letting your kid sleep with a freakin' carton of raw eggs? They wouldn't even take scissors away from her if she got them, they just hovered over her until she put them down.

[jk703]

I give my kids choices, but my youngest would make me batty if I had to fight everything with him. If he didn't have choices, he would make everyone nuts!

For me... it is him completing things by himself. For example, if we have to get ready in the morning, I ask if he wants to put his shoes on or if he wants to close the straps.... most mornings, he puts the shoes on, and I close the velcro straps. Same goes for clothes. He puts his shirt on, and I help with his pants. Slowly, we are getting him to do it all, but it will be a process. I need to be sane, and to actually get out of the house in the morning!

For food... like veggies... I have worked on offering dessert as the choice. At dinner, if he wants dessert, he has to choose to eat a veggie. If he says no, he doesn't get dessert... but if he eats it, he gets dessert - but he decides. He is pretty good with handling the no dessert, and knowing that he chose to have it or not have it. My oldest will always eat the veggies for a dessert. Sometimes, I will get him to eat if off my plate instead of his own... but that is more occasional.

Everything is always give/take, and choice over here!

[jessica31876]

I really think my youngest son had sensory issues when he was little. I just thought he was kinda picky at the time. But basically he would only wear pants/shorts with elastic waists and hated jeans. The feel of denim fabric was scratchy according to my son. It was a battle to get him to wear underwear everyday. Seriously like arguing, trying to explain why he needs them. Then I figured out it was just briefs he did not like and bought boxer briefs and it was no longer a battle (it was the tightness on the part that went around his legs he could not deal with). He had to have tagless shirts or I had to cut the tags out. He would freak out if there was a tag against his neck but that I kinda get too because my neck is really sensitive and a tag often makes me break out. Umm he would not wear his socks the "right" way. He had to have them turned inside out because of the seam being against his toes and I had to get the seam perfect across his toes or he would take his shoes off to rearrange it. If he had on longer socks he had to put them on before he put on his pants because he said if he puts them on after when you pull the pants back down after putting them on they get wrinkled up. I just had no idea there was such a thing back then but there were so many things I HAD to doto get him ready when we had to go somewhere and when he went to school. Eventually he grew out of it but man I never thought it would end and wondered at times where I would find pants with elastic waists when he got out of boys sizes and into mens

[rach3975]

Originally Posted by jessica31876

I really think my son had sensory issues when he was little. I just thought he was kinda picky at the time.

Ben has sensory processing disorder, and in hindsight my oldest probably has some degree of it, too. Ben undereacts to sensory stimuli, but Jason did a lot of the same things as your DS, and at the time I also thought he was just picky. It wasn't until 1 of Ben's therapists encouraged me to look into it for Ben that I realized Jason was probably affected, too. By then Jason was 5 or so and had learned to deal well enough with the sensory differences he hadn't outgrown that we didn't feel the need to pursue a diagnosis or therapy for him, but there are still things I have to be conscious of or change for him.

[jessica31876]

Rachel I really thought I was like the worst mom in the world because of the underwear thing. There were many days I would end up in tears because I could not convince my son he HAD to wear them. The people I did talk to basically told me I was to accomodating with him and he was just picky. I had absolutely no idea at the time it could have been anything else and never even thought to ask his pediatrician about it. Even when he got into school and he had speech therapy and occupational therapy I did not think to mention any of it to the occupational therapist and because I was the one who got him dressed for school I was the main one who dealt with it.

[chloe]

I don't have kids yet, but I remember as a kid (even a big one) we always had a choice: either raw veggies (like a salad, a tomato, a carrot) or cooked one. Same thing with clothing, my mom used to play us trick. For example if I wanted to put a dress on but the weather was too cold, she'd offer me to pick between the green or the pink pants, and I'd totally forget about the dress.

[emmasmommy]

yah, for a long time we wondered if emma had aspergers or some sort of sensory issues. there are SO many things that set her off and so many things that i just do, because i know that that's what she needs. we always have just managed it so i've never persued it. we've gotten through so much in almost 7 years and she's gotten sooo much better but if she's overtired or we deviate from her schedule, we still have issues.

it just makes me giggle about the little things we just 'do' because it gets us through the day. lol

[LeeAndra]

When we were at my parents' two weeks ago, I gave her a roll of Smarties on 2 or 3 different occasions when we were out and abt and she was throwing a fit. I knew that she was thrown off by being in a different place with different food and a different bed that isn't as comfortable as her real bed and she's too little to reason with, so I handed her the candies with no guilt and saved myself (and my mom) more drama.

[julifish]

So umm...I have to come clean. I still fully dress my 9 yo each morning and it's purely out of my need to get her out the door by 7:30 am. I pick out her clothes, physically get her dressed while she lays in bed and then argue with her to get up and brush her hair, etc.

My 13 yo flips out over this because she thinks her litle sister is never going to learn how to dress herself. I think it might be a blessing in disguise because a sister that doesn't care what she wears is one that won't be stealing her bigger sister's clothes.

I also brush the 9 yo's teeth for her once a week with my whitening toothpaste to be sure they are getting really, really clean. My older one is more independent and could actually totally run this house if needed at any moment - down to grocery shopping within the budget, making dinner and making sure everyone was where they needed to be (on time no less).

I love that a lot of you give your kids multiple choices and let them decide things on their own. That works great for my older daughter, but my younger one doesn't care so she'd never actually pick anything she'd just go with whatever I told her to do. Sigh...she's so much like her dad.

[k23m]

Originally Posted by emmasmommy

one thing i do for my oldest is make sure she has a 'list' of what we're going to do for the day (be it an actual written list or an oral one) because she does not like surprises, and she always wants to know what the plans are for the day. times and everything. if we stray from that she gets very upset.!

LOL. This is not my kid...it's ME! I always have to have a plan...I dont like not knowing what is going on. Its a control thing, for me.

[emmasmommy]

LOL see, I'm very much a control freak and I totally know where she gets it from.

[KristinCB]

i'm so the opposite and so sometimes it a big challenge on my end to stay focused/consistent because that is mega important for lucas.. ahh. its hard to teach an old dog new tricks though! LOL

Jill we sooo have to do that too with the walking! I don't know what it is that sets lucas off but the door thing and walking down first is on his agenda and we usually follow it because its often easier than the crazy tantrums that can follow if we don't

[Sherri Tierney]

Originally Posted by julifish

So umm...I have to come clean. I still fully dress my 9 yo each morning and it's purely out of my need to get her out the door by 7:30 am. I pick out her clothes, physically get her dressed while she lays in bed and then argue with her to get up and brush her hair, etc.

My 13 yo flips out over this because she thinks her litle sister is never going to learn how to dress herself. I think it might be a blessing in disguise because a sister that doesn't care what she wears is one that won't be stealing her bigger sister's clothes.

I also brush the 9 yo's teeth for her once a week with my whitening toothpaste to be sure they are getting really, really clean. My older one is more independent and could actually totally run this house if needed at any moment - down to grocery shopping within the budget, making dinner and making sure everyone was where they needed to be (on time no less).

I love that a lot of you give your kids multiple choices and let them decide things on their own. That works great for my older daughter, but my younger one doesn't care so she'd never actually pick anything she'd just go with whatever I told her to do. Sigh...she's so much like her dad.

There are mornings I dress my 6 year old. Some would find that just over the top but dangit, I LIKE my sleep and I don't want to have to wake up 30 minutes early just to fight the kid to get dressed. HE lays out his clothes at night so all I do is put them on him in the morning. I'll get his shirt on and then pull his pajama pants off and hand him his jeans. He takes over from there because he's awake enough by then. My 9 year old I haven't dressed since she was 4 but she's much better about waking up in the morning than he is. Neither of my kids are morning people though and I'm not either so mornings are rough at our house.

[Kjersti]

Originally Posted by nun69

sometimes I have to bribe my kids, "if you brush your teeth I will read you 2 books tonight"....sometimes it takes less time to read the 2nd book than it does to fight them to brush their teeth!

Genius!!!! I'm trying this tonight!

I will blowdry my daugheter's clothes and get them nice and warm so she'll put them on in the morning. She has to "hurry" and get dressed while they're still hot!!!! It sure makes her get dressed quickly! Not sure what I'll do when it warms up.

[sczos911]

I give choices and when they say neither - I say you need to have a fruit or a veggie. then they usually chose what I originally offered.

I'll bribe at times, but I will not beg or plead. That drives me crazy. You do as I say or you face consequences. That makes me sound like a hard butt, but I'm not, I just don't tolerate me begging and pleading for them to do things.

[julifish]

Originally Posted by Kjersti

I will blowdry my daugheter's clothes and get them nice and warm so she'll put them on in the morning. She has to "hurry" and get dressed while they're still hot!!!! It sure makes her get dressed quickly! Not sure what I'll do when it warms up.

Oh - I am going to try this tomorrow and see if it gets the 9 yo out of bed. A little bit of noise might help the cause. Brilliant idea!

[Sherri Tierney]

Originally Posted by sczos911

I give choices and when they say neither - I say you need to have a fruit or a veggie. then they usually chose what I originally offered.

I'll bribe at times, but I will not beg or plead. That drives me crazy. You do as I say or you face consequences. That makes me sound like a hard butt, but I'm not, I just don't tolerate me begging and pleading for them to do things.

I won't beg or plead with mine either. I give them choices and if they don't choose one or the other then I make the choice for them. I tell them ahead of time, you can pick up toys or dirty clothes (for example) and I if you don't do one or the other I will make a choice for you and I will choose for you to go to your room for 15 minutes. They know I'm not messing around and that they have to do one or the other or face the consequences.

[emmasmommy]

yah, I'm not a pushover by any means, and the girls know that, it's just sometimes it's easier to do things a certain way instead of listening to a fit or having them do a job halfway.

[lovely1m]

Its just my son and I so we are really easy going. I am not a big planner and prefer to just go with the flow since its just the 2 of us, its so easy on us to both do this. I eat weird, I don't expect him to eat that way, but he must eat balanced meals, but since I am cooking him one meal and me another, I let him choose what he has for supper most nights. Its easier on me and I know he will eat it cause he picked it. I also am not above bribing. Since its just the 2 of us and we have no family in the area, he often has to go places with me that I wouldn't take him if someone else could watch him, like to the running track with me, so I bribe him to behave a lot. We all do what we need to do with our kids, I don't think it can be wrong if it makes things easier on everyone.

[LJSDesigns]

My son never moved in the womb and as a result he has a sensory depth perception disorder for which we did both OT and PT. He also has a fine tremor and fused bones at his right elbow. I did him a huge disservice by doing anything that was "hard" like zipping or tying, for him because I just couldn't stand to see him struggle. As a result, it took a long time for him to be able to do those things for himself. Now that he is 20, the physical issues are less prominent, but I still find myself wanting to do things for him. Some of it is because I still don't like to see him struggle and some is because I am impatient and just want to get things done. Being a mom is the toughest job ever someday, but it's also the best job.