I Need help!!!!

[nun69]

I can NOT get any of my kids to listen to me.... threatening them, taking away their privelegs, etc...NOTHING!!!!! 2 of them got their mouths washed out with soap tonight for potty mouth, but beside physically PUTTING my 12 y/o in the shower I can't get him to do that much less anythign else....btw he has ALWAYS been this way.....when I tell Matt to back me up he says "well if they aren't gonna listen to you what makes you think they are gonna listen to me" and procedes to do nothing (most of the time).....I'm old, I am tired and I am sooo very frustrated!!!!!

they ALL consistently tell me NO and I am sooooo sooo tired...plus NOBODY and I mean NOBODY in my house can do ANYTHING without me telling them/.....take a shower, brush their teeth, wash the dishes, vaccum, ANYTHING that would help keep our house halfway clean

[jacinda]

Oh Angie, that's gotta be SO frustrating. Have you checked out the Super Nanny site? Lots of good advice there. I like the advice Nigel Latta gives in his Politically Incorrect Parenting book. Part of it is about finding your kids 'currency'. What do they not want to lose or do without? For teenagers it might be privacy (so he says take their bedroom door off it's hinges), or their attachment to their mobile phone (confiscate it). If they don't pick up clothes, go into their room while they're away and toss everything into a garbage bag. And he means everything. They work to earn it back, or you donate it. It's about tough love. Nigel is a New Zealand clinical psychologist, and funny too. Has a great way to bring across his message.

I don't have any personal experience with the things you're going through right now - my kids are young and biddable (for the moment at least). Big hugs and lots of good thoughts coming your way - I hope you find a method that works.

[glumirk]

Taking away everything works pretty well. I have been having major power struggles with my 3 yo who expects me to listen and obey. It got really ridiculous, so I took away all of the toys. Now we start every day with 6 pennies, which I take away when he is blatantly disobedient or hurts his sister. If he has 5 pennies at the end of the day he can get one toy from the basement.

This morning he told me "Guess what,Mama? I don't make a mess with my toys anymore! When I am done playing with them I just put them away!"

He has actually only earned one toy back, but DH had appendicitis this weekend so I let the babysitters pull out some toys. His attitude is much improved because I can remind him that he wants to earn his pennies. Our goal is $1 then we will take him to the dollar store and start a real allowance.

I know we are a lot younger, but maybe you can take something from this. Taking away all of the toys just caused whining and sneaking until I put the ball in his court and based on his behavior to earn them back.

[KateD]

I totally understand your frustration! My two boys won't generally do anything without being told, either. My 13-year old will generally do his homework and practice his violin on his own, but nothing related to hygiene or cleaning. My 11-year old generally needs to be prodded to do his homework, too. When they're told to do something, they generally do it, though. It's taken years of reinforcement from my husband and me to get to this point. My husband will not stand for hearing the boys back-talking either of us, and there are swift and uncomfortable consequences when they do.

I've found - in my own experience, as well as talking to the moms of my boys friends - that boys (that's all we have experience with) tend to listen to Dad more than Mom. We noticed that all the way back when I was coaching my oldest son's soccer team when he was in Kindergarten. I couldn't coach either of my kids' teams because they wouldn't listen to me, but my husband had much less trouble when he coached.

The frustration we're having now is with our younger son, the 11-year old. He's grounded from electronics, but keeps getting up in the middle of the night to get on the XBox. We've solved the problem by removing the power cord from the TV. That doesn't address the root of his behavior, though. It just means that he'll get the sleep he needs. He doesn't have a bedroom door anymore, and that helps us to monitor his whereabouts, but he still manages to get away with things that he shouldn't.

I hope that you can get your husband to support you more, and that you figure out what will work with your kids.

[scrap2day]

I'm sorry your having to deal with this. Maybe this would help if you set it up as a game? Chore Wars

[xboxmom]

Start telling them No when they ask for things. Say you know I would have loved to do that for you but since you refuse to help me I am not going to help you. Fair is fair! Oh and go on STRIKE! Don't do anything in the house for a week and see if anyone changes their tune. Not even Meals make them figure it out on their own. They will come around.

[jacinda]

Originally Posted by xboxmom

Start telling them No when they ask for things. Say you know I would have loved to do that for you but since you refuse to help me I am not going to help you. Fair is fair! Oh and go on STRIKE! Don't do anything in the house for a week and see if anyone changes their tune. Not even Meals make them figure it out on their own. They will come around.

I absolutely agree with this!

[rach3975]

I haven't posted because I don't have any ideas that haven't been suggested already, but I love the going on strike idea! I think that makes the point about how much you do and why they should help (and appreciate you!) much more directly. And once they "get it" a little more, you can also implement stricter consequences for not helping. That's what I'd do, at least. Now imagine all the scrap time you'll have while you're on strike...

[nun69]

well I guess my oldest figured it out last night cause I woke up to a clean kitchen and she had even swept and steam mopped the floor...she is s a night owl so that works out good.....she even took the trash out !!!! but I actually was on strike (other than washing laundry, I didn't even fold it) until today...that is how bad my headache was.....but I think them seeing me much more angrier this week than normal might have freaked them out...also my DD emptied the dishwasher after school Z(her new job) and so I went ahead and filled it and my old son (who's new job is to fill the dirty dishes in the washer) said "thanks mom for doing that for me"...WOW......so maybe, just maybe they might come around....we shall see....I will show you guys this weekend the bulleting board I am working on for chiores

[scrap2day]

I'm so glad they stepped up.