WWYD (teen boundaries issue)

[Valgal]

So Jake, 17 yo, came to John and I a bit ago with this request: his friend, also 17, is going to housesit for his grandparents for 3 days. He invited Jake and two of their other friends (who are 18) to basically play house for the 3 days. They want to cook meals and sleep there and more or less pretend they are living in an apartment together.

We've been letting his leash out, so to speak, more over and more over the last year. I give him a lot of freedom but this is more than I think is appropriate and so the answer (from both John and I) was 'no.' He can go over there and eat and hang out , but he has to come home in the evening and sleep at home and get up and get ready for school at home.

Hoooooooly crap... he threw the biggest fit. That kid came up with every reason you can think of why this doesn't make sense, we just want to control him, blah blah blah. He's my big arguing kid and knows how to push my buttons, but I stay relatively calm until he walked away calling us 'bad parents.'

I know, I know, I know, he's a teenager. But we have done so much for that kid (he's adopted) that I take that pretty personally. So that's why I started yelling and told him we are NOT bad parents, we are damn good parents!



Anyone else have big head-butting situations like this?

[mariewilcox]

I feel for you! With my son we rarely ever head-butted over things but he grew up fast and was very responsible and dependable and was pretty much "man of the house" after DH died.

My DD (15) is a bit of an arguer but usually calms down and sees where I'm coming from. She house sits/dog sits with 2 of her friends on a fairly regular basis for a wife/husband FBI agent team here in town, so I have no advice there. Every kid is different and these 3 girls are very mature and responsible so I have no issue with it. They have fun together just watching movies and eating and playing/walking the dogs and they love the weekends they do it.

[Valgal]

Yeah, he proudly tells me how he and the guys will go to McDonalds or Taco Bell at 3am. Ok, I get it. That's fun. But 3 days of this kind of thing? And with no responsible adults around? I don't think so.

He also doesn't understand why we don't consider the 18 year olds 'adults'. Well... ok, they're legally adults, BUT they are not in a position of authority and are not parents, so they don't count, lol!

Does your dd walk away and then come back seeing things from your point of view? Like, does she need a little time to chill out?

[mariewilcox]

Originally Posted by Valgal

Does your dd walk away and then come back seeing things from your point of view? Like, does she need a little time to chill out?

Yes, definitely! She is very quick to explode and then walks away. I let her go because her brother was the same way the rare occasion we disagreed, so I learned from him to just let her go off in her room (cue slamming door, loud music) and let her be. She always comes back out a while later totally calm and able to discuss things rationally. ETA: She might not always come back seeing things my way 100% but she is more able to hear me and I'm able to hear her (which I think is important too - I may be a parent but I'm not necessarily 100% right 100% of the time). We usually can find a compromise that pleases us both.

[lovely1m]

I am not in your situation at all, as my son is only 9, but I used to stay home alone every weekend starting from the time I was 16. My mom set very clear rules and let me know what they were and that if I did not follow them, I would no longer be allowed to stay home. All that being said, since he threw a giant fit when you said no, I wouldn't allow it either. Perhaps find another way he can assert his so to be adulthood.

[Neverland Scraps]

Wow! First, I'm glad you said "no" because while you trust your son, you don't know what the others will do during their time of house-sitting. Besides, do the owners want two extra people staying in their home, using their things (heat, electric, water, etc) while they are away? My answer, if I were in this boat, would be the same as yours!

Secondly, you are NOT bad parents. I butt heads daily with my 14 year old and I think this is the best that teenagers can come up with, that we are really terrible. I keep telling myself, they'll come around and one day realize their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. If not, I pray they learn a lesson through it, even though I am somewhat controlling the situation because God gave them to me, to oversea them, guide and direct them until they are on their own two feet.

[Becca Bonneville]

I still butt heads with my 18 year old. He is in college now but still lives at home. I give him his freedoms of being 18 but he also has to respect the house rules while he lives with us. This means yes he still has a curfew (which is 1130 school nights, 1200 weekends) unless he is staying at a friends and yes he has to contribute to the household (cooking, cleaning).

When my son was in high school still a lot of the parents would allow their kids to run around all hours of the night. That wasn't allowed here. Especially on school nights. Yes, my son would get upset and try to argue. He would point out that everyone else gets to do xyz. I always just stand firm and remind him one day he will understand and appreciate it and I am not so and so's mom. We also didn't allow him to go anywhere unless his chores were done. And not you get free money chores but this is your responsibility as a member of this household chores.

Right now Jake is just upset he can't do what his friends are doing. He will see one day how much you do for him and will appreciate that any restrictions you placed was out of love and not to control him.

Not that every aspect of our kid's life has to be controlled or that we can't allow them to grow up. But these days it seems so many parents just allow their kids to run around without any parental guidance at such an early age. They may be teenagers but they still need parents. They still need guidance and aren't done growing fully yet.

[Kiana]

Originally Posted by Neverland Scraps

Wow! First, I'm glad you said "no" because while you trust your son, you don't know what the others will do during their time of house-sitting. Besides, do the owners want two extra people staying in their home, using their things (heat, electric, water, etc) while they are away? My answer, if I were in this boat, would be the same as yours!

I definitely agree. This is someone else's home. The grandson that is staying there had no right to invite his friends over. Stand your grown momma. You know what's best!!

[Sherri Tierney]

I don't have older teens. My oldest is just 13. We definitely butted heads last night though. She seems to think she doesn't have to study because she doesn't 'like' to do so. LOL

[DawnMarch]

You are good parents. You listened to the proposal, considered his age and the situation and made a decision. You CARE and are actively involved and that's what matters. I wouldn't let my kid do this either.

[jessica31876]

When my son was 17 he stayed the weekend at his grandparents house so a bit different than your situation. But he was super responsible and wouldn't have had friends over while he was watching the house. Plus we live just three or so miles away. So we could be there in like five minutes possibly less. But if my youngest had proposed the same thing at the same age I would have said no. As for if Ive dealt with those kinds of fights. Yes. My daughter was famous for them at 17 & 18. She wanted so badly to be completely independent of our "rules" but learned when she moved out on her own she had it really easy here. No bills to pay. I cleaned up after her because she was so busy with school, work, homework and extracurricular activities. I cooked. Now she has to do all of those things and about three months after moving out she told me that it was harder than she thought it would be. I know its not much of a consolation but it will pass and he will figure out that life is hard when you are on your own. Not rushing it is smart.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by Neverland Scraps

Wow! First, I'm glad you said "no" because while you trust your son, you don't know what the others will do during their time of house-sitting.

That's exactly what I said to him! He did the whole, "You don't trust me!" thing. I told him that I trust he has GOOD INTENTIONS, but I can't trust that he is ready to make the right choices, especially around the other boys, whose hearts I don't know.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by Becca Bonneville

Right now Jake is just upset he can't do what his friends are doing. He will see one day how much you do for him and will appreciate that any restrictions you placed was out of love and not to control him.

You are definitely right. This is one of the problems of having friends that are just a tad older. They are 18 and have already graduated from high school. He is still a minor. He doesn't quite have the privileges they do but he feels they're on the same level.

[nietis]

My son is only 3.5, but I'd say the same thing as you and your hubby said, 'no'. I will hold my ground, no matter what he says... We know our children, but we don't know other children.
Good on you, mama! You are NOT a bad parent, because you care for him above and beyond!

[jacinda]

You gave him a reasonable alternative. The fact he had a tantrum about it shows he's not as ready/mature as he thinks. You did well mama. Stick to your decision. It's in his best interest, and he'll get that one day.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by jacinda

The fact he had a tantrum about it shows he's not as ready/mature as he thinks.

I mentioned this to him. LOL!

[Keely~B]

I'm a firm believer that kids really like boundaries even if they can't or won't admit it. I'm not one to make a lot of rules just for the sake of having them but I think what you offered was more than fair. I wouldn't have allowed that either. I think his outburst is the perfect example of him not being mature enough.

I have a high school senior and she's younger than all of her friends so I understand that it's a complicated place to be.

[Valgal]

I'm thinking about making a compromise with him and letting him do one night. This, of course, will depend on how he behaves when we discuss THIS MORNING'S behavior later. He is already texting me butt-head stuff from school. <beating head on desk>

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by tx-nana-scraps

First I'd make sure the home owners are aware that other boys are going to be there too.
Also, I'd make sure all the boys knew not to invite others over for a party. With social media so many kids "advertise parties" at such and such address and then it gets out of control. You see it on the news.

No matter how much trust you have in your son, the main question would be...do you trust the other boys? Do you know them and their families?
Good luck.

I'm not sure that I do trust the other boys. Not there is anything shifty about any one of them in particular. They're all good boys. But it seems like the larger the group the more goof ball ideas they seem to come up with.